I'm okay with that. pt. III

I did something all by myself.

I didn't plan to do it alone but on that day, roughly three weeks ago; it seemed like a good thing to try. Once it was all said and done, I wasn't sure if I did it right.

What the hell? I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

I could go to jail? Highly unlikely. Then again knowing my luck...

Nearly a month later and I can tell you the good news is, I wasn't arrested. I did it right.

I'm free.

However, the 2,765.00 I planned to get back from my 2010 tax return was not as lucky and unfortunately, it was apprehended by the Oklahoma Student Loan ASSociation. I use the word apprehend but allow me to face the fact: The money went back to OSLA because it belonged to OSLA, not me. I owed them and repaying the debt was the right thing to do.

In the past, after finding out about the financial set back, I would've thrown a Morrissey worthy pity party, complete with razor kits and smeared black eyeliner.  And in all honesty I wanted to cry yesterday morning once I learned why the money hadn’t been deposited into my bank account yet.  I had a feeling some of the money would be intercepted, but I most definitely did NOT anticipate the entire sum to be applied to my loan balance.

This time there was no dramatic celebration. In fact, it’s been nearly 24 hours since the let down and I concluded there are several reasons I haven’t relapsed into my former self destructive behavior.

1.         1. I was in a restaurant eating breakfast when my mother called to deliver the news, [which she read to
          me from a letter I received at her address]. 

2. I wasn’t alone when I found out. I was in the company of a co-worker [now friend]; Chloe.   
3. The moment I felt like crying over the loss of a material object; currency; the feeling of vomit
    forming in my stomach took over everything else. 

When my eyes swelled up with tears, I was confused and embarrassed. Why did the money suddenly matter to me when my life wasn’t depending on it?  I admit, I wanted to buy tickets to the Austin City Limits Festival and I wanted to buy Adam a brand new play set for the backyard but I could still do both of those things. It would just take a little longer now. So why am I so upset? Oh yeah. I realized that my relationship with Ryan depended on the money since I promised to use part of it to take care of our bills so he could get out of Dallas and find a job closer to our home. But without that promise he isn’t leaving Dallas anytime soon.

I don’t want to lose Ryan.

Next was the issue of crying in front of Chloe. That breakfast date was the first time Chloe and I got together outside of work and I didn’t want to bring down the positive energy we were creating over coffee, solid art talk, eggs, and toast. So I refused to let the sadness get to me, at least for the time we were together.  I wanted to continue our good vibes by taking the news in stride.

Choose the cycle of good energy over the negative.

Lastly, the whole crying in public thing is something I haven’t done since ….Never. 

Well, only once.

I can’t remember a time when I ever thought crying in public was a good idea, except for when I was pregnant with Adam.


After going around in circles over these realizations in my mind and through talking with my new friend, I felt the fierceness I had a year ago begin to fill up my soul again . I didn’t realize my braveface had even left me until yesterday, when it returned in the form of a real smile and boisterous laughter as Chloe and I sat on the floor of the dank basement at the Fort Worth Public Library.  

LIZ: …so yeah, that’s the story of Bonnaroo. My boyfriend—well ex now, R-U-N-N-O-F-T’d because of a bad acid trip and he thought everyone was trying to kill him. And before he realized it wasn’t real he called me and threatened to find someone to rape me with a broomstick.

CHLOE: [Laughing profusely] WOW. Just wow. And you stayed with this guy after that?

LIZ: You don’t understand. I LOVED this boy. I just thought he was going through a rough patch. I didn’t realize it was a rough life.

CHLOE: Wow. You’ve lived through some crazy experiences.

LIZ: Indeed. Indeed.

___________________________________

I'm not afraid of Nichols Park
I ride the train and I ride it after dark
                                                                 I'm not afraid to get it right
I turn around and I give it one more try
                                                                I go out to the golden age

                                                                                                            The spirit is right and the spirit doesn't change

_________________________________

I get wound up from time to time in the present so much that I forget just how far I’ve come from the places I’ve been. The weakness I felt once I realized I was going to have to let things happen between me and Ryan, instead of forcing him to be with me, reminded me of the last time I went searching for a boy who I thought was lost in the woods in Tennessee. But he wasn’t lost. Or maybe he was and he wanted to be lost? I don't know? I do know that I didn’t want to run after that boy in the woods but I did because I thought I was in love. And the relationship blew up in my face. I don’t want to lose Ryan but I refuse to chase him. 

I refuse to chase anybody.

I also don’t want a relationship built around a money scheme either. That’s not who I am and unfortunately I don’t plan to change anytime soon.

My name is Liz Sweetly.
Most of my friends either call me Liz or Sweetly.
I don’t like running unless I have to for vanity issues.
I like to write. I love my son, my family, my friends and ART. 
I like talking and listening, and I’m learning how to do the latter better every day.
I’ve seen a lot of life for 27 years old and I can’t wait to see more.

Even if the something more I see is something I do all by myself.

I don’t plan to see it alone but even if I do, I’ll know I did it right. 

I'm free.

                                                                                                                  
Finally; I’m okay with that. 

I don't care what the captain said
I fold it right at the top of my head
I lost my sight and the state packs in
I follow my heart and it leads me right to Jackson.
-- Jacksonville/SUFJAN STEVENS