Silk crepe girl.

Silk crepe girl

Silk crepe girl, tattered, becoming torn.
Fucked on the floorboard of a double cab
2009 Dodge truck
like a clip from some internet porn.

She’s begging, “I have to go, I have to move.”
The want is there, motivation forced to remain still.
 

Capability transforms into her worst nightmare.  
Capability becomes her greatest fear.

Mouth duct taped shut,
Silk crepe girl, unable to make a sound,
Every single limb tied-up, tied sideways, and tied down.

Far from romantic or any familiar side of town.
Funny, but no one hears the ripping sounds of silk
in this countryside, free-for-all, hell.

Free-for-all except silk crepe girl,
after long hours of tit-and-no-chatter
she returns to a house that isn’t a home.
No rest for the wicked,
No rest for the fragile, made of silk crepe girl.

People don't acknowledge, but everyone sees
silk crepe girl hidden behind a painted veil
of loose powder, pale pink lip gloss
and midnight black, out-lined eyes.

These man-made products never biodegrade,
they allude to some purchasable, false advertised,
immortal kind of fate.
Serving as a sealant to patch up the tears in silk crepe girl’s face.
The products double in their use and help upkeep
worker robots that (funny), only know how to wave.

Incapability transforms into her worst nightmare.
Incapability becomes her greatest fear.

Misshapen, molded, silk crepe girl
with no definite boundaries,
now in training to become a robotic whore.
Everyday to be pummeled over,
forced down, ripped apart.

Hoping for an escape or a brand new start.

                        Silk crepe girl,
                        do whatever it takes to avoid becoming a robotic whore.                      

                        Do whatever it takes to stay out of the bed, tied up,
                        duct taped mouth shut, in the back of an F-150 Ford.

                        Praying for an escape or a brand new start.

                       

Well here it is, like overly dramatic truth.

Sooo....

I wrote this beautiful blog on the train earlier. It was close to being finished, and I planned to post it tonight. Nope. Never happened. It took exactly 30 seconds from the time I stepped foot onto the red dirt of Oklahoma for something stupid to wreck my train of thought. It started with my cell phone (big shock). Since it had a great signal off the train, it began rattling in my pocket. I ignored it because I just knew it would be bullshit and I wanted to be as pure as possible in my heart so I could share the magical moment of being reunited with my Adam.

In his truest, grandiose Libra fashion, Adam spotted me from across the parking lot, opened his arms wide, and came running into my mirrored, needy/dramatic, Cancer/Leo stance, for an embrace worthy of prime time TV. Don't believe me? Just ask Brandi. She was there. She saw it all go down.

After the theatrical hug, we got into the car and I waited until Adam's inevitable pass-out before I checked my phone. Sure enough, it was something I wasn't in the mood to deal with tonight. It was a text from Oklahoma Ryan. (Not to be confused with Ryan Roberts <3, who lives in Texas.)


OKLAHOMA RYAN: Its crazy that we used to talk all the time and now we never talk at all.

LIZ: It's not crazy. It was you.


Last week Oklahoma Ryan got mad at me because I didn't return his texts at 4am. Let it be known, unless I'm burning the 4am oil, I will NOT text or call you back. I don't care who you are. Unless someone is DEAD or DYING, there's no reason a text or call must be promptly returned. ESPECIALLY at 4am.

In the midst of returning Oklahoma Ryan's barrage of text messages, I accidentally sent one of the texts to Ryan Roberts. Yay! Now he's going to wake up first thing in the morning and see the text. I'm sure he'll return it with a, "WTF are you talking about?" Scenarios like tonight are part of the reason I loathe coming back to Oklahoma. However, Ryan Roberts did say when the moment struck, I should get these raw emotions and experiences out, and into words.

Well here it is, like overly dramatic truth.

It's my fault. I should have ignored the texts altogether because I think the entire situation is ridiculous and a complete waste of time. I wanted to be a good friend and listen to Oklahoma Ryan's reasons for being upset with me last weekend, but I'm just not in the mood for it. Not tonight, and after this, I don't know if I want to reconcile the friendship at all. Its starting to feel like its more trouble than what its worth, which is never a good sign. So bring on the anesthetics! I'm ready to pass out and forget this unnecessarity.
(Yes, I realize that's not a word. I just made it up.)

