(On the phone tonight....)
RYAN: I don't know, I just feel like you don't want to see me anymore.
LIZ: Of course I want to see you! Why would you think that?
RYAN: I don't know, it just seems like you're getting discouraged lately.
LIZ: Well yeah, I have been feeling discouraged because I haven't really seen you in the past two weeks.
RYAN: Well I'm trying to fix that!
LIZ: I'm not telling you that because I'm trying to place blame on you or because I want you to "fix it". I'm just trying to explain to you what I'm feeling.
RYAN: Well just promise me that no matter what, we won't let our bullshit get in the way of us being together.
LIZ: Okay.
RYAN: Just hold on. It won't be that much longer.
Really?? You want me to wait??? For...how long?
That was my mind's reaction to what Ryan said to me tonight on the phone. Of course I didn't verbally respond to him in that facetious manner. I realize it's not his fault that I've been "holding on", my entire life and I've retired my "holding on", capabilities. I know he's the perfect person for me because if he wasn't, I would've laughed loudly in his ear when he asked me to, "Hold on".
Let's be honest though. First of all, what does that even mean; when someone asks you to, "hold on"? In my deeply scarred memory, "hold on", means to wait. Okay...I can agree to wait, but wait for what? I don't foresee my life or Ryan's life becoming any less busy in the future, especially within the next few years ahead of us. I plan to work on my script and see it to its completion. In the meantime I plan to continue pursuing my other artistic interests and helping others promote their artwork.
As for Ryan...well, I'm not exactly sure what Ryan's up to or where his heart is regarding his personal goals in life. I have an idea, but Ryan operates differently than I do. For example, Ryan absolutely detests working in Dallas. Mainly because of the traffic, partly because of the area he works and the social atmosphere. His daily recounts upon his commute to and from work could be turned into a book titled, 101Ways to [Luckily] Escape Your Own Death by Ryan R.
So with all of that said, he vowed that his next job would NOT be located in Dallas--Unless...
Unless it paid an enormous amount of money.
That's where he and I are different. Because if I was truly unhappy with what I was doing and where I was, I would not repeat the same action or remain in the same place that led me to that unhappiness. Above and beyond anything else; especially for the sake of making money. Maybe that's where the fallacy lies?
Get it? Where the fallacy lies?
Because we don't share common ideas about happiness, it's hard for me to gauge his next move. His ideas are unfamiliar to me and I can't predict his route at all. I don't know where he is exactly in his life and I don't know where he's going. Combine the unknown with my busy, busy life and what do you get?
Yeah, I don't know either.
Hold on.
Okay..
But for what and how long?
I know.my love,
this is not the only story you can tell.
This pain won't last forever.
There's only two more years,
so hold on.
--Two More Years/BLOC PARTY
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Love's first day in the real world.
Since Adam and I moved to Texas this year and started our life over, its been stressful and wonderful. Adam is integral to my sanity and he's aware of that, even though he's 5 years old. He knows exactly how to evoke every range of emotion from me, positive and negative. When I'm feeling depressed he picks up on it immediately and does something ridiculous; a funny face or a random dance; to make me laugh and smile again. If he sees me crying, he sits down and holds me. It's no surprise that he expects the same from me, especially if he's bored or restless. If I'm unsuccessful at my attempts to alleviate and diffuse his stress level, he takes out his frustrations on me, and we suffer together.
This summer was our transitioning period from Oklahoma to Texas. It was also the first summer that Adam wasn't involved in a summer school program. He hated every minute of not having anything to do this season. He was irritated with me because I wasn't holding up my end of our promise to take care of each other. I've been working non-stop since we moved and haven't given him the extra time he needed this summer. Six months since we first got to Texas, we've begun to settle into our new home, and I finally found a school for Adam to attend.
This summer was our transitioning period from Oklahoma to Texas. It was also the first summer that Adam wasn't involved in a summer school program. He hated every minute of not having anything to do this season. He was irritated with me because I wasn't holding up my end of our promise to take care of each other. I've been working non-stop since we moved and haven't given him the extra time he needed this summer. Six months since we first got to Texas, we've begun to settle into our new home, and I finally found a school for Adam to attend.
He began his first day of kindergarten this morning. It was hard for me to say goodbye and leave him at his new school. Adam was quite the opposite, and waved goodbye quickly, then ran directly over to his chair at the table to play with the Play-Doh his teacher set out for him. I realize I will see him later today after I get home from work, but I'm always anxious when he's not with me or a family member. He is the most important and fragile piece of my life's puzzle, my first reason for existence, and the only person in the world with whom I share a pure, unconditional love. Because of that, it's no wonder why my emotions are on eggshells when we're apart.
Even with the anxiety, I feel a sense of relief because he's back on track in his pursuit of happiness. I don't have to worry that's he's sitting at home, bored to tears while I'm at work. Also, with the extra time alone, I can continue working on my script and not feel so guilty about it. Everything is close to reaching a balance now, and I'm ecstatic about the pieces of our life falling together, in a positive place.
Still, there's no way to prepare for the conflicting emotions of emptiness and completeness that you feel on your love's first day in the real world, without you.
<3
Even with the anxiety, I feel a sense of relief because he's back on track in his pursuit of happiness. I don't have to worry that's he's sitting at home, bored to tears while I'm at work. Also, with the extra time alone, I can continue working on my script and not feel so guilty about it. Everything is close to reaching a balance now, and I'm ecstatic about the pieces of our life falling together, in a positive place.
Still, there's no way to prepare for the conflicting emotions of emptiness and completeness that you feel on your love's first day in the real world, without you.
<3
Monday, August 23, 2010
My answer: Nothing AND Everything.
I should explain that things have changed since I got back from Oklahoma last week. I knew it would happen and I even prepared my co-workers at Starbucks. They individually and repeatedly asked why I was taking a week off from work. "You're not trying to quit are you?!" my co-workers wanted to know.
"No, no, its nothing like that. I'm going on a journey of sorts", I explained, "All I know is that I will probably come back with a newly found knowledge. Chances are I'll probably be a little different. I'll still be the same person, just changed."
Everyone at work agreed that this journey would be incredible, including my boss. In fact, my amazing boss was the one who switched my work schedule around to cater to the days I requested off. Ryan was in my corner too, much to my surprise. "Do your thing," he said to me before I left town, "I'll still be here," he reassured me.
So I left last week with a clear mind.
I returned with something else.
The first night I got back, as I sat on the balcony of my house, immersed in the humid air that lounged around lazily, I felt something I'd never felt before.
I felt sure.
The truth is, I didn't expect to come back to Texas feeling as different as I do right now. Careful examination upon my psyche from before I left versus my psyche after I got home, I can see how I'm different; according to myself and according to everyone else. My priorities, my dreams, my happiness; all of the things that make up the core of a person's being; all of those things have been re-evaluated and redefined within me.
I've come to terms with the fact that my former self has passed and I'm a new person these days. I've come to terms with it, but I'm not sure if my everyone else has yet. Since I've been home everyone around me keeps asking the same question, "Are you okay?"
The feelings of confidence in what I'm doing with my life, mixed with the ability and the opportunity to see all of my plans become realized; it's all I can think of now. Maybe I was easily distracted in the past and that's why people aren't used to me being as focused as I am today? I don't know, but I do know for sure that-that's not the case today. During the Week of Seclusion, I surprised myself with how much I enjoyed leaving the rest of the world to write. I found absolute comfort in the smooth current, the smooth flow of thought turned to written words on paper. Absolute comfort is something I've never found in my life.
I liked writing before, but after last week, I fell in love with it.
Suddenly nothing matters to me the same as it did before, (with the exception of Adam). The thought of finishing my script has literally possessed my entire being and finishing it has become my life's supreme purpose now. But every time someone asks me, "What's wrong with you?", I have to question my new found purpose in life and ask myself, "Is there something wrong with me?"
Who's right and who's wrong in these questions?
I don't have the answers and even if it makes me appear entirely wrong in others' eyes, I don't care if I'm the person who seems wrong. I don't care because I've never felt more sure about my purpose in life. I think the more appropriate question to ask would be, "What's the cost you're willing to pay to witness your dreams become your reality?"
