"I've been getting in trouble left and right these days, huh?"

"I've been getting in trouble left and right these days, huh?", I said to my boss after she pulled me off of the floor during my shift on Friday afternoon.

I thought the trouble would cease after my boss said, "Don't worry, nothing major. It's just protocol that I have to talk to talk to you about deposit drop safety", but we're talking about me and my life. It wouldn't be normal if something didn't go crazy, [myself included]. So in keeping with tradition, I did in fact, go crazy, though only slightly, this weekend.

As usual, where do I begin?

This time it started with a Saturday BBQ. Sounds harmless, right? Wrong. I didn't know any of the young, single, perfect-bodied, tanned girls at the pool party/BBQ. The only two people I knew were Adam and Ryan. While Ryan reconnected with the Hispanic goddesses, Adam and I sat in the living room and played on the random keyboard near the fireplace for...30 minutes or so. Ryan did the obligatory check on us after taking a brief, goddess break, and offered me some wine. I don't think I could ever recreate how excited I was about the idea of having a drink at that point. He could have offered me some dirty, AIDs ridden heroin needle, and I'm sure I would've stuck it in my arm gladly, before he could finish saying, "You're welcome."

Alcohol opened me up a little more, but my social anxiety continued to hold me underwater like a fat bully. If you've never felt what its like to LOVE people and FEAR them at the same time, you're a lucky individual. I felt that for the first time today. Its the most conflicting need vs. phobia. Well maybe not so much need, but want; Want vs. Phobia. The final feeling is a full and disgusting conclusion, kind of like when you eat way too much food and never want to eat again. You feel sick, nauseated and happy, all at the same time.

Somehow, I managed to fake an, "I don't give a f**k", composure until we left. The ride home, I stared out of the passenger window, feeling defeated, though no one knew of my loss[es]. In the course of my self-loathing, I talked myself into rationalizing a break-up with Ryan.

"He deserves a young, perfect-bodied, tanned, Hispanic goddess. He deserves so much more than I can give. He deserves more than I might ever be capable of giving. I should probably be honest and tell him that ASAP before I waste anymore of his time", I said to myself, and to the light window tint that was layered upon the separation glass between myself and the steamy, fuchsia, Texas sundown sky.

We weren't back home for more than ten minutes before I spilled the beans and told Ryan exactly what I thought during the car ride home. He looked at me like I was crazy. He was right in his visual assumption and I let him know that through my words.

"Ryan, I'm crazy. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I don't know if I'm ever going to get better and I don't want to drag you along on this ride with me. I couldn't even tell you if this ride was on an airplane, train, or in a car." With my "would not, could not"s, for a brief moment, I felt like I was talking in the style of  Dr.Seuss in the book, Green Eggs and Ham. "I sound like Dr. Seuss? Jesus Christ, I must be going crazy!" I thought to myself.

"Well you can't just quit, Liz! What makes you think if you're single you're going to ever work through this, and what about the next guy?!?!", Ryan demanded to know, annoyed and hurt by my words at the same time.

"I'm not saying I'm going to stop seeing you just so I can jump into another relationship!" I interjected during Ryan's spiel, angry with him now.

We talked for about an hour and resolved our issue[s]. Truth be told, I LOVE Ryan, completely. He's been the most positive influence in my life, outside of my brother, Patrick. There is absolutely NO REASON  I should not be able to believe him when he says he wants to be with me. Thankfully he forgave my craziness today. I'm almost sure it was strike ten. Why he hasn't thrown me out of the ball game yet, I'm not certain?

Above and beyond, I just want to feel, "okay", again, and truly mean it when I say it.

With your feet in the air
And your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it
Your head will collapse
When there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind?
   --Where Is My Mind/ the Pixies