Where do I go from here?

"In the end, the answer was so simple it took a week to come up with."
--THE VIRGIN SUICIDES

Thank god the weekend is finally here.

I've been anticipating the end of this week since it started. Mainly because my feelings of grief began resurfacing fully since last Sunday night. I tried to figure out why I felt so terrible, let it go, then felt like shit, then tried to figure it again; repeat. It makes me feel like I'm going insane when I feel down to the core of my entire being, extremely low.

Grief is an overwhelming thing to shoulder and deal with alone. I wouldn't wish the feeling of it upon my worst enemy, not because I don't have any enemies, but because working through grief is single-handedly the HARDEST thing I've ever had do in my life. That's a huge statement because I've dealt with some high-stress situations before this, especially for a 27 year old young woman. From being a single mother of a child with special needs, one marriage, one divorce, and recession. I managed to live through those circumstances without entirely losing it. Even with all of my previous stresses, they couldn't prepare me for the inevitable showdown between myself and the grief I feel from the losses of 2009.

This seems like a ridiculous victory to celebrate, but I am proud of myself for acknowledging what I am feeling. It's driving me mad because I don't understand it fully. I think my routine of picking up and moving on from each of the events that shook my life in 2009 have caused me to run, out of habit now, from everything I face in my life today. This includes running from the mental and emotional aftershock effects from it all and I ask myself frequently; Where do I go from here?

I've come to realize I have to face this grief because it doesn't matter where I run to; Texas, Canada, Australia... the Moon; it will still be with me. Fighting doesn't make sense to me unless it's to survive or to protect. But that doesn't matter because I'm going to have to drag out the fighter within me to face my grief and ride it out. [Unless of course, it rides me out instead].

On a more upbeat note, I was reminded of the kindness and beauty of humanity this week, twice.

My shift manager from work asked me how I was doing and I told her I just felt tired. She could tell there was a little more to the story but she was respectful and didn't force me to tell her the whole situation. Instead, she set my tips next to the register as she left; "Don't forget to count them", she said. I walked over to the register and found a note on my tips.

The note made me smile and I wanted to chase after her to thank her, but  I heard our door chime go off, signaling a customer coming into the store, so I looked up.

LIZ: Hi! Welcome to--Hey! What are you up to?!
RUSS: Just stopping by to check on you. Have you taken your lunch yet?
LIZ: Not yet. Give me a second and I'll go clock out downstairs.
RUSS: Oh hey, I thought you might like this.

RUSS: ...so yeah, my amp-head fried and I gotta buy a new one but it was still a good show. You and Pat missed out. What about you? What's been going on? 
LIZ: I think I've been depressed, dealing with a lot of old feelings from some things. It's been frustrating-- kind of the reason I've been out of the loop as of late. 
RUSS: That's okay. The biggest thing to do is just keep doing what you're doing. Keep working on your memoir and get it finished while you have the drive to... You know, to get it done. And keep yourself busy.
LIZ: Advice taken!
RUSS:  Just so you know, you're not going crazy girl.
LIZ: You know, I've found some solace in the past month from something you once told me.
RUSS: What was that?
LIZ: That paranoia wasn't a dysfunction. That paranoia was actually a heightened sense of awareness.
RUSS: It is. It's just being more aware of what's happening, what's going on around you.
LIZ: Do you ever look for repeating symbols in your life?
RUSS: Oh yeah, all the time. Mainly numbers. Certain sequences of numbers and their patterns.
LIZ: I've been trying to figure out why the infinite symbol keeps popping up in my life everywhere.
RUSS: It means that nothing has an exact start or end.
LIZ: You really think so?
RUSS: I know so.

It's instinctual to be aware of another person's emotions. But it's by our choice whether or not we choose to exercise our ability to empathize and show care for others. There's not much to it and it can be done with or without words.

I was grateful for the two acts of kindness and though I wasn't back to operating at 110%, the small talk and sincere gestures made me feel more connected to my present state of life and where I am today.

Then I found the answer to my daily questionnaire.

Q. Where do I go from here?

A. Nowhere. I don't have to run anymore.