Maybe Adam was onto something with his immediate slumber?

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know.
--Phoenix/If I Ever Feel Better

Trippin' at the gates of Oklahoma.

LIZ: I should probably tell you that I'm not your average girl. If I can help it, I'll try to deal with stress and emotions alone. It's not that I don't trust you, I'm just trying to learn how to be stronger.

RYAN: I wouldn't come to that conclusion if you didn't talk about stress. Communication is important and I think I'm a good listener. I'm all about some Liz so quit trippin' girl, I got you!

~

Here it is, another eve before I make the journey back to Oklahoma. If you know me at all, you know I will probably sleep zero amount of hours tonight.

The night before I leave always feels like anticipating surgery. I lay down on the hospital bed. At first it feels okay because I think, "I'm in a hospital. That's safe, right?" That is, until I remember the required anesthetics that have to be administered, pre-op, and I hate needles. I stare at the ceiling and watch it begin to spin, which forces me to close my eyes. As I'm passing out, I pray I wake up from the drugs. Next is the surgery, which I only recall bits and pieces of. When I wake up from the anesthetics, post-op, I find myself achy, sore, and questioning if the entire process was truly necessary; "Do I feel any better... or worse?"

The answer is almost always the latter. Adam is the only exception to that. There are several million trillion reasons I feel this way that include my father's passing, all of 2009, my former life, DEATH, the weather...

But I won't bore you with all of that. At least not tonight. I just need to take a deep breath and prepare for surgery.

Again.

I was waiting on a moment
But the moment never came
All the billion other moments
Were just slipping all away
I must have been tripping
Just ego tripping

--the FLIPs/Ego Tripping
at the Gates of Hell

8am is not prime time for multitasking.

It was around 8:00 o'clock this morning when I made myself get out of bed. I walked into the kitchen and began making coffee and oatmeal. I was multitasking and placed both the cup and bowl on the kitchen counter. First, I poured the coffee, then I grabbed the almonds out of the pantry...Plunk! Plunk! Plunk! I stared at it for a minute, still not fully awake, and wondered why my coffee just splashed at me.

8am is not prime time for multitasking.

Sometimes I think I've lost the ability to relax. I could take an easy day that consisted of me working from home, outside on my balcony on a sunny day. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad trait. I just feel like I've wasted too much time doing so many things I didn't want to do in my life. Now that I'm finally doing the things I want to do, I want to do them all at once.

What is the definition of relaxing anyway? I think its defined differently by each individual. When I envision myself working from home, outside on my balcony, on the perfect day, that's relaxing to me. Joe Blow or Jill Smith might not agree with me though. I suppose relaxing is kind of like making coffee. Everyone has a unique, specific preference.

Usually though, I don't take mine with almonds.

Dearest Disgusting Old Man,

Just wanted to say thank you for cutting my routine short today, as you followed me for 30 minutes while I was jogging. The HUGE ego boost you gave me for treating me like a hooker and waiting for me under the overpass was EXACTLY what I needed to start my day off right! I LOVE intense cardio, and nothing makes me run faster than the fear of being abducted, raped, and/or killed.

Your efforts don't go unnoticed and they're greatly appreciated. Thanks again!

<3, 

Liz 

Save my soul from all these troubled times
And all the drugs
That I don't have the guts to take
To soothe my mind
I'm always sober, always aching
Always heading towards mass suicide

--NMH/Song Against Sex

"If you think that's crazy, you should hear our conversations in the car." [pics from 4.23.10 @ Reno's Chop Shop in Deep Ellum w/ EG and TT]

30 minutes at the Kimbell [A pictorial]

 

 

"The house isn't really a home without the family in it."

Ryan came over yesterday night before he headed out to Tulsa. I skipped into the living room to tell Joey that he planned to stop by. My little brother made fun of my girlie-ness about the situation then explained, "Don't forget, when he gets here you need to offer him a seat. Then you offer him something to drink." I looked at him strangely because of his sudden seriousness.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because that's what a good hostess is supposed to do," he ensured me.