My answer:
Nothing AND everything.
Oh comely,
I will be with you when you lose your breath,
chasing the only meaningful memory
you thought you had left.
With some pretty bright and bubbly
terrible scene ,
that was doing her thing...
It isn't as pretty as you'd like to guess.
-- Oh Comely/NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL
"No, no, its nothing like that. I'm going on a journey of sorts", I explained, "All I know is that I will probably come back with a newly found knowledge. Chances are I'll probably be a little different. I'll still be the same person, just changed."
Everyone at work agreed that this journey would be incredible, including my boss. In fact, my amazing boss was the one who switched my work schedule around to cater to the days I requested off. Ryan was in my corner too, much to my surprise. "Do your thing," he said to me before I left town, "I'll still be here," he reassured me.
So I left last week with a clear mind.
I returned with something else.
The first night I got back, as I sat on the balcony of my house, immersed in the humid air that lounged around lazily, I felt something I'd never felt before.
I felt sure.
The truth is, I didn't expect to come back to Texas feeling as different as I do right now. Careful examination upon my psyche from before I left versus my psyche after I got home, I can see how I'm different; according to myself and according to everyone else. My priorities, my dreams, my happiness; all of the things that make up the core of a person's being; all of those things have been re-evaluated and redefined within me.
I've come to terms with the fact that my former self has passed and I'm a new person these days. I've come to terms with it, but I'm not sure if my everyone else has yet. Since I've been home everyone around me keeps asking the same question, "Are you okay?"
"Of course I'm okay", I reassure them, then ask, "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know. You're just not talking as much as you usually do", they say.
"I'm fine. I'm just preoccupied", I explain.
The feelings of confidence in what I'm doing with my life, mixed with the ability and the opportunity to see all of my plans become realized; it's all I can think of now. Maybe I was easily distracted in the past and that's why people aren't used to me being as focused as I am today? I don't know, but I do know for sure that-that's not the case today. During the Week of Seclusion, I surprised myself with how much I enjoyed leaving the rest of the world to write. I found absolute comfort in the smooth current, the smooth flow of thought turned to written words on paper. Absolute comfort is something I've never found in my life.
I liked writing before, but after last week, I fell in love with it.
Suddenly nothing matters to me the same as it did before, (with the exception of Adam). The thought of finishing my script has literally possessed my entire being and finishing it has become my life's supreme purpose now. But every time someone asks me, "What's wrong with you?", I have to question my new found purpose in life and ask myself, "Is there something wrong with me?"
Who's right and who's wrong in these questions?
I don't have the answers and even if it makes me appear entirely wrong in others' eyes, I don't care if I'm the person who seems wrong. I don't care because I've never felt more sure about my purpose in life. I think the more appropriate question to ask would be, "What's the cost you're willing to pay to witness your dreams become your reality?"
My answer:
Nothing AND everything.
I will be with you when you lose your breath,
chasing the only meaningful memory
you thought you had left.
With some pretty bright and bubbly
terrible scene ,
that was doing her thing...
It isn't as pretty as you'd like to guess.
-- Oh Comely/NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Day 3 : Speak to Me
The Week of Seclusion came to its ending this evening. Though I was only able to spend three solid days writing, (the other two days were spent on the road), I accomplished quite a bit of work for the script. I was hoping to have the first draft ready by tomorrow, but now, I don't think I want to finish it just yet. It's not because I'm being lazy and I don't want to write. It's more complicated than that.
This week by myself wasn't spent entirely on my own. I spent the majority of my time with the characters in the script. I learned about their histories and personalities. I became engrossed in every single detail they shared with me. They allowed me to inquire about anything and everything; their likes and their dislikes, their sex-lives, their dreams...their hopes and their fears, favorite restaurants, their fetishes and their secrets. Nothing was too personal or too private for them to divulge.
The characters spoke to me.
I tried to do this a few months ago, interview style. The characters obliged me and answered all of my questions, exactly. When I stacked up all of the recorded interviews and began to read them, their answers sounded...scripted. That's not what I was after at all. So I discarded the interviews and began to wonder if the characters truly wanted their story told. I took a break from the idea of writing their experiences because honestly, I had no idea what they were trying to tell me about themselves or what they had been through.
How could I translate if I was unable to understand?
All of that was changed this week. I formed a bond with these individuals and made a pact with them. Now I have a commitment to help communicate and share their tales of adventures (and misadventures) through dialogue. I decided to intertwine their stories, making them one. Thankfully the characters have agreed to share their experiences using performance as a medium.
Even though it wasn't finished today, I expect to have the first draft of the script finished on September 1st, 2010. Truthfully, I don't have a clear plan on what to do with the script after it's written, but I'm excited to see what may happen when I get there.
This week by myself wasn't spent entirely on my own. I spent the majority of my time with the characters in the script. I learned about their histories and personalities. I became engrossed in every single detail they shared with me. They allowed me to inquire about anything and everything; their likes and their dislikes, their sex-lives, their dreams...their hopes and their fears, favorite restaurants, their fetishes and their secrets. Nothing was too personal or too private for them to divulge.
The characters spoke to me.
I tried to do this a few months ago, interview style. The characters obliged me and answered all of my questions, exactly. When I stacked up all of the recorded interviews and began to read them, their answers sounded...scripted. That's not what I was after at all. So I discarded the interviews and began to wonder if the characters truly wanted their story told. I took a break from the idea of writing their experiences because honestly, I had no idea what they were trying to tell me about themselves or what they had been through.
How could I translate if I was unable to understand?
All of that was changed this week. I formed a bond with these individuals and made a pact with them. Now I have a commitment to help communicate and share their tales of adventures (and misadventures) through dialogue. I decided to intertwine their stories, making them one. Thankfully the characters have agreed to share their experiences using performance as a medium.
Even though it wasn't finished today, I expect to have the first draft of the script finished on September 1st, 2010. Truthfully, I don't have a clear plan on what to do with the script after it's written, but I'm excited to see what may happen when I get there.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The One about ELO and the McAllisters.
Day #2 isn't even over yet and I feel mentally exhausted. Confessing that my mind is already running on empty is extremely embarrassing for me. It's kind of like exercise. When you stop going to the gym, it's hard to exercise for extended periods of time without becoming winded. I haven't exercised my brain or even my free thought on a routine basis. When I started writing on Day #1, I took off like a bat out of hell, (Meatloaf pun entirely intended). I knew I should have paced myself.
In order to keep myself from getting writer's block, I thought I would journal some more random thought from my solitary confinement.
Earlier this morning, as I woke up, I noticed through the curtains that the sun had not yet risen. I quickly jumped out of bed, grabbed my cigarettes and lighter, and headed outside to watch the sun rise. That would've been fine and dandy except as I opened the front door, I was greeted with cool air and an overcast sky. "That's why it looked like the sun hadn't risen yet", I thought to myself, "The clouds are blocking the sun's rays." Regardless, it felt nice this morning to step out into the arms of a mild and temperate Mother Nature. I sat down on the sidewalk and surveyed the teal colored sky all around me. I crossed my arms over my knees and finished my nicotine breakfast, slowly.
Aside from everything else, it's been AMAZING having the week off from Starbucks. Don't misunderstand me, I LOVE working at Starbucks, but sometimes I need some solitary confinement to...Think about things and survey things I normally wouldn't notice on a busy day.
Wait, I take that back. That isn't true because I notice and memorize every detail of people, places and things that intrigue me, no matter how busy I am.
Would it be safe to say that sometimes I just need a break from the world? I don't even know if that's a true statement because I'm not trying to get away from the world. I love the world and the people in it. But being alone brings on a feeling of weightlessness that can only be matched during deep sea diving or space travel, I'm sure. Being alone allows me to freely get in touch with my ridiculous and irresponsible side because I'm only accountable for one person when I'm alone.
Myself.
A perfect example of the irresponsible behavior I partake in when I'm alone was showcased earlier. I ditched my writing for a few hours so I could listen to Electric Light Orchestra while I pondered the meaning of life for the millionth time, today. This is what happens when thought is able to roam, free-range style. Lost in free thought, I humored myself by trying to guess which of my friends could possibly be hiding a secret love for ELO and staring out into complete oblivion.
