The force was Adam <3.
He was still asleep as he pushed his tiny fat feet against my body. I rolled over on my side to give him some more room to move in bed. The moonlight coming through the muslin curtains that cover our bedroom window cast enough light so that I could see just the outline of his silhouette. I stared at him quietly and got lost in a flashback from years before, when his dad, AJ, and I separated.
Adam was barely two years old in 2006 when, just a few months before we parted ways, AJ and I finally got him to sleep in a toddler bed in his own bedroom. When AJ moved out, all of the hard work we put into helping Adam learn to put himself to sleep went out the window and it didn't take long for Adam to find his way back into bed with me. I didn't object because I was still adjusting to not sleeping next AJ, so having Adam next to me was comforting. This was despite the fact that he was a bed hog and insisted on sleeping right behind me, alternating with attempts to push me out of the bed, every night.
It's been like that ever since 2006. I never got Adam adjusted to sleeping on his own again.
My mother was also a constant at-my-side, after my divorce from AJ became final in 2007. Adam and I moved in with her and she began helping me care for him as I searched my soul to find the strength to get past the depression and anxiety that overtakes a suddenly divorced, 23 year old, single mother.She insisted on trying to offer me comfort in the only way she knew how, which was through a series of ego stroking phrases like, "You're so much better than him! You're much better off without that loser!". Those phrases I clung to and started to believe in enticed me to allow my anger and ego to over-inflate. Then days later she would burst my bubbling new confidence through relentless hours of twisted, tough love talk; "You're not a good mother! You can't do this on your own!" This became a cycle that continued for the rest of the time I lived with her. It was confusing, heartbreaking, and frustrating.
With Adam pushing on me all night, along with riding my mother's behavioral/mood rollercoaster death rides all day, I wasn't sure who to point fingers at as to the reason I wasn't sleeping or eating anymore. Truthfully it wasn't either of them that caused the stress that began to consume my life.
It was just life.
Not even so much life, but it was me, and my disdain for the direction my life had turned. I didn't want to be 23 years old, divorced,and forced to take care of so much responsibility on my own. I didn't want to be with AJ anymore either. I was convinced that no one would ever want to be with me again because now I was tainted with a fly-by-night, unholy, matrimony that took a nose dive crash into the surface of rock hard earth. I was so disconnected with reality at that point, I wasn't sure if I survived the humiliation of my divorce crash. Top that with the not sleeping and not eating, and I may as well have been dead. I looked like a zombie that wandered off the set of Night of The Living Dead. My (so-called) friends back then made no secret to gossip about my current D.O.A status to anyone who would listen.
I remember reading online once; I was being labeled as a terrible parent according to my, "friends". The line that stands out mostly from that terrorist attack on my motherhood was, "Be thankful for your sun! He's the only one you got!" I remember being torn between humor and betrayal; laughing at the misspelling of what should have been the word, "son", and fighting back tears because my son was and always will be the one subject that NO ONE is allowed to speak ill upon.
So my husband jumped ship on me and the people I called, "friends" did the same. Luckily, I managed to weather the high seas of drama. The image of a better life and my faith that the high tide of negativity in my life would eventually subside helped me get through all of the loss. And Adam. I wanted to get my life back so I could be there for him and make his life better.
I reached shoreline in 2008 and thought the worst was over. But instead of being stranded on an awesome island like Gilligan's, I found myself stranded on an island that was littered with more poor choices I made, along with my family's fate of experiencing death, three-fold, in 2009. 2009 made 2006 and 2007 seem like child play's in the realm of tragedy and disappointment. Again, I pressed on, and though 2009 was literally like living hell on earth, I learned how to be stronger because of what I had already lived through. I bounced back faster than I ever had before.
After escaping the living hell on earth, I resurfaced in 2010 on a new island known as, "Texas". Life in Texas is far from perfect but I can definitely say that it's on the up-and-up these days. It takes a lot of living in order to learn, and I know that from experience. It's taken this much time and this much bullshit for me to realize that I was the reason for much of the strife in my life. Since January 1, 2010, I vowed never to let myself become a willing part of the cycle of negativity.
All of these flashbacks took just a few seconds to play out in my memory as I woke up on this morning. Adam brought me back to present day, in bed, when he raised his hands up and traced his little fingers over the outline of my face; touching my eyelids, my nose, and over my fuller parts of my lips. He giggled and smiled, though still sleeping soundly. I felt truly lucky to have lived through the past few years to be here now, awake, to feel Adam's warm feet and hands touching me.
My memory suddenly flashed back to my dad. I wondered if he ever had moments like these with me. Moments that he kept safe, close to him in his heart, in his memory for all of his life. I wished he could have been there waking up to see Adam and to share that moment with us, but it was a moment meant only for Adam and me.
It dawned on me as the sun began to slowly rise, that I stayed awake just to watch Adam sleep. I laid next to him, on my side, completely still, and watched him as he shyly smiled, eyes closed, dreaming freely and happily. I leaned in carefully and smelled his hair. The sun rose and promised us this time together, even if was only for that moment. I saw more than just my child sleeping. I saw our past, our present, and our future, in all of it's entirety. It was the moment I survived my entire life to experience.
It was the waking dream I was born to see.
If you were here
I know that you would
Truly be amazed
At what's become of what you made
If you were here
You would know how I treasured every day
How every single word you spoke
Echoes in me like a memory of hope
My memory suddenly flashed back to my dad. I wondered if he ever had moments like these with me. Moments that he kept safe, close to him in his heart, in his memory for all of his life. I wished he could have been there waking up to see Adam and to share that moment with us, but it was a moment meant only for Adam and me.
It dawned on me as the sun began to slowly rise, that I stayed awake just to watch Adam sleep. I laid next to him, on my side, completely still, and watched him as he shyly smiled, eyes closed, dreaming freely and happily. I leaned in carefully and smelled his hair. The sun rose and promised us this time together, even if was only for that moment. I saw more than just my child sleeping. I saw our past, our present, and our future, in all of it's entirety. It was the moment I survived my entire life to experience.
It was the waking dream I was born to see.
If you were here
I know that you would
Truly be amazed
At what's become of what you made
If you were here
You would know how I treasured every day
How every single word you spoke
Echoes in me like a memory of hope
Now that I'm here
I hear you
And wonder if maybe you can hear yourself
Ringing in me
Now that you're somewhere else
Because I hear your strange music
Gentle and true
Singing inside me
With the best parts of you
I hope somewhere you hear them too
Now that I'm here
I love you
I miss you but it's okay
You can go now.
-- If You Were Here/POE
I hear you
And wonder if maybe you can hear yourself
Ringing in me
Now that you're somewhere else
Because I hear your strange music
Gentle and true
Singing inside me
With the best parts of you
I hope somewhere you hear them too
Now that I'm here
I love you
I miss you but it's okay
You can go now.
-- If You Were Here/POE
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