Start running the banner down.
Drop past the color, come up through the summer rain.
Start turning the girl into the ground. Roll a new love over.

It was odd receiving that type of advice from my little brother and I suddenly started to miss my mom and dad in the middle of my happy girl parade. People sometimes say things like, "I would do ANYTHING for--."

I would do ANYTHING for both my mother and father to be here,
to share the happiness my brothers and I are living in today.

Early this morning my mother began sending me an assortment of random text messages. She never directly states if/when something is on her mind so I always know if I hear from her more than once a day, (if at all, honestly), something is bothering her. However, I don't know why she chose to text me considering she, "doesn't particularly like me." I definitely didn't mind listening to her, but I was anxious the entire time, wondering where the conversation would end up. I continued to exchange unrelated to the point, messages with her.

In the middle of our conversation she abruptly informed me, "You know if I walk away from this house we lose it. We won't really have a home to fall back on..."

"The house isn't really a home without the family in it," I replied. "But we always have a home when we have each other."

"Guess I should start packing," she said.

~

Big day tomorrow. Work @ Starbucks, then a show in Deep Ellum tomorrow night at Reno's Chop Shop with Tonight, Tonight! and Escaping Gravity. It's the last show for awhile so I'm sure it will be full of debauchery. 

Start threading a needle.
Brush past the shuttle that slides through the cold room.
Start turning the wool across the wire. Roll a new life over.

Here's to all the pretty words that we will never speak.

Our world is dreadfully dependent upon Communications Electronica. Knowing this, we should have expected it would let all that power go to its head. Communications Electronica has turned into a sole proprietorship monster, forcing small, private human connections out of business. Apparently it was my turn to be down-sized because I received several disgruntled text messages this week.

Drake Darko: where r u?
Me: arlington

Drake Darko: wat? Y?
Me: bc ryan lives here
Drake Darko: =/ 

Me: ok?

Drake Darko: dont evr talk 2 me again


Mom: Hello??? McFly??? R U there???

Ryan S.[Oklahoma]: Are you there?

Ryan S.[Oklahoma]: Obviously you
must have gotten pretty busy at 4:35am.

It dawned on me today, while sipping a Dirty Chai Latte and listening to Teevee tell me about his upcoming retreat into the wilderness, why all of this was happening. I almost didn't hear him over the sound of my straw slurping up the last part of my ridiculously over-priced drink. He said, "The retreat is a ropes course out in the middle of...east Texas. Anyway, they won't let us bring our phones or laptops or anything. Nothing. Can you imagine?"

Can you imagine?

If the message is sincerely important, its probably best to communicate the message verbally. If nothing else to ensure that the exchange of information is correct. If you call someone and they don't answer, there's a good reason why. These reasons could include the need for sleep to dream, work, busy schedules, spending time with family and friends, and the ill-fated, "I just don't feel like talking at the moment."

I realize in the fast-paced world we reside, there is a need for immediacy. That's why we love text messaging and email. But your urgency may not be matched by the person with whom you're trying to connect. Just because the text message or email is sent no matter what, doesn't mean you've forged a sold connection. That's connection by force, which doesn't garner results. At least not the warmest results.

Please for the love of God, Buddha, Allah, or whatever your faith, don't rely solely on non-verbal words and acronyms to connect yourself to anyone. Sure it's good for the in between. It's like a communication snack. But you can't live on snacks alone. In order to survive, life needs healthy, wholesome connections from all the communication food groups.

If you rely solely upon Communications Electronica, you will find yourself dissatisfied at least several texts in your life.

I'd squeeze a heart through my fingertip
But I type too slow to make expressions stick

In the history of ever.

I never knew you could pack so much into one weekend. It was unforgettable to say the least. The weekend began Friday night at Studio 216 in Granbury, TX with my favorite boys, Tonight Tonight! and Escaping Gravity. The next morning I had disaster training with The Red Cross and the Pink Floyd laser show with Ryan Saturday night. Sunday I worked at Starbucks and ended the weekend that evening with a co-worker I joined for dinner.

After this weekend, and looking back on it today, I realize my life has officially migrated to Texas. There are only three missing ingredients to make this mission accomplished. (Those missing ingredients are Adam, Sasha, and Patriot.) Coming to this realization is slightly scary, but when I just go with it, and I don't spend time analyzing every facet of the discovery, I find that the transition comes naturally.

