I'm okay with that. pt.IIII [The one with all the Acceptance]

A few days ago I had a dream.

The dream stood out in my memory long after I woke up because it was an actual dream, it wasn't a nightmare or night terror. The latter is what I usually experience and wake up from violently in the middle of the night. But not a few days ago. No, nooo, this was quite the opposite. The dream didn't wake me up in any manner of hostility. In fact, the dream I had restored my faith in myself, my relationship with my son, my family bonds, and in my ARTwork.

In the dream, I was running toward my house. It was a perfect day. The sun was out and the sky above me was clear and blue. I felt my heart speed up in a good way and my adrenaline was pumping, releasing feel good endorphins into my blood stream. Once I saw Patrick's car and Ryan's car parked out in the driveway, I sped up and darted inside the house and ran up our spiral staircase. I was slightly out of breath but I didn't feel anything except gratitude for the opportunity to be out of breath from my run.

Patrick, Adam and Ryan were standing in the living room. When I made eye contact with them they each smiled at me.

LIZ: Guess what?!
PATRICK: What's that?
RYAN: What's up?
LIZ: I can run again!

They didn't respond with anything except for nods of encouragement and smiles.

When I woke up from the dream my opened eyes met the already risen morning sun that shone through the cracks of the blinds on the windows downstairs, in our bedroom. I looked at the metal staircase and smiled as I remembered what it felt like to run up the stairs in my dream with good news. Then I rolled over in bed and saw Adam waking up. He shot me a soft smile while he rubbed his eyes. Then he crawled over Ryan and kissed me.

LIZ: I love you more than you will ever know.

Adam hugged me and fell into my arms and we cuddled. Then Ryan woke up.

LIZ: Good morning...
RYAN: Hey....
LIZ: I love you.
RYAN: I love you. (To Adam) And I love you too!

Adam took both Ryan and I into his arms and he kissed us each on the forehead. Then he jumped back to his side of our shared bed and began searching for an iDevice on the night stand.

LIZ: How do you feel this morning?
RYAN: Better. How about you?
LIZ: I feel great.
RYAN: Good.

Of course I realize every day of my life will not begin as dreamy as that day began, but experiencing those few minutes of happiness reminded me of why I love my son and my boyfriend, and also, why I enjoy living. After I got to work later that morning and made lattes and frappuccinos for the masses, I deciphered the meaning of the amazing dream I had.

It had something to do with getting back to being honest with myself, my ARTwork, and being honest in my relationship with Ryan. Of all of the previous listed, hashing out the differences and issues Ryan and I have faced lately helped me the most in my path back to my pursuit of happiness; my path to making my good dreams my reality. After I came to terms with the fact that our relationship was out of my control, other than being the best possible partner I could be, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Somewhere in the past couple of months I lost my true self. It wasn't Ryan's fault. It was my own fault. I got caught up in trying to be someone I wasn't in an effort to fit into Ryan's life plans. And though I do believe that love is all about learning to compromise, I started to compromise on issues I didn't feel were right for me at all. The longer I kept my mouth shut and kept agreeing to things I didn't want, the further away from my true self I wandered.

I wandered off so far that I almost forgot what it was like to even be me:  The young woman who is fierce, witty, happy, intelligent, generous, and most of all; GRATEFUL for every happy moment and every not-so-happy moment of her life.

The fact[s] of the matter, or rather, the lessons I learned on this detour in my pursuit of happiness were:

You can't make anyone happy if you're not happy yourself. 
 
Compromise is important in love as is communication. 
 
No matter how much you fear letting someone down or fear scaring them away, you have to be honest with them and you also have to be honest with yourself.
 
It's okay to have a bad day and you're not a total failure at life if you have one or even more than one bad day. Life's a bitch, but she's a pretty bitch, so it evens out in the end.
 
If you feel like you're spending too much time, too much money,
or too much energy, you most definitely probably are.
 
Acknowledging what you think and how you feel is proof of  your existence. 
 
