"You are who you are and I know who I am."

It always starts with a small conversation, when suddenly I'm sent into an abyss of deep thought that forces me to explore and evaluate my life and art.

It almost always starts out this innocent; my descent. I'd swim around forever in those darkest, below sea-level depths if I could. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am stuck in those waters, in that mode of thought, and I don't even realize it?

At work last week...
SHELBY: You remind me of this rapper named Cage.
LIZ: Well...I have been listening to a lot of rap lately.

I laughed when Shelby told me this, only because I had no idea what she meant exactly. I imagined myself as a rapper, pondered over various MC names, then giggled some more. She elaborated on her statement and where she failed to explain with her own words, she pulled out her iPhone and introduced me to the lyrical content and sounds from Mr.Cage.

You're always dying inside
That much closer to home
A crowded street corner
Surrounded by people, all alone.
Pain in the heart
Rain in the dark
The wind is glum and bitter.
-- I Never Knew You/CAGE

Yep. It appears that I am, in fact, stuck in that mode of thought. It's not a secret anymore. Not so much because everyone else knows it and sees it, but because I know it now.

I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I thought I wouldn't be permanently changed by the things I've experienced the past two years. It's incredible to have been through the INs and OUTs of life, especially at my age, thoroughly enough to see your happiest dreams, your most feared nightmares, and your reality all mesh together and become one. Suddenly there is no line between fantasy and real life. The walls come down and boundaries cease to exist.

It's at that moment, I believe, anything is possible becomes true.
Beautiful, heavenly things are possible and horrific, hell-on-earth things are possible.

You know it.
And now I know.
So that's everyone that needs to know I suppose.

With this knowledge, I've decided to start embracing the darkest parts of my life and art. No more editing for content or to save face.

You are who you are and I know who I am.

I've been working the past couple of months with Ryan and Patrick, laying out my artistic career goals and mapping out a plan to achieve those goals. It's awesome living and working with two managers who [mostly] understand my life and art.

With their help now, I'm able to freely explore and embrace in complete darkness and almost always, I never get completely lost, forever.