I can't put my finger on what it is about ELO that puts me in a trance-like state, freezing me so I can't stop listening to their wonderful, catchy songs. Watching ELO music videos today, I can definitely see where the FLIPs get a big portion of their influence. Maybe that's why I like ELO so much? No matter what the reasons are behind my love for experimental spacey music, I salute them. The music serves as the perfect soundtrack to my irresponsibility, distracting me from focusing on work and from feeling guilty for doing nothing except enjoying radical amazing-ness.
I also have to take my hat off to the idea of voluntary, solitary confinement. (I stress the word voluntary as I have no desire to be arrested and forced into solitary confinement.) Being alone has its perks outside of simply allowing me more time to work. It gave me the opportunity to nerd out in privacy and exercise my free thought. I got to do it in my pajamas too, and no one cared.
I wonder if this is how Kevin McAllister felt when his family left him home alone, twice.
In order to keep myself from getting writer's block, I thought I would journal some more random thought from my solitary confinement.
Earlier this morning, as I woke up, I noticed through the curtains that the sun had not yet risen. I quickly jumped out of bed, grabbed my cigarettes and lighter, and headed outside to watch the sun rise. That would've been fine and dandy except as I opened the front door, I was greeted with cool air and an overcast sky. "That's why it looked like the sun hadn't risen yet", I thought to myself, "The clouds are blocking the sun's rays." Regardless, it felt nice this morning to step out into the arms of a mild and temperate Mother Nature. I sat down on the sidewalk and surveyed the teal colored sky all around me. I crossed my arms over my knees and finished my nicotine breakfast, slowly.
Aside from everything else, it's been AMAZING having the week off from Starbucks. Don't misunderstand me, I LOVE working at Starbucks, but sometimes I need some solitary confinement to...Think about things and survey things I normally wouldn't notice on a busy day.
Wait, I take that back. That isn't true because I notice and memorize every detail of people, places and things that intrigue me, no matter how busy I am.
Would it be safe to say that sometimes I just need a break from the world? I don't even know if that's a true statement because I'm not trying to get away from the world. I love the world and the people in it. But being alone brings on a feeling of weightlessness that can only be matched during deep sea diving or space travel, I'm sure. Being alone allows me to freely get in touch with my ridiculous and irresponsible side because I'm only accountable for one person when I'm alone.
Myself.
A perfect example of the irresponsible behavior I partake in when I'm alone was showcased earlier. I ditched my writing for a few hours so I could listen to Electric Light Orchestra while I pondered the meaning of life for the millionth time, today. This is what happens when thought is able to roam, free-range style. Lost in free thought, I humored myself by trying to guess which of my friends could possibly be hiding a secret love for ELO and staring out into complete oblivion.
I can't put my finger on what it is about ELO that puts me in a trance-like state, freezing me so I can't stop listening to their wonderful, catchy songs. Watching ELO music videos today, I can definitely see where the FLIPs get a big portion of their influence. Maybe that's why I like ELO so much? No matter what the reasons are behind my love for experimental spacey music, I salute them. The music serves as the perfect soundtrack to my irresponsibility, distracting me from focusing on work and from feeling guilty for doing nothing except enjoying radical amazing-ness.
I also have to take my hat off to the idea of voluntary, solitary confinement. (I stress the word voluntary as I have no desire to be arrested and forced into solitary confinement.) Being alone has its perks outside of simply allowing me more time to work. It gave me the opportunity to nerd out in privacy and exercise my free thought. I got to do it in my pajamas too, and no one cared.
I wonder if this is how Kevin McAllister felt when his family left him home alone, twice.
Really?
What are the odds of accidentally leaving your bratty, smart-mouth kid at home by himself while you go on vacation....
What are the odds of accidentally leaving your bratty, smart-mouth kid at home by himself while you go on vacation....
Twice?
Analyzing the parenting skills of the McAllisters is a perfect example of the ridiculous behavior I partake in when I'm alone.
Day 2 : I'm getting better. Even if only slightly.
My Holiday Mathis horoscope for the day...
CANCER (June 22-July 22). For you, it's not satisfying to plod along in the middle, making a minimal impact. When you give your energy to a project, you expect the end result to be a major hit. And this expectation will soon be met.
Very awesome encouragement!
I have to celebrate a little because I've made more progress on the script than I anticipated to have made by this time. Things are running along smoothly so there's no doubt in my mind that the first draft will be typed up and ready for critical eyes and minds to read in no time! Its been strange going back down memory lane to find the inspiration for writing the scenes. For the first time, it hasn't mind fucked me completely to travel back down those abandoned roads. This can only mean one thing.
I'm getting better. Even if only slightly.
The fortunes of fables are able to sing the song.
Now witness the quickness with which we get along.
To sing the blues, you've got to live the tunes
and carry on...
Love is coming, it's coming to us all.
--Carry On / CSNY
CANCER (June 22-July 22). For you, it's not satisfying to plod along in the middle, making a minimal impact. When you give your energy to a project, you expect the end result to be a major hit. And this expectation will soon be met.
Very awesome encouragement!
I have to celebrate a little because I've made more progress on the script than I anticipated to have made by this time. Things are running along smoothly so there's no doubt in my mind that the first draft will be typed up and ready for critical eyes and minds to read in no time! Its been strange going back down memory lane to find the inspiration for writing the scenes. For the first time, it hasn't mind fucked me completely to travel back down those abandoned roads. This can only mean one thing.
I'm getting better. Even if only slightly.
The fortunes of fables are able to sing the song.
Now witness the quickness with which we get along.
To sing the blues, you've got to live the tunes
and carry on...
Love is coming, it's coming to us all.
--Carry On / CSNY
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Day 1: I believe it's worth more.
It shouldn't be any surprise that I'm starting off the "Week of Seclusion" in Oklahoma. I thought it would be the perfect backdrop to encourage my writing since I have bittersweet memories of the area. Bitter-sweetness is the fuel that art uses to move and my writing is no different. Truthfully, I didn't turn off my phone until mid-morning, but since last night, I've stuck to the promise to stay off Myspace, Facebook, and Twitter. This pledge to abandon my phone and online social networking make me feel like a high-tech communications junkie in recovery.
Too bad I don't have Dr.Drew here to guide me through the process.
The past few days I've been talking about and preparing for this trip, I've been thinking about how bizarre, crazy, or just plain boring my obsession over my dreams and goals sound to those who aren't into writing. These dreams and plans I have must sound particularly ridiculous to those who don't obsess over anything, period.
I began to think of everything I have sacrificed, everything I am sacrificing, and everything I would sacrifice, in order to see this script written from start to finish.
My mother and I actually had this discussion about sacrifice last Saturday night. She could tell I was becoming anxious and came into my bedroom, where I laid quietly, alone on the bed in dim lighting. She sat down and stroked my forehead. Without question, she spoke to me and said, "Dear, there's no need for you to worry. You've done everything and you're doing everything you need to do in order to make your dreams come true. You have the talent and the content. Its all there. You just have to continue doing whatever it takes to get your script finished."
"I know mama", I replied to her reassuring words, then said, "It's just trying to figure out the best way to get there. I know I have to sacrifice some things to make sure I have time to write and finish this script. This time around, NOTHING is off the chopping block.... Well except for Adam."
After drying off from my pre-writing shower earlier today, I couldn't shake off thinking about the word, "sacrifice". The word itself sounds dramatic and fatal, but it's an important word that comes to my mind when explaining what its like to live with a love for my dreams to become my reality.
Anything in this world is possible, you just have to take the steps to get what you want. Unfortunately, sacrifice is a mandatory step we take to travel the most effective route to our dreams. After its all said and done, the route becomes a map that shows us how we got there. The things we kept in our lives are marked as points of interest we stopped at along the way, and the things we sacrificed in our lives are noted as dead ends we accidentally went down or routes we avoided all together.
Sounds brutal?
I'm not going to lie, it is brutal.