The best way to pay homage to your own existence is to be yourself, truthfully, always.
 
Take time to check out the grand things life has to offer and when you can,
take time to notice the slightest things you encounter along your life's journey.

It's kind of funny but in this very moment as I wrap up this blog entry, I realize that I've come to the stage in my grief from losing my father, my grandfather, and a family member to homicide in 2009, that I've been trying to reach for a while now.

Acceptance.

For the first time in my life I'm not afraid to be who I am. I'm not fearful or embarrassed to share the story of who I am, where I have been, and to indulge in my plans for my life journey; post grief. I'm not afraid to be depressed, or angry...nor do I feel overwhelming guilt for becoming a better person from the tragedies I've seen and lived through. I'm not afraid of the good things that come my way and I'm not afraid to fail.

Most of all, I'm not afraid to let myself be happy alone or in the company of others.

Acceptance.

It finally found me and I didn't even realize it was near.

ACCEPTANCE: Now that we're face to face, what do you wanna do?
LIZ: I don't know for sure. Probably continue finishing the book/script and do my damnedest to get it stage ready this year. I'm happy that you found  me! Right now I really wanna get this project off the ground so is it okay if we get together and catch up a little later? I'm trying to stick to my schedule so I can stay on track!
ACCEPTANCE: Girl, I just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing! You look great! Call me when you get back into town and we can catch up then. No worries!
LIZ: I'm okay with that!
ACCEPTANCE: Me too! And look, you were in the process of accepting that entire time and you didn't even realize how close you were, girl!
LIZ: I have a tendency to do that, to overlook what's in front of me, all around me!
ACCEPTANCE: No sweat girl we all do it! Just be safe and have fun working on your writing project this summer! I hope it all goes well!
LIZ: Thanks! I hope you have a good summer too!
ACCEPTANCE: Adios!
LIZ: Bye!

Our meeting wasn't quite as long or dramatic as I thought it would be. I expected it to be more drawn out, more teary and mournful but it wasn't. Sometimes what we expect is the last thing we receive and I'm happy to say that I've learned that lesson on this early morning: Sunday, March  6th 2011. I'm also happy that running into acceptance didn't veer me off my path or distract me from my goal to get my ARTwork ready for a new level.

All in all;

I'm okay with my family and my friends.
I'm okay with you
and not knowing how you are
or what you're thinking
Exactly
I'm okay with where I'm heading artistically.
I accept all of the places I've been
and haven't been
with and without you
with and without my dad
with and without him & she...
I accept all of that.

Most importantly
I accept all of my life

and all of your life
+ the loss of life
x1
x2
x3
Divided both you and me.

The good and the bad
every godforsaken moment
of sanity
and insanity
the dirty
and the clarity
I see it now
and I accept it all

Entirely.

LIZ: I'm starting to think my soul is nomadic for
all of eternity.
RANDALL: No way. No nomadice souls allowed.
LIZ: Tell me whyyyyy
RANDALL: In a fully lit room: CLOSE YOUR EYES
LEAN YOUR EYELIDS ON YOUR FIST WITH
PRESSURE FOR 20 SECONDS, LIFT UP, OPEN YOUR EYES, AND SEE THE SPARKLES. That is why.
LIZ: Ughhhh that makes no sense lol and now my eyes
are all fucked up.
RANDALL: Think about it.
LIZ: Okay, give me a minute to wrap my mind around it.

One minute later...

LIZ: I think I just got it.
RANDALL: What did you take from it?
LIZ: That I'm searching for things that are already around me.
RANDALL: Not so much that are all around you but are out there.
LIZ: I see. Pun intended.
RANDALL: Nice pun.

Prone to wander, I feel it.

Here's my heart, take and seal it

seal it for thy courts above.

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing.

Tune my heart to sing thy grace.
Streams of mercy, never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it

Mount of thy unchanging love

-- Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing/SUFJAN STEVENS