Truth be told, this is the happiest I've been in the history of ever.

@ Studio 216 w/Tonight,Tonight! & Escaping Gravity

In case you missed it...

Awesome venue + Awesome bands = Awesome night.

   Tonight, Tonight! [ L-R]  Kyle (guitar), David (drums), Jeff (vocals/guitar), Matt (bass)

<3Kyle + Matt = True Love4Life<3

~

Escaping Gravity [L-R]  Blake (guitar), Chris (vocals/guitar), Josh (drums), Andy (bass)

Hear Escaping Gravity @ www.myspace.com/escapinggravityband

and

Tonight, Tonight! @ www.myspace.com/tonighttonightmusic


You can check out the venue, Studio 216, which is a one stop art shop in Granbury, TX.
www.myspace.com/216art

The one about family.

I floated up the stairs on cloud nine last night when I got home from Ryan's. I gracefully stepped down when I reached the open french doors to my bedroom, and the cloud floated away to return to its home in the sky. It was dark, so I turned on a lamp for some immediate light. That's when I spotted two coral colored roses sticking out of an Our Lady of Guadalupe candle holder. Seeing the holder reminded me of a few weeks earlier when our electricity was out. Suddenly I was thankful for the lamp I just turned on.

My mind shifted from the make-shift vase after a moment, and I wondered who would put flowers in my bedroom. The only person who ever did that was my dad. We never had a lot of money, so he would do random little things for me and my mom, usually as a way to say, "I'm sorry", because he was never good with words. Then it dawned on me who left the flowers.

It was my little brother.

I sat down on my bed and started thinking about the conversation I had earlier with Ryan. The one about family. He spent a good thirty minutes naming all of the members of his family. I lost count of how many there were after ten people.

"How about you Liz? What's your family like?" he asked me.

"Well...I told you about Adam...and my mom...and my brothers...That's it", I replied.

Regardless of how big or small my family is, our love is tremendous. Its kept us alive and gotten us this far. I had to forgive my little brother and move on from it. How else could I expect him to move forward if I couldn't do the same? Family is the most important thing to me but in the past few days I certainly wasn't acting like it.

I'm terrible with numbers, but I know one thing for sure. The equation of being here wouldn't make any sense without my little brother.

I sighed and smelled the roses.

Everything has a shelf-life, so enjoy it before its pulled.

My house became an impromptu cabaret as I quickly stripped off my clothes like my life depended on it. In a way my life did depend on it. I just got off work and was severely overheated and light-headed. I'm sure not eating or drinking anything all day then rushing through my closing duties were causing my exhaustion. It was worth it just to get out of the store as fast as possible. The work is mundane and a waste of my time. As much as I would love to, I can't quit the job now because I need the money. That's a pretty miserable feeling if you've ever experienced it.

I hate being at the mercy of currency.

"Water!" I said, and my instincts lead me to the nearest source. I turned on the faucet and lowered my head into the sink. It was crass drinking water straight from the bathroom faucet but I didn't care. After re-hydrating, I turned off the water and leaned over the sink. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and tried to remember, "When was the the last time I felt this crappy after working? When was the last time things felt this desperate? Like sink or swim?"

The bathroom became a stargate and when I opened my eyes, I was standing in front of a different bathroom mirror. I didn't recognize the scene until I looked down and noticed a giant hole in the wall's tile. I had teleported back to the bathroom in my apartment, circa summer '08. I stood there trying to remember that summer. My concentration was broken when I heard Death Cab for Cutie playing from outside the bathroom. There was only one person who insisted upon listening to Death Cab for Cutie the entire summer '08.

If I could open my arms
And span the length of the isle of Manhattan
I'd bring it to where you are
Making a lake of the East River and Hudson

My heart felt connected to the sound, and I pushed open the french doors that separated us. Daniel was sitting on the floor. Somehow he was always able to maneuver smoking and handwriting at the same time. He looked up and saw me standing in the archway, then immediately smiled at me and waved. I smiled back at him. He never missed an optimistic beat and asked me with the utmost sincerity, "Hey love, did you know Ben Gibbard wrote Plans for you?"