The idea of sacrifice is an idea I'm sure the New Rich would love to argue because it sounds like an Old Rich institution. However, I'm not saving up my time to spend it all on something that is meaningless, like a new car or a mansion. I'm spending my time to write something that means the world to me that I want to share with the rest of the world for years to come.
I believe that's worth more than a Ferrari.
Too bad I don't have Dr.Drew here to guide me through the process.
The past few days I've been talking about and preparing for this trip, I've been thinking about how bizarre, crazy, or just plain boring my obsession over my dreams and goals sound to those who aren't into writing. These dreams and plans I have must sound particularly ridiculous to those who don't obsess over anything, period.
~
Today, before I began to dive back into working on my memoir script, I took a shower. I usually listen to music but I nixed my playlist for a few moments so I could thoroughly cleanse my body and mind. This is a new pre-writing ritual I discovered. The sound of only the water that poured from the shower head, over my entire being and into the bathtub allowed me to hear my own thoughts. Just like the water my thoughts moved, pouring out from my head and heart and over my entire being. I was immersed in a mixture of solitary thought and warm, soft water.I began to think of everything I have sacrificed, everything I am sacrificing, and everything I would sacrifice, in order to see this script written from start to finish.
My mother and I actually had this discussion about sacrifice last Saturday night. She could tell I was becoming anxious and came into my bedroom, where I laid quietly, alone on the bed in dim lighting. She sat down and stroked my forehead. Without question, she spoke to me and said, "Dear, there's no need for you to worry. You've done everything and you're doing everything you need to do in order to make your dreams come true. You have the talent and the content. Its all there. You just have to continue doing whatever it takes to get your script finished."
"I know mama", I replied to her reassuring words, then said, "It's just trying to figure out the best way to get there. I know I have to sacrifice some things to make sure I have time to write and finish this script. This time around, NOTHING is off the chopping block.... Well except for Adam."
~
After drying off from my pre-writing shower earlier today, I couldn't shake off thinking about the word, "sacrifice". The word itself sounds dramatic and fatal, but it's an important word that comes to my mind when explaining what its like to live with a love for my dreams to become my reality.
Anything in this world is possible, you just have to take the steps to get what you want. Unfortunately, sacrifice is a mandatory step we take to travel the most effective route to our dreams. After its all said and done, the route becomes a map that shows us how we got there. The things we kept in our lives are marked as points of interest we stopped at along the way, and the things we sacrificed in our lives are noted as dead ends we accidentally went down or routes we avoided all together.
Sounds brutal?
I'm not going to lie, it is brutal.
The idea of sacrifice is an idea I'm sure the New Rich would love to argue because it sounds like an Old Rich institution. However, I'm not saving up my time to spend it all on something that is meaningless, like a new car or a mansion. I'm spending my time to write something that means the world to me that I want to share with the rest of the world for years to come.
I believe that's worth more than a Ferrari.
I believe it's worth more than having drinks at a trendy bar.
It's worth more than the white picket fence and 2.5 kids
More than the comfort of staying in a state
where I'm most familiar.
It's worth more than a fleeting one night stand,
an iPhone, designer shoes
and haute couture fashionista status.
For now it's worth more than
you.
It's worth more than
me,
and the almost finished college degree plan.
It means more than fame,
It's worth unmatched against
all the love
and all the money in the world.
I believe it's worth more.
It's worth more than the white picket fence and 2.5 kids
More than the comfort of staying in a state
where I'm most familiar.
It's worth more than a fleeting one night stand,
an iPhone, designer shoes
and haute couture fashionista status.
For now it's worth more than
you.
It's worth more than
me,
and the almost finished college degree plan.
It means more than fame,
It's worth unmatched against
all the love
and all the money in the world.
I believe it's worth more.
Friday, August 13, 2010
The rest of the story from Summer 2010.
It's time to catch up on life and the unfinished experiences of Summer 2010.
The biggest experience this summer has been my family's departure from our life in Oklahoma. In a sense I can see where my father's death in Spring 2009 marked the beginning of the terminal stage for our time spent in the Sooner State.
Experiencing the death of a parent brings about feelings of mortality and fortunately/UNfortunately, for me, second chances. I say fortunately/UNfortunately because the death of my father has been the most bittersweet event in my lifetime. It brought upon feelings of grief I never could have prepared for; mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It also brought upon feelings of liberation because I didn't have to worry about my alcoholic father hurting my family, himself, or me, any longer.
The acceptance stage of grief from dealing with my father's death finally began this summer. Though I accept it, I continue to deal with his loss on a day to day basis. There isn't a day that goes by that one of my five senses isn't jolted, which causes my present state of being to be rattled with memories of my father. Particularly my sense of hearing is sensitive to his memory because his favorite thing to share with me was his love for rock n' roll music. From first hand experience I can say that no one truly gets over the loss of a parent, but in order to continue life, the loss must be something one learns to live within.
I guess that's what acceptance is all about; learning how to cope and live with something you are incapable of changing.
From the time I moved to Texas in January 2010 to today; Friday, August 13, 2010; I can see that I've had a hyper-reaction to not only my father's death, but also from losing a family member to homicide and from my grandfather's death; all of which happened in 2009. This hyper-reaction is the reason I wake up every morning and praise the rising sun, because watching the sun rise means I was given a chance to live another day. I know that sounds a bit overdone, but it's how I feel every day I open my eyes for the first time.
My biggest fear still today, is that the deaths of my three loved ones happened in vain. I cannot live with that notion. For death to happen in vain, in my opinion, means that life existed in vain; without reason. The three lives that were lost last year did not begin or end in vain. I've made it my personal mission to make sure that none of the tragic events from my past life in Oklahoma, including the loss of my three loves ones, do not go written down in the book of life as happening in vain. I plan to do something incredible with my time on this earth and my second chance to live a fulfilling life, despite the unlucky events that have happened. Through my refusal to simply exist without reason, I plan to personally avenge the deaths of my loved ones.
It's an interesting concept I think, for life to be inspired from death.
The hyper-pro-living lifestyle I've chosen to pursue has diffused into my brother Patrick's path, and he left his job a few weeks ago because of how unhappy it made him. When we sat down and talked about the pros and cons of him leaving the job, the final belief that won was; "What's the point of doing something if you're not content with it?" My soul was inspired at how he decided to follow his heart and mind and he didn't allow a belief in money and material possessions rule his life's decisions.
No matter what, at the end of the day
money can be won
money can be made
money can be saved
and money can be lost.
The only thing that always remains intact, without the need for anything except for yourself, is how you feel; good or bad, happy or sad. My brother decided that peace of mind and making his heart's true dreams and desires a priority were worth risking it all; leaving a stable paycheck and job security so he could find real happiness and have more time to work on the goals he truly wants to accomplish in his lifetime.
Salud! Baila, baila!
Over the course of this summer, Patrick and I have both begun to explore our personal interests freely, for the first time in our lives. From starting an art promotions company together, to making more time for leisure activities we enjoy, [like going to art museums and having family BBQs], to opening ourselves up to meeting new people and making a point to take part in new life experiences as often as possible...
Despite our hit-the-ground-running attitude toward life in Texas, not everyone felt their path was in the same state.
The youngest of our sibling trinity, Joey, moved back to Oklahoma a month ago. It's something I've chosen not to talk about too much because it breaks my heart that he isn't on this journey with us. When Joey left, he said it was because he was happier in Oklahoma. I'm still trying to figure out how that could be possible. I have to remind myself that everyone's idea of happiness is different and that truly loving someone means encouraging them in their version of happiness, even if you don't share the same vision.
Patrick and I haven't really spoken to Joey much since he moved. Hopefully he's truly happy living in Oklahoma again.
At the end of the day that's all that matters; Happiness.
So now with the return of football on TV and school supplies on sale at Wal-Mart, I can sense Summer 2010 winding down. I made a personal goal to myself at the beginning of the summer to have the first draft of my memoir/script written by the end of the season so I could begin work-shopping it this fall.
I'm running short on time in keeping that promise to myself.
