Shoreline 3/7

Saturday nite, and where was I? At a club with friends, partying til dawn? Nope. On a date with some really hot guy, talking about philosophy and life over dinner. Wrong again. I was at home, doing laundry, listening to The Beatles, and working on writing samples to send to a publishing company in Dallas. I'm so exciting these days, right?

Earlier, Saturday afternoon, I talked to my friend Bear and told him I was starting to feel like a nerd because I hadn't made friends in the three months since I moved here. "All I do these days is work on my art, make sure I spend time with my family, and on occasion, visit my friends when I'm in Oklahoma", I confessed. "That's good, you're being productive", he responded. "No. It's not", I said; "I should at least attempt to make some connections with people in this area". That's when I began to realize I was slowly becoming like Sydney Prescott from Wes Craven's SCREAM movies; 

SYDNEY: Hey detective, what's your favorite scary movie?
DETECTIVE: (laughs) My life.
SYDNEY: Mine too.


Since August 2009, I've kept myself moving on a mental/spiritual voyage of sorts, sailing in solitude, exploring the seas of my career goals, and my relationship with myself. It was also my belief that by staying in constant motion, I would keep myself out of harm's way.

Psychos can't kill what they can't find.

Cliche as it sounds, its not so much the people I fear I may meet; its me. I fear my own assessment in the character of people and their intentions. I mean, I'm not completely void of human interaction. However, I recognize that I am preventing myself from forming new personal relationship bonds with people by limiting my time with them; particularly, one-on-one interactions. Accepting any invitations to live life outside of my to-do list are not in my best interests, presently. This is what I have convinced myself into believing.

These days, I'm a fighter, which is in response to surviving 2009's terrorist worthy attacks on all of my states; physical, spiritual, mental and emotional. Fighting isn't my true self nature, but I wanted to survive. Now my mind tells me that in order to survive any possible attack in the future, I have to fight, or avoid the potential to be forced into another battle. So to stay true to myself, I've started to avoid conflict at nearly any cost. My want to be vulnerable vs. my need to be vigilant is a double-edged sword that cuts through the core of my entire being, splitting it in two pieces.

I know I need to take some time to anchor and regroup. I need to remember that I am capable of trusting in myself and the decisions I make. If I trust in myself, I can exude that ability. It may not always be reciprocated, but sailing the ocean of life in solitude forever isn't exactly living. You can't live on a boat, forever, right? With that being said, I intend to find shoreline and rejoin the masses of land-lovers very soon. Threats won't ever cease to exist, on land, or in constant sail-at-sea. There will always be pirates you have to watch out for, ready to steal your booty at any moment. [Pun entirely intended.]

I bet even Ferdinand Magellan had to stop and take a breather somewhere on his nautical voyage around the world.