"I still haven't listened to that album all the way through yet." I replied. That statement was true back then and it still holds true today.

I walked over to the futon and saw Amanda sitting there, reading the newspaper. "Where are--", but before I could finish asking,  J.Will, Mike, and Jeff answered my question, as they came walking into the apartment through the front door. We all stood together again in that living room moment. J.Will walked toward me and I felt a sense of relief because I knew what he was about to say, "At least you don't have to go back to the crappy job tomorrow." I didn't want to break our transcendental bonds, so I refrained from explaining that I had to go back to work this time. We exchanged hugs, and with my eyes closed, I felt our energies combine through the embrace we shared.

The sudden resurgence of energy banished my exhaustion. I woke up and looked around to find that I had returned to my bathroom in present day 2010. I washed my face and finished changing out of my work clothes. Then I sat down and finally downloaded the album Daniel asked me to listen to two years ago.

Few things in this world last forever. This includes you and me, money, crappy jobs, amazing jobs, bad days, and dog days during the summer of recession '08. When I start feeling overwhelmed, I forget that the amount of happiness and bliss that can exist in a moment can outweigh the total amount of happiness, and unhappiness, over the span of a year.

Everything has a shelf-life, so enjoy it before its pulled.

I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
What a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you

I love the unpredictability of the city.

My brother Patrick came home from work, close to midnight, yesterday. I could hear the sound of the metal steps rattling as he came running up the spiral staircase. "Dude! I just saw AK-47 chasing some dude down the street with a gun!" he blurted out. We both stood quietly, looking at each other for a moment, then interrupted the silence with synchronized laughter. "What the fuck?! Why?" I asked. He said, "I guess these two guys came in and stole beer from his store... You know AK. He's not gonna let someone rip him off like that."

I love the unpredictability of the city.

~

I'm easily sidetracked with the endless amount of events in the DFW area. So when I first heard about the Fort Worth Arts Festival back in January, I planned to go. Those plans were changed this week, due to my sudden employment with Starbucks. I picked a hell of a week to start working too. The coffeehouse, which is located on Main Street, was at the heart of the arts festival. My manager panicked during the flash flood of customers, and threw me to the masses. Within hours of my first day at work, I was calling out, "Skinny venti latte, half caff, w/three Splendas!" from behind the coffee bar like I was veteran barista.

The arts festival hosted 100,000 visitors this weekend. All of whom, loved Starbucks.
Go figure.

Normally, I'd feel like I missed out because I didn't attend the arts festival as I'd planned. But when I was invited to check out a band; A Place to Bury Strangers; at the Granada Theater in Dallas, TX on Friday night; my weekend didn't feel entirely wasted. I also got to know a technical writer/restaurant manager from the Dallas area, who approached me about contributing to a website he is building. His name is Ryan Roberts. It was unreal to find out how much we have in common regarding our career dreams and personally speaking.

Even with all the signs clearly displayed, I don't know where my connection with Ryan is headed. My closet pessimist says it won't go anywhere, minus the destination scenarios in my head. I guard myself in this way, so if nothing comes from it, or if it blows up in my face, I can say, "That's just my luck." There's a chance my assumptions could be correct. I also realized there's half a chance they could be wrong.

I love the unpredictability of the city.

the club was packed, the band was loud
i held my breath as you came near
you seemed to have something to say
i leaned in close so i could hear:
you're so dreamy, you're so sweet,
swept completely off my feet..

Wish me luck on my first day, tomorrow.

Everything regarding the past due rent issue has been resolved. In the meantime, we're trying to figure out WTF to do about catching up from the debt we're in now. I wish that when I said, "we", I meant both of my brothers and me, but the younger brother could care less since we fixed everything. I'm pretty sure my answer as to why he acts like that is in the previous statement.

Tomorrow morning I begin working with Starbucks @ The Hilton in downtown. I'm branching out, networking, and making friends. Starting an entirely new life here, away from everyone I knew in Oklahoma; it was once my greatest fear...

Not so much these days, now.

The earthquake I felt when my little piece of stability shook; followed by the aftershocks of anxiety? Uprooting my life again, due to a disaster out of my control? That deja vu was scarier than any feeling of homesickness I could have imagined..