Next Monday, Adam is scheduled for a full week of visitation with his father. Thanks to Ms. Amanda Star, a friend and co-worker from Starbucks, I also have all of next week off from work. Starting Monday night, August 16, 2010 to Friday morning, August 20, 2010, I plan to go into complete seclusion. This means NO PHONE and NO ONLINE SOCIAL NETWORKING, so that I can concentrate 100% on finishing the first draft of my script. I plan to not only finish the script, but also to journal the experience of spending that much time alone. It will be the first time in my life I've gone an entire week without my phone, Twitter, Facebook and Myspace. The week of seclusion should be a separate story all on its own.
Get it? Seclusion...all on its own.
Now that I've humored myself and found some balance and reason to the season, I'm off to catch the last part of the Perseid meteor shower. I did the same thing around this time last year when I still lived in Oklahoma. That night, as I sat in my mothers driveway by myself, I saw one of the meteors shoot across the sky from east to west, like a blazing, pastel blue flame. It was the first time I saw a shooting star go across the sky instead of fall from the sky, so I made a wish on it.
In this moment, I just realized that wish came true.
The biggest experience this summer has been my family's departure from our life in Oklahoma. In a sense I can see where my father's death in Spring 2009 marked the beginning of the terminal stage for our time spent in the Sooner State.
Experiencing the death of a parent brings about feelings of mortality and fortunately/UNfortunately, for me, second chances. I say fortunately/UNfortunately because the death of my father has been the most bittersweet event in my lifetime. It brought upon feelings of grief I never could have prepared for; mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It also brought upon feelings of liberation because I didn't have to worry about my alcoholic father hurting my family, himself, or me, any longer.
The acceptance stage of grief from dealing with my father's death finally began this summer. Though I accept it, I continue to deal with his loss on a day to day basis. There isn't a day that goes by that one of my five senses isn't jolted, which causes my present state of being to be rattled with memories of my father. Particularly my sense of hearing is sensitive to his memory because his favorite thing to share with me was his love for rock n' roll music. From first hand experience I can say that no one truly gets over the loss of a parent, but in order to continue life, the loss must be something one learns to live within.
I guess that's what acceptance is all about; learning how to cope and live with something you are incapable of changing.
From the time I moved to Texas in January 2010 to today; Friday, August 13, 2010; I can see that I've had a hyper-reaction to not only my father's death, but also from losing a family member to homicide and from my grandfather's death; all of which happened in 2009. This hyper-reaction is the reason I wake up every morning and praise the rising sun, because watching the sun rise means I was given a chance to live another day. I know that sounds a bit overdone, but it's how I feel every day I open my eyes for the first time.
My biggest fear still today, is that the deaths of my three loved ones happened in vain. I cannot live with that notion. For death to happen in vain, in my opinion, means that life existed in vain; without reason. The three lives that were lost last year did not begin or end in vain. I've made it my personal mission to make sure that none of the tragic events from my past life in Oklahoma, including the loss of my three loves ones, do not go written down in the book of life as happening in vain. I plan to do something incredible with my time on this earth and my second chance to live a fulfilling life, despite the unlucky events that have happened. Through my refusal to simply exist without reason, I plan to personally avenge the deaths of my loved ones.
It's an interesting concept I think, for life to be inspired from death.
The hyper-pro-living lifestyle I've chosen to pursue has diffused into my brother Patrick's path, and he left his job a few weeks ago because of how unhappy it made him. When we sat down and talked about the pros and cons of him leaving the job, the final belief that won was; "What's the point of doing something if you're not content with it?" My soul was inspired at how he decided to follow his heart and mind and he didn't allow a belief in money and material possessions rule his life's decisions.
No matter what, at the end of the day
money can be won
money can be made
money can be saved
and money can be lost.
The only thing that always remains intact, without the need for anything except for yourself, is how you feel; good or bad, happy or sad. My brother decided that peace of mind and making his heart's true dreams and desires a priority were worth risking it all; leaving a stable paycheck and job security so he could find real happiness and have more time to work on the goals he truly wants to accomplish in his lifetime.
Salud! Baila, baila!
Over the course of this summer, Patrick and I have both begun to explore our personal interests freely, for the first time in our lives. From starting an art promotions company together, to making more time for leisure activities we enjoy, [like going to art museums and having family BBQs], to opening ourselves up to meeting new people and making a point to take part in new life experiences as often as possible...
Despite our hit-the-ground-running attitude toward life in Texas, not everyone felt their path was in the same state.
The youngest of our sibling trinity, Joey, moved back to Oklahoma a month ago. It's something I've chosen not to talk about too much because it breaks my heart that he isn't on this journey with us. When Joey left, he said it was because he was happier in Oklahoma. I'm still trying to figure out how that could be possible. I have to remind myself that everyone's idea of happiness is different and that truly loving someone means encouraging them in their version of happiness, even if you don't share the same vision.
Patrick and I haven't really spoken to Joey much since he moved. Hopefully he's truly happy living in Oklahoma again.
At the end of the day that's all that matters; Happiness.
~
So now with the return of football on TV and school supplies on sale at Wal-Mart, I can sense Summer 2010 winding down. I made a personal goal to myself at the beginning of the summer to have the first draft of my memoir/script written by the end of the season so I could begin work-shopping it this fall.
I'm running short on time in keeping that promise to myself.
Next Monday, Adam is scheduled for a full week of visitation with his father. Thanks to Ms. Amanda Star, a friend and co-worker from Starbucks, I also have all of next week off from work. Starting Monday night, August 16, 2010 to Friday morning, August 20, 2010, I plan to go into complete seclusion. This means NO PHONE and NO ONLINE SOCIAL NETWORKING, so that I can concentrate 100% on finishing the first draft of my script. I plan to not only finish the script, but also to journal the experience of spending that much time alone. It will be the first time in my life I've gone an entire week without my phone, Twitter, Facebook and Myspace. The week of seclusion should be a separate story all on its own.
Get it? Seclusion...all on its own.
Now that I've humored myself and found some balance and reason to the season, I'm off to catch the last part of the Perseid meteor shower. I did the same thing around this time last year when I still lived in Oklahoma. That night, as I sat in my mothers driveway by myself, I saw one of the meteors shoot across the sky from east to west, like a blazing, pastel blue flame. It was the first time I saw a shooting star go across the sky instead of fall from the sky, so I made a wish on it.
In this moment, I just realized that wish came true.
A boy with a coin he crammed in his jeans
Then making a wish he tossed in the sea
Walked to a town that all of us burn
When God left the ground to circle the world
--Boy With a Coin / IRON & WINE
Then making a wish he tossed in the sea
Walked to a town that all of us burn
When God left the ground to circle the world
--Boy With a Coin / IRON & WINE
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
"It never stops."
Tonight was the night. It was the night I came to the realization that no matter how positive my outlook on life is at the moment, or the fact that I'm finally taking steps in the right direction these days, my past is ALWAYS lingering around the corner...ALWAYS stalking me, reminding me that things really can get destitute in a matter of seconds.
It never stops.
It n-e-v-e-r f-u-c-k-i-n-g stops.
This time it happened at a What-A-Burger, after we left the Eighth Circuit show @ the Ridglea Theater, off Camp Bowie Blvd in Fort Worth, TX. As we pulled up in the parking lot, I noticed the stop sign intersection and it looked strangely familiar. Once we walked into the restaurant, my attention immediately turned to the booth in the back corner. Suddenly, I could see last year; Davin, Joey, and Patrick and me; sitting in that back booth, drunk and laughing, waiting for our hamburgers. When I sat at that booth a year ago, I was the happiest girl in the world. Davin and I just came from Patrick and Joey's home on Wimberley St, and my brothers had Davin convinced that Texas would be an amazing place to move. We ate our hamburgers and I relished in the idea that it would only be one more month before we moved from Oklahoma to Texas. I was excited for the opportunities I knew Davin would find for his career in the metroplex, and I was also happy that I was going to be closer to my brothers.
I couldn't have been more wrong in my prediction.
We left the What-A-Burger that night, a year ago, with no idea that it would be the locale for our last peaceful supper together. My brother dropped us off after we ate dinner, at the Holiday Inn on Cherry Lane. Davin and I sat downstairs to smoke a cigarette before we walked inside. We were both hopeful and happy, which was a big deal considering that after Davin moved in with me and my father passed away, we argued, constantly.
