"I think I might be in love. Like the lasting kind of love."

RANDALL: What's this romanticism I see VIA fb post?
LIZ: I think I might be in love. Like the lasting kind of love.
RANDALL: Who's the dude?
LIZ: His name is Ryan Roberts.
RANDALL: I don't believe in love anymore. I date chicks and that's it.
LIZ: How could you not believe in love? It's all around you every day.
RANDALL: It is all around me, I just don't feel it myself these days.
LIZ: Why don't you feel it?
RANDALL: Not sure. Like I've gone out with this girl I met, totally gorgeous, totally fun, but I just don't feel anything. And it's like that with others too.
LIZ: You just haven't met that girl yet, that's all. You don't have to fall in love with every girl you date, but chances are you'll meet that girl at some point and you'll grow to love her.
RANDALL: I'll stick to fucking.

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                5 minutes pass

RANDALL: I guess that was kind of a rude thing to say.
LIZ: It wasn't rude. It sounded misogynistic.

Before I go any further, I'd like to state for the record that Mr. Randall Hall is NOT a misogynist. I can say that with confidence because he's my ex-boyfriend turned amazing friend. Though I haven't seen him since we broke up in 2002, we still maintain a friendship based on mutual respect and a common infatuation with art. Neither of us can remember exactly why it was we broke up nearly ten years ago. The part that I do remember was crying myself to sleep for months after he moved to Florida, immediately after we were over. He moved on quicker than I ever imagined and while he was happy without me, finding out what life was all about, I stayed in Oklahoma, locked in my dorm room, listening to emo punk rock. For months I wished on a daily basis that he would change his mind and move back to Oklahoma. Obviously he didn't, and back then, I was sure I would never love again, EVER.

Boy, was I was wrong.

AJ came along next, with his body piercings, hardcore metal music, drugs I could never pronounce the name of, and bleach white spiky hair. Needless to say it was love at first sight. AJ proposed to me [twice] within six months and I accepted, [twice]. We had one beautiful child who we named Adam. However, due to AJ's love for overseas pharmacies and international commerce, I filed for divorce in 2006. Again, I had that feeling of never being capable to love someone, EVER. Instead of crying this time, I began to panic. It was overwhelming becoming a single mother overnight, and each day my anger toward him for choosing his addictions over Adam and I made me want to punch him in the face. Especially every time I had to see him in court. It wasn't just him I was angry with though, I was also angry with myself for marrying him. AJ and I had absolutely nothing in common except an extreme physical attrition to each other. Regardless, I was hurt and embarrassed about being someone's ex-wife at 23. The sting of failure allowed me to rationalize locking myself up in my house. The only person I wanted to be around was my then BFF, Traci.

Thankfully, Traci wasn't domesticated in any way, shape or form. She helped me pick myself up off the ground, dusted my shoulders off, and I started making new friends.

In Spring 2007, I found myself spending most of my time talking to a boy who offered to carry my jacket around so it didn't get lost at house party we were both at . His name was Davin. We stayed up at his house all night, talking. Dim light began to fill up his living room as the sun rose that morning. His cold blue eyes looked gorgeous against the slate grey colored setting. I could smell the freshness of spring rain in the air and I noticed the window was slightly open. We were on the couch when he leaned into my ear and he whispered, "I'm going to kiss you now." It was love all over again times a trillion. Being with Davin was like dating my best friend because we had everything in common. We wrote stories together, painted, listened to 2pac, and made out every chance we got.

Our time was put on hold when he moved to Louisiana six months after we met. In the name of love and utter stupidity, we continued a long distance relationship and talked on the phone every single day we were apart, for hours at a time. We also visited each other as much as possible.  I loved visiting his family as we road-tripped throughout the south, and both his mother and father fell in love me because they saw how much I truly loved their son.

By the time Summer 2008 came, we were still living 300+ miles apart. On my personal home front in Oklahoma, I was stressed financially and Davin couldn't understand because he wasn't there to see it. We broke up that summer because of jealousy, distance and insecurity. We didn't speak for a month, but eventually our cold war ended in Fall 2008 when Davin and I got back together. I was sure that we had finally made a commitment to be a real couple when we decided to move in together in March 2009.

It was blissful for the first six hours.

Then the jealousies returned, despite the fact that we were together 24/7. Within six months we were broken up for good, parting ways in August 2009. It wasn't just the fact that we were insecure with ourselves and each other, but we both lost our fathers, back-to-back, that year. The enormous amount of grief and stress that bitch-slapped us in the face, on top of adjusting to a new life together as a family was something neither he or I was prepared to cope with.

I did more than just cry over the loss of Davin. He was my life. When he left me, it felt like I was stabbed with a jagged machete through the core of my entire being; physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I didn't survive the loss of that love. Instead, I died and recycled my time on this earth by starting an entirely new life.

The winter months of 2009 weren't so cold when I met Jeremy, the lawyer/DJ/chocolatier. I experienced more with Jeremy in the three months we were together than I did with any of my previous suitors. He treated me like a princess. This was something I'd never experienced in my entire life. He was the perfect gentlemen; tall, dark, and charming. Because he had been married before, he understood the shittiness of divorce. My heart melted when he asked me to meet his parents at a radio station NYE party where he was co-DJing with his dad. Jeremy also taught me how to shoot guns and held my hand steady as I nervously aimed and shot my first one, a mini-assault rifle. The same day, oddly enough, we ended up at an exotic animal zoo because he wanted me to see the baby tigers and ligers. That's Jeremy; random, strong and sensitive, all at once.