"You're a strong woman", my friend Brandon told me last week. His statement stood out to me. People have used endearing terms AND hateful terms to describe me. But the word strong? I've never heard that one. It lead me to believe he truly meant what he said. I didn't make a big deal over it, but secretly, I was proud of myself.

Busy, busy weekend ahead with the Ft.Worth Arts Festival downtown. They're expecting 100,000 people to occupy the festival grounds, located on Main Street. Did I mention Starbucks was on Main Street too?

Wish me luck on my first day, tomorrow.

People think I changed just because my appeal has grown.
[Though I'm never actually alone--I just always feel alone.]
While my old friends think I got a new crowd.
And people seem to notice every time I do smile.
I guess that means they come few and far between.
Even though I'm living out what you would call the dream. 

Last night w/ Tonight, Tonight! [in B&W]

Four of the most ridiculously cute, handsome, talented, and charming boys I work with...

Tonight, Tonight! : [L-R] Jeff (vocals/guitar), David (drums), Matt (bass), Kyle (guitar)

Jeff

Liz Sweetly & Kyle

Matt & Liz Sweetly

 

David

 All together now!

Hear Tonight, Tonight! @ http://www.myspace.com/tonighttonightmusic

Where do I begin?

The past two weeks have been stressful. Point blank. The climax of the shittiest day in Texas happened yesterday, close to sundown. I was with my little brother near TCC South Campus, walking around in an open field area. He sat on the ground as our conversation turned into an argument. I'm sure I looked like an escaped mental patient to anyone who may have witnessed the event. I was standing over him; arms flailing all around, crying and screaming for about 30 minutes. I'll admit, I wanted to seriously injure my little brother for not taking care of his responsibilities; nearly causing us to get evicted from our house.

Thankfully no one could hear us so we had our chance to yell it out, come to an understanding, and we buried it in that open field.

We're a family. That's just how it is:  You love, you get on each others nerves, you hash it out, then you forgive. It's an infinite circle. As long as you continue to live by that belief, I believe your love and bonds will last eternally. We rise together and we fall together. As for yesterday, we almost fell on our faces, simultaneously. But just before midnight, my brothers and I discussed different solutions on how to fix the problem, and finally came up with an answer. We rose above the crappy situation, together.

Even with the issue solved, I felt unsettled. The threat of having to move again evoked interesting feelings from me. Particularly, for the rest of the night, I couldn't stop replaying something I said during my meltdown in the field;

I feel more hopeless right now than I can remember feeling last year and this isn't even a big deal!! People DIED last year!!! No one's dead this time!! Why do I feel like this?!?!

Within that hopelessness, I realized I officially have something to start my list of: "What I want". I want a home. When I say that, I don't mean it in a material sense. There are several physical locations I call home. I want to feel home; familiar, comfortable, safe, relaxed... centered. "At home", would probably be a better way of explaining it.

I want to feel at home. 

I have no idea how I'm going to get there, but I have a start.
So that's where I begin.

current: APRIL 2010

current book 
i got nothin' this month


current playlist
1. What It Feels Like for a Girl - Madonna
2. Hoping, Wishing, Waiting - Tonight, Tonight
3.Made in a Day - Jupiter One
4. Tomorrow - Escaping Gravity
5. If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix
6. One Week of Danger - the Virgins
7. West Coast Rocks - the Glitch Mob
8. Best I Ever Had - Drake
9. Dashboard - Modest Mouse
10. All Night Long- Lionel Richie  

current shame-inducing guilty pleasure
texting


current color[s]
pink and this color

current fetish
discovering and sharing new music!


current drink
Riesling Relax<3 



current favorite favorite
everyone on the cast list



current indulgence
buying new music off iTunes



current link  
this place




current triumph
surviving a week without water and electricity
and making the most of it



current bane of my existence
work, work, work, work, work


current celebrity crush
Drake



current movie
Smoke Signals


current excitement 
April 2010 & this summer



current mood
warm

Land of 1,000 texts

I woke up to the following text messages...