The next morning I woke up to Davin's phone that wouldn't stop ringing. Finally, I answered it, and we received the news from his mom that his father and step-mother were gone...
Everything for everyone changed after that moment.
It never stops.
It n-e-v-e-r f-u-c-k-i-n-g stops.
This time it happened at a What-A-Burger, after we left the Eighth Circuit show @ the Ridglea Theater, off Camp Bowie Blvd in Fort Worth, TX. As we pulled up in the parking lot, I noticed the stop sign intersection and it looked strangely familiar. Once we walked into the restaurant, my attention immediately turned to the booth in the back corner. Suddenly, I could see last year; Davin, Joey, and Patrick and me; sitting in that back booth, drunk and laughing, waiting for our hamburgers. When I sat at that booth a year ago, I was the happiest girl in the world. Davin and I just came from Patrick and Joey's home on Wimberley St, and my brothers had Davin convinced that Texas would be an amazing place to move. We ate our hamburgers and I relished in the idea that it would only be one more month before we moved from Oklahoma to Texas. I was excited for the opportunities I knew Davin would find for his career in the metroplex, and I was also happy that I was going to be closer to my brothers.
I couldn't have been more wrong in my prediction.
We left the What-A-Burger that night, a year ago, with no idea that it would be the locale for our last peaceful supper together. My brother dropped us off after we ate dinner, at the Holiday Inn on Cherry Lane. Davin and I sat downstairs to smoke a cigarette before we walked inside. We were both hopeful and happy, which was a big deal considering that after Davin moved in with me and my father passed away, we argued, constantly.
The next morning I woke up to Davin's phone that wouldn't stop ringing. Finally, I answered it, and we received the news from his mom that his father and step-mother were gone...
Everything for everyone changed after that moment.
Every day it comes to this
Catch the things you might have missed
You say, get back to yesterday
I ain't ever going back
To the place that I can't stand
I'm always misunderstood
Up and down
Pulled apart and ripped in two
And I miss the way you lie
--Catch the Sun - The Doves
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
This I believe.
Working in the heart of downtown Fort Worth has put me in the path of a variety of people I wouldn't normally come into contact with. From corporate Americans, homeless teens, restaurant owners, service workers, college professors, vacationers and business travelers; everyday is a new adventure because of the diverse types of people that I encounter. This week I had the pleasure of meeting an interesting group of individuals who came from all over the world to attend the Believer's Convention, hosted by Kenneth Copeland Ministries.
First of all, if you asked me if I was going to the Believer's Convention, I would have told you no because my faith doesn't follow textbook Christianity. Honestly, I'm not exactly sure where I stand in my faith and beliefs. I know that I believe in a higher power and the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you", and "good energy promotes good energy and bad energy promotes bad energy".
That's pretty much the foundation of my personal faith.
In the past, if someone were to approach me from an organized religion, I would've judged them because I didn't share their beliefs, and I would've tuned them out before they even spoke. I've realized in my 27 years on this planet, that if I judge someone because I think they're going to judge me, that type of reaction is negative, and is rooted in fear and ignorance. Fear and ignorance stagnate minds and isolate people, which only hinders our humanity's evolution.
I believe we're capable of something better than fear and ignorance.
On this spiritual journey, I'm striving to be a well-rounded and welcoming spirit and I do my best to try to stick to that philosophy 24/7. I do this because I want to be a better person and also so I don't shut myself out from opportunities; personal experiences and business/career standpoints. I will admit that it's tough not to judge people who approach me, and I have to remind myself throughout the day not to give in to the cycle of negativity and react to someone negatively, especially when they treat me poorly.
I confess, last Sunday, when my boss asked me to make extra coffee base for frappuccinos an hour before we closed, I took a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh. Then I slowly opened the cabinet where we keep the powdered mix and took my time measuring out the water for the base. Moving at a glacial pace was my private protest against having to serve the soon-to-be masses of people who would be in our store the next day, demanding tasty, icy beverages. Before I even had time to take another heavy sigh, a group of customers came walking into our store.
I stopped stirring and started talking.
So I went to the convention, and thanks to the man first man who came into the store that Sunday, I got VIP seating on the floor of the convention. They were right, Mr. Jesse Duplantis was funny, and I could see where he made his sermons entertaining and casual, so people could understand his interpretation upon his faith and belief in God. The entire week of the convention, work was good, and the people took care of all of our baristas, making sure to acknowledge when we made drinks well and tipping us. Not once, did any of the people from the convention press their beliefs on me nor did they treat me rudely. This was even after I confessed to them that post 2009, I wasn't sure where I stood in my faith about anything except for my own life and humanity. The week flew by, and each person I made a connection with came by the store to say good-bye and some gave me their business cards with the hugs. It was awesome giving out hugs at work. What can I say? You can't blame me, I'm a hugger.
The Sunday everyone departed, I looked at our empty store and began to miss the mass of good energy.
I took a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh. Just as I did, a tiny woman walked into the store with a huge smile on her face. I couldn't help but mirror her action, and I smiled back. As I made her drink, we talked, and she informed me that she was from Australia. She inspired me with her devotion to her faith, traveling that far to come to the convention. She began to ask me about my life, and I gave her the synopsis. She told me that I inspired her, and she asked me if she could pray for me and I obliged. So right there at the register, she held my hand and asked God to guide me on my spiritual journey and she said that I was going to lift people up through my writing.
It was the nicest thing a complete stranger has ever done for me, in my entire life.
So have my faiths and beliefs been changed since this experience? Yes and no. I still don't believe I'm a Christian and I still believe I have a lot of learning to do when it comes to spirituality and faith. I'm proud of myself for opening up to the idea of Christianity because even though I didn't leave the experience sharing the exact same beliefs of those I met, I still came into contact with amazing people that touched and impacted my life. Instead of fearing them and ignoring them I tried a different approach and immersed myself in their energy. I also picked up the literature I intended to get for my surrogate father. Hopefully, once he gets the books in the mail, he'll be happy learning more about his faith, and he can connect with the ministry. Mission accomplished.
First of all, if you asked me if I was going to the Believer's Convention, I would have told you no because my faith doesn't follow textbook Christianity. Honestly, I'm not exactly sure where I stand in my faith and beliefs. I know that I believe in a higher power and the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you", and "good energy promotes good energy and bad energy promotes bad energy".
That's pretty much the foundation of my personal faith.
In the past, if someone were to approach me from an organized religion, I would've judged them because I didn't share their beliefs, and I would've tuned them out before they even spoke. I've realized in my 27 years on this planet, that if I judge someone because I think they're going to judge me, that type of reaction is negative, and is rooted in fear and ignorance. Fear and ignorance stagnate minds and isolate people, which only hinders our humanity's evolution.
I believe we're capable of something better than fear and ignorance.
On this spiritual journey, I'm striving to be a well-rounded and welcoming spirit and I do my best to try to stick to that philosophy 24/7. I do this because I want to be a better person and also so I don't shut myself out from opportunities; personal experiences and business/career standpoints. I will admit that it's tough not to judge people who approach me, and I have to remind myself throughout the day not to give in to the cycle of negativity and react to someone negatively, especially when they treat me poorly.
I confess, last Sunday, when my boss asked me to make extra coffee base for frappuccinos an hour before we closed, I took a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh. Then I slowly opened the cabinet where we keep the powdered mix and took my time measuring out the water for the base. Moving at a glacial pace was my private protest against having to serve the soon-to-be masses of people who would be in our store the next day, demanding tasty, icy beverages. Before I even had time to take another heavy sigh, a group of customers came walking into our store.
I stopped stirring and started talking.
"Hi! What can I get started for you today?" I asked the first man who approached the counter.In the course of the 60 seconds I had my back turned, pouring the man's coffee, T-minus 1 hour from home became T-minus 2 hours, as I was greeted with a line of people waiting at my register. The people appeared to be sweaty, and I just knew that the extra coffee base I was making for frappuccinos was about to be gone. I relished in some comedy relief by impersonating Charlie Brown, as I thought to myself, "Rats."
"Can I get a large coffee?" he asked, politely.