We connected on every level except in reality. My life had literally fallen apart and his life was so incredibly intact. I was jealous of his successful lifestyle and laid back attitude. Everything worked out for him, always.This was not my case, and though Jeremy was a lawyer, he couldn't argue my statement about how different our lives were. Sometimes things just don't work out. In mid January 2010 I moved to Texas and said goodbye to Jeremy.

I'm not sure who broke whose heart this time, but I'm leaning toward a tie.

It's funny, the saying, "Sometimes things just don't work out." That statement is never true because every action, no matter how tiny or grand it may be, affects the outcome of a reaction. This is basic chemistry. Sometimes things explode, or you get what you want, and sometimes the product you were hoping to produce becomes something new due to a slight alteration in your formula; a slight alteration in your plans. So either way, something worked out. (Right Brando? =)

Once I got to Texas I had time to be alone and truly began to rebuild myself. Since I've been here, I've explored all over the metroplex; by bus, by car, and my personal favorite, trainhopping. Each place I go, I discover random parts of culture, style, attitude, and art. I've taken these spare parts, kept the ones I liked, and tweaked them to add to the rebuilding of my life. I've also done some intensive soul searching, going back in time and I have allowed myself to honestly explore all the parts of my past; good, bad, and ugly. I did this because I wanted an answer to my death; an answer as to why I had been crushed over and over, then demolished. I studied all of my behaviors, my previous relationships with people, particularly my relationship with my parents and the mile long road of failed romances. The information I gathered from this study was outrageous.

I finally understand why I spent so much time chasing after people who didn't want to be with me It was a cycle taught to me by my parents. Since the dawn of time, (which for me, was around 1983 C.E.), my parents spent their entire lives chasing each other, falling in love, then fighting, then running; Repeat. I don't know where my parents learned that cliche way of life, but they dragged me and my brothers on their endless, tag-you're-it lifestyle, even after we moved out of their home. It wasn't until my father's passing last year that I realized running from and chasing someone forever was not a mandatory or healthy way to live. I didn't have to be with someone if I wasn't content in a relationship with them and vice-versa. The possibility to a happy ending in my life was now visible in my heart's sight.

The tragic part of this realization is that I was only able to find the answer through my father's death. I would have never fathomed the idea to question our family's way of living if he was still alive today. I can tell you exactly what I would be doing if were alive now. I'd be chasing him because he was on a drinking binge and no one had heard from or seen him in days, or because I missed him and just wanted to visit him, or to
deliver a message to him from my mother. I know it's unhealthy to say this, but I would gladly give up all of the knowledge I've learned the past year, which I believe is worth more than all the love in the world, to spend even one more day with my dad. He is the only person I'll ever know whose soul resounded just like my own.

Unless you've ever been a daughter to a father, you have no idea what I'm talking about.

The voids I felt from 2009 became replaced in 2010 with rededicating myself to my art, finding ways to bridge my dreams and reality, and my determination to live by way of the, "I do what I want", formula. I almost hate to say this because I don't want to jinx it, but so far, the results I've seen from living this way have given me nothing but positive results. These positive results aren't just work and career oriented, but somewhere along the way I was lucky enough to run into Ryan at the end of March 2010. Truthfully, our friendship began on a work basis, as he was searching for content writers for a project he was working on. Had he never approached me under those terms, I probably would not have gone with him to the Granada Theater in Dallas on April 9, 2010.

Since that day, my life hasn't been the same.

The months that followed after our first meeting have been incredible. I never imagined I would meet some one who is as everything as Ryan is all the time. He's positive, stable, handsome, energetic, real, creative, hilarious and ridiculous. Even when we're not in the same room together, all I have to do is think of his smile and I gush and giggle like a school girl. Every day with him is exciting, like a new adventure, and it's not just me that's he's fallen in love with, but my family too. I feel the same way about his family. They have accepted Adam and me into their lives with open arms and made us feel like family from the first day we met them.

RYAN: I think me and Patrick are gonna go to Top Golf today.
LIZ: What's Top Golf?
RYAN: It's this place in Dallas, an indoor driving range. They have Targets in there too.
LIZ: Marry me Ryan.
RYAN: (laughs) Okay.
LIZ: I don't mean that literally, like I want to go get married today. I've just never been this happy to be with someone and shared my life with someone like you. You love all the parts of my life, including my family, and you have no idea how much that means to me. I never thought in my life I could feel like this. I want to spend every day with you now and I don't ever want this to stop.
RYAN: I feel the same way.

It was in that moment, which happened in the car last Sunday, that I realized I truly was in love with Ryan. He couldn't see the tears in my eyes because I was wearing a pair of enormous fashion sunglasses. I'm actually kind of glad he didn't because he would've thought I was crazy, I'm sure. The tears that I cried weren't coming from heartbreak. For the first time in my life I felt like someone actually loved me.

I think I might me in love. Like the lasting kind of love.

Haven't had a [good] dream
in a long time
See the life I've had
can make a good man bad
So for once in my life
please, please, please
let me get what I want
Lord knows it would be the first time.

-- Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want/ The Smiths