The Big Brother: That chick i saw on cnn gettin naked was erykah badu shootin a video in dallas @ dealy plaza where that dude tried to scam us off the jfk assassination 

Ryan Roberts: Have you ever been on the Indian Nation turnpike in OK? There is NOTHING on it. I almost simultaneously ran out of gas and pooped my pants. Let's just say I had to scale some barbed wire, which always sucks...

Yahoo!: Hey SOBERMAN122581 Your password has been changed! 

BEAR: Have u been doing lunges?

I couldn't have asked for a better way to start the weekend.

Expensive Coffee

Earlier this week, on my way to the library, I decided to stop into Starbucks. It was a chipper morning, and the eager, young barista asked, "What can I get you?” For whatever ridiculous reason, I decided to stand there and look at the menu. Why? I don’t know; maybe because I wanted to entertain the idea that I would order something besides my usual mocha latte w/an extra shot of espresso.

"Would you like a suggestion? “, I hear a voice ask. I look up and see a rather tall, lanky, older man dressed in a business suit, standing behind me. He extends his hand out to me, "My name is Dick.” I resist the schoolgirl urge to laugh. I offer him my hand for a handshake, "My name is Liz"; and I smile at him. "Did you just move here?" he asks me. "Yes", I say, and the juvenile side of me takes over and I giggle. "You have a really amazing smile, you should know", he adds.  At this point, my defenses are up slightly. The man has a good 25 years on me.

"Do you ever ride the train?" he asks.
"Yes", I replied.


I was slightly concerned he was there to arrest me because I train hop frequently without paying. I remembered what Jeremy, (the lawyer), once told me; Keep your mouth shut. You don’t have to admit to anything. The man hands me a business card:

Dick Ruddell
Executive President/TRE

“That’s my train”, he says.


I nod my head to let him know I understand what he said, and exercise my right to remain silent. The barista comes back. She’s not so chipper this time and I don’t blame her; “Did you decide what you want?” she asks me.

“A grande mocha latte w/an extra shot of espresso”, I politely answered.
“I’ll have the same”, my new friend said to the barista.

“Are these going on the same order”, she asked.

"No."
"Yes."

“Let me pay for your coffee, Liz”, Mr. Ruddell said.  I stood there, confused, wondering why he wanted to be so generous. “It’s the least I can do for you, sharing that pretty smile and giving me a few minutes of your time today. Not to mention, you gave me a new drink to try.”

“Okay”, I obliged, cautiously.

He gave the barista his credit card. She charged him for the coffee drinks, then handed us our mocha lattes.

“Thank you”, I said.
“You’re more than welcome. My number is on the card. Call my office if you ever need anything.” Then he opened the door, allowing me to exit first.

“It was nice to meet you, Liz.”

“It was nice to meet you too Mr.Ruddell,” and I began my trek to the library. In the back of my mind, I wondered how much he felt I owed him. Suddenly, I felt like I was holding a rather expensive coffee.

The Amazing summer.

It was April 2009.
My (then) boyfriend and I were living together in Oklahoma.We had recently buried my father, and started fighting nearly everyday. This was not only depressing, but extremely embarrassing, considering we had only been living together for a month. Everything started to feel bleak. I continued to push forward with a positive attitude.

"I have a feeling this is going to be an amazing summer", I told him.
Cynical, he asked, "What makes you say that?"
"I can just feel it"; I said.

What I didn't mention was that the premonitions I was having of an amazing summer weren't taking place in Oklahoma. They were all set in TEXAS. I envisioned the smell of firepits at night, drinking six point Miller Lite with my brothers , BBQs with awesome people I hadn't met yet, and freshly cut grass in a backyard for Adam to run through after dark, Sasha and Patriot (my rottie and black lab), chasing Adam as he held tightly onto a 4th of July sparkler. Those were all the things I was seeing.

I didn't see my boyfriend in any of those dreams. And that summer never happened.

Today, it's April 2010.
With the french doors to the balcony wide open, I watched the sun go down on another day. I was thankful for the experience of getting to watch another day end. Our water came back on, but the electricity is still out. I smelled someone cooking out steaks and hamburgers in our neighborhood. I realized that the premonitions I had last year were happening now.

"I have a feeling this is going to be an amazing summer", I said to myself.