"Sure! Can I get you anything else?" I asked him as I grabbed the large paper cup and turned around to pour the coffee.
"Nope that's all. But I'm sure you'll see me in here everyday for the next week," he replied.
I still had my back turned, pouring coffee as I asked, "Oh, are you here for the convention?"
"Sure am!", he replied back, matter-of-factly.
I smiled at the man, "Your total comes to $2.01."Even with my tip jar +1, I wasn't thrilled about the idea of having to make drinks for the next hour. We were an hour away from closing, and I was looking forward to going home shortly after we locked the doors. Despite the fact, I did my best not to take it out on the customers. After all, it was hot outside. Who wouldn't want a tasty, icy drink right now? I couldn't blame them for wanting to rehydrate and recharge.
"Thank you!" and he handed me exact change, then left me a dollar tip in my tip jar, and walked away.
I put the exact change in the register, "Thank you and have a nice day sir!"
"You too!" he replied from a distance.
I smiled at the blonde haired woman now standing at my register and asked her jubilantly, "What can I get started for you today, ma'am?"Good energy promotes good energy.
"A mocha frappuccino", she replied.
"What size would you like?" I asked, oozing politeness and good vibes.
"Medium...I mean, grande," the woman said, slightly embarrassed that Starbucks was not her first language.
"Okay, can I get you anything else ma'am?" I asked, and I smiled again to reassure her that I wasn't going to judge her based on our language barrier.
"That's it", and she gave me a smile in return.
"So are you here for the convention?" I inquired as I began to pump the correct amount of coffee pumps into the cup.After carefully adding all of the ingredients into the blender, I turned the blender on and walked back to the register to begin totaling her ticket.
"I am", she said, happy that I had asked her about it.
"That' cool", I said, "So, I've never seen or heard of a convention like this before. What exactly is it?" I asked, now curious to know what all the fuss was about.
"Well it's like an intensive bible study where Christians from all over the world come together to listen to different speakers talk about the word and the love of God."
"I heard Randy Travis was supposed to be there", I responded. I wasn't being facetious though, I truly did hear that rumor from my boss.
"That's what everyone is saying but I don't know that anything is confirmed", she responded.
"Your total comes up to $3.56" I said.I began to think about my surrogate dad, and how long it had been since I saw him last. Completely out of character, I asked the woman, "Do you know where I can get a schedule for the convention?"
She handed me a five dollar bill and said, "Kenneth is such a great speaker, and Jesse Duplantis...He's from Louisiana, he's really funny."
"Louisiana? What part of Louisiana?" I asked her as I was handing her back her change.
"New Orleans", she replied, and she dropped the coin change in my tip jar.
"I have family in Louisiana" I told her, "My dad...well my surrogate dad, he lives in Louisiana. I really miss him."
"Sure! Would you like to come?!" she asked me, excitedly.I decided to go to the convention because I thought it would be an interesting experience. I had never been to an evangelical event. At the very least, I knew it would help with my writing because I would be experiencing something out of my ordinary. I also wanted to get some information for my surrogate father, since he is very strong in his recently renewed Christian faith, and I want to support him in his faith, no matter what. Even though I didn't necessarily agree with the beliefs being taught, I couldn't see where it would be wrong for me to go to the convention. It was a win-win all around.
"I think I will", I replied.
"I have a schedule in my room upstairs, I'll bring it down for you!" the woman offered.
"Really? That's really nice of you! Thank you so much!" I told her.
"You're welcome" she added, and she walked away.
So I went to the convention, and thanks to the man first man who came into the store that Sunday, I got VIP seating on the floor of the convention. They were right, Mr. Jesse Duplantis was funny, and I could see where he made his sermons entertaining and casual, so people could understand his interpretation upon his faith and belief in God. The entire week of the convention, work was good, and the people took care of all of our baristas, making sure to acknowledge when we made drinks well and tipping us. Not once, did any of the people from the convention press their beliefs on me nor did they treat me rudely. This was even after I confessed to them that post 2009, I wasn't sure where I stood in my faith about anything except for my own life and humanity. The week flew by, and each person I made a connection with came by the store to say good-bye and some gave me their business cards with the hugs. It was awesome giving out hugs at work. What can I say? You can't blame me, I'm a hugger.
The Sunday everyone departed, I looked at our empty store and began to miss the mass of good energy.
I took a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh. Just as I did, a tiny woman walked into the store with a huge smile on her face. I couldn't help but mirror her action, and I smiled back. As I made her drink, we talked, and she informed me that she was from Australia. She inspired me with her devotion to her faith, traveling that far to come to the convention. She began to ask me about my life, and I gave her the synopsis. She told me that I inspired her, and she asked me if she could pray for me and I obliged. So right there at the register, she held my hand and asked God to guide me on my spiritual journey and she said that I was going to lift people up through my writing.
It was the nicest thing a complete stranger has ever done for me, in my entire life.
So have my faiths and beliefs been changed since this experience? Yes and no. I still don't believe I'm a Christian and I still believe I have a lot of learning to do when it comes to spirituality and faith. I'm proud of myself for opening up to the idea of Christianity because even though I didn't leave the experience sharing the exact same beliefs of those I met, I still came into contact with amazing people that touched and impacted my life. Instead of fearing them and ignoring them I tried a different approach and immersed myself in their energy. I also picked up the literature I intended to get for my surrogate father. Hopefully, once he gets the books in the mail, he'll be happy learning more about his faith, and he can connect with the ministry. Mission accomplished.
I believe we're capable of something better than fear and ignorance.
That's pretty much the foundation of my personal faith.
That's pretty much the foundation of my personal faith.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
"I think I might be in love. Like the lasting kind of love."
RANDALL: What's this romanticism I see VIA fb post?
LIZ: I think I might be in love. Like the lasting kind of love.
RANDALL: Who's the dude?
LIZ: His name is Ryan Roberts.
RANDALL: I don't believe in love anymore. I date chicks and that's it.
LIZ: How could you not believe in love? It's all around you every day.
RANDALL: It is all around me, I just don't feel it myself these days.
LIZ: Why don't you feel it?
RANDALL: Not sure. Like I've gone out with this girl I met, totally gorgeous, totally fun, but I just don't feel anything. And it's like that with others too.
LIZ: You just haven't met that girl yet, that's all. You don't have to fall in love with every girl you date, but chances are you'll meet that girl at some point and you'll grow to love her.
RANDALL: I'll stick to fucking.
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5 minutes pass
RANDALL: I guess that was kind of a rude thing to say.Before I go any further, I'd like to state for the record that Mr. Randall Hall is NOT a misogynist. I can say that with confidence because he's my ex-boyfriend turned amazing friend. Though I haven't seen him since we broke up in 2002, we still maintain a friendship based on mutual respect and a common infatuation with art. Neither of us can remember exactly why it was we broke up nearly ten years ago. The part that I do remember was crying myself to sleep for months after he moved to Florida, immediately after we were over. He moved on quicker than I ever imagined and while he was happy without me, finding out what life was all about, I stayed in Oklahoma, locked in my dorm room, listening to emo punk rock. For months I wished on a daily basis that he would change his mind and move back to Oklahoma. Obviously he didn't, and back then, I was sure I would never love again, EVER.
LIZ: It wasn't rude. It sounded misogynistic.
Boy, was I was wrong.
AJ came along next, with his body piercings, hardcore metal music, drugs I could never pronounce the name of, and bleach white spiky hair. Needless to say it was love at first sight. AJ proposed to me [twice] within six months and I accepted, [twice]. We had one beautiful child who we named Adam. However, due to AJ's love for overseas pharmacies and international commerce, I filed for divorce in 2006. Again, I had that feeling of never being capable to love someone, EVER. Instead of crying this time, I began to panic. It was overwhelming becoming a single mother overnight, and each day my anger toward him for choosing his addictions over Adam and I made me want to punch him in the face. Especially every time I had to see him in court. It wasn't just him I was angry with though, I was also angry with myself for marrying him. AJ and I had absolutely nothing in common except an extreme physical attrition to each other. Regardless, I was hurt and embarrassed about being someone's ex-wife at 23. The sting of failure allowed me to rationalize locking myself up in my house. The only person I wanted to be around was my then BFF, Traci.
