The mind has a mind of its own.

In the recent wake of night terrors and being robbed at work on Monday by a homeless guy, my older brother Patrick sat me down yesterday for a heart-to-heart. More than anything, I think he wanted to figure out what was wrong with me, or at least help me find some direction. But firstly, he helped me interpret the night terrors I've been having lately.

"You're worried you can't save everything and there's no reason you should have to worry about saving anyone, especially me. But I realize that's how you're going to react for awhile. After last year and all.", he said.

"I wish it were that easy, to realize that things were safe now, and everything is okay, but my mind is in a state of PTSD that I can't control. I'm only just now processing half of what's happened to me. I mean, I can tell you how it went down all day long, from start to finish, but I can't tell you how it made me feel, how it affected me. I'm only just now getting into that part myself. I thought the bad luck was all over, but my mind and heart feel differently despite what I tell them to feel." I explained. 

I know it kills him to talk about things like this, but sometimes all it takes is 5 minutes of talking to come to the realization of what I should do next. Even though I'm not fixed, at least I know that the only person in the world I trust knows what's going on with me.

Knowing is half the battle, and the mind has a mind of its own.

You will show up while I'm dreaming
Out of nowhere cross my way
You will ask me not to scream and
You will smile and say
"You're only dreaming you're free."
--K's Choice/ Only Dreaming