Thankfully, Traci wasn't domesticated in any way, shape or form. She helped me pick myself up off the ground, dusted my shoulders off, and I started making new friends.
In Spring 2007, I found myself spending most of my time talking to a boy who offered to carry my jacket around so it didn't get lost at house party we were both at . His name was Davin. We stayed up at his house all night, talking. Dim light began to fill up his living room as the sun rose that morning. His cold blue eyes looked gorgeous against the slate grey colored setting. I could smell the freshness of spring rain in the air and I noticed the window was slightly open. We were on the couch when he leaned into my ear and he whispered, "I'm going to kiss you now." It was love all over again times a trillion. Being with Davin was like dating my best friend because we had everything in common. We wrote stories together, painted, listened to 2pac, and made out every chance we got.
Our time was put on hold when he moved to Louisiana six months after we met. In the name of love and utter stupidity, we continued a long distance relationship and talked on the phone every single day we were apart, for hours at a time. We also visited each other as much as possible. I loved visiting his family as we road-tripped throughout the south, and both his mother and father fell in love me because they saw how much I truly loved their son.
By the time Summer 2008 came, we were still living 300+ miles apart. On my personal home front in Oklahoma, I was stressed financially and Davin couldn't understand because he wasn't there to see it. We broke up that summer because of jealousy, distance and insecurity. We didn't speak for a month, but eventually our cold war ended in Fall 2008 when Davin and I got back together. I was sure that we had finally made a commitment to be a real couple when we decided to move in together in March 2009.
It was blissful for the first six hours.
Then the jealousies returned, despite the fact that we were together 24/7. Within six months we were broken up for good, parting ways in August 2009. It wasn't just the fact that we were insecure with ourselves and each other, but we both lost our fathers, back-to-back, that year. The enormous amount of grief and stress that bitch-slapped us in the face, on top of adjusting to a new life together as a family was something neither he or I was prepared to cope with.
I did more than just cry over the loss of Davin. He was my life. When he left me, it felt like I was stabbed with a jagged machete through the core of my entire being; physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I didn't survive the loss of that love. Instead, I died and recycled my time on this earth by starting an entirely new life.
The winter months of 2009 weren't so cold when I met Jeremy, the lawyer/DJ/chocolatier. I experienced more with Jeremy in the three months we were together than I did with any of my previous suitors. He treated me like a princess. This was something I'd never experienced in my entire life. He was the perfect gentlemen; tall, dark, and charming. Because he had been married before, he understood the shittiness of divorce. My heart melted when he asked me to meet his parents at a radio station NYE party where he was co-DJing with his dad. Jeremy also taught me how to shoot guns and held my hand steady as I nervously aimed and shot my first one, a mini-assault rifle. The same day, oddly enough, we ended up at an exotic animal zoo because he wanted me to see the baby tigers and ligers. That's Jeremy; random, strong and sensitive, all at once.
We connected on every level except in reality. My life had literally fallen apart and his life was so incredibly intact. I was jealous of his successful lifestyle and laid back attitude. Everything worked out for him, always.This was not my case, and though Jeremy was a lawyer, he couldn't argue my statement about how different our lives were. Sometimes things just don't work out. In mid January 2010 I moved to Texas and said goodbye to Jeremy.
I'm not sure who broke whose heart this time, but I'm leaning toward a tie.
It's funny, the saying, "Sometimes things just don't work out." That statement is never true because every action, no matter how tiny or grand it may be, affects the outcome of a reaction. This is basic chemistry. Sometimes things explode, or you get what you want, and sometimes the product you were hoping to produce becomes something new due to a slight alteration in your formula; a slight alteration in your plans. So either way, something worked out. (Right Brando? =)
Once I got to Texas I had time to be alone and truly began to rebuild myself. Since I've been here, I've explored all over the metroplex; by bus, by car, and my personal favorite, trainhopping. Each place I go, I discover random parts of culture, style, attitude, and art. I've taken these spare parts, kept the ones I liked, and tweaked them to add to the rebuilding of my life. I've also done some intensive soul searching, going back in time and I have allowed myself to honestly explore all the parts of my past; good, bad, and ugly. I did this because I wanted an answer to my death; an answer as to why I had been crushed over and over, then demolished. I studied all of my behaviors, my previous relationships with people, particularly my relationship with my parents and the mile long road of failed romances. The information I gathered from this study was outrageous.
I finally understand why I spent so much time chasing after people who didn't want to be with me It was a cycle taught to me by my parents. Since the dawn of time, (which for me, was around 1983 C.E.), my parents spent their entire lives chasing each other, falling in love, then fighting, then running; Repeat. I don't know where my parents learned that cliche way of life, but they dragged me and my brothers on their endless, tag-you're-it lifestyle, even after we moved out of their home. It wasn't until my father's passing last year that I realized running from and chasing someone forever was not a mandatory or healthy way to live. I didn't have to be with someone if I wasn't content in a relationship with them and vice-versa. The possibility to a happy ending in my life was now visible in my heart's sight.
The tragic part of this realization is that I was only able to find the answer through my father's death. I would have never fathomed the idea to question our family's way of living if he was still alive today. I can tell you exactly what I would be doing if were alive now. I'd be chasing him because he was on a drinking binge and no one had heard from or seen him in days, or because I missed him and just wanted to visit him, or to
deliver a message to him from my mother. I know it's unhealthy to say this, but I would gladly give up all of the knowledge I've learned the past year, which I believe is worth more than all the love in the world, to spend even one more day with my dad. He is the only person I'll ever know whose soul resounded just like my own.
Unless you've ever been a daughter to a father, you have no idea what I'm talking about.
The voids I felt from 2009 became replaced in 2010 with rededicating myself to my art, finding ways to bridge my dreams and reality, and my determination to live by way of the, "I do what I want", formula. I almost hate to say this because I don't want to jinx it, but so far, the results I've seen from living this way have given me nothing but positive results. These positive results aren't just work and career oriented, but somewhere along the way I was lucky enough to run into Ryan at the end of March 2010. Truthfully, our friendship began on a work basis, as he was searching for content writers for a project he was working on. Had he never approached me under those terms, I probably would not have gone with him to the Granada Theater in Dallas on April 9, 2010.
Since that day, my life hasn't been the same.
The months that followed after our first meeting have been incredible. I never imagined I would meet some one who is as everything as Ryan is all the time. He's positive, stable, handsome, energetic, real, creative, hilarious and ridiculous. Even when we're not in the same room together, all I have to do is think of his smile and I gush and giggle like a school girl. Every day with him is exciting, like a new adventure, and it's not just me that's he's fallen in love with, but my family too. I feel the same way about his family. They have accepted Adam and me into their lives with open arms and made us feel like family from the first day we met them.
RYAN: I think me and Patrick are gonna go to Top Golf today.It was in that moment, which happened in the car last Sunday, that I realized I truly was in love with Ryan. He couldn't see the tears in my eyes because I was wearing a pair of enormous fashion sunglasses. I'm actually kind of glad he didn't because he would've thought I was crazy, I'm sure. The tears that I cried weren't coming from heartbreak. For the first time in my life I felt like someone actually loved me.
LIZ: What's Top Golf?
RYAN: It's this place in Dallas, an indoor driving range. They have Targets in there too.
LIZ: Marry me Ryan.
RYAN: (laughs) Okay.
LIZ: I don't mean that literally, like I want to go get married today. I've just never been this happy to be with someone and shared my life with someone like you. You love all the parts of my life, including my family, and you have no idea how much that means to me. I never thought in my life I could feel like this. I want to spend every day with you now and I don't ever want this to stop.
RYAN: I feel the same way.
I think I might me in love. Like the lasting kind of love.
Haven't had a [good] dream
in a long time
See the life I've had
can make a good man bad
So for once in my life
please, please, please
let me get what I want
Lord knows it would be the first time.
-- Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want/ The Smiths
in a long time
See the life I've had
can make a good man bad
So for once in my life
please, please, please
let me get what I want
Lord knows it would be the first time.
-- Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want/ The Smiths
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