"I've been getting in trouble left and right these days, huh?"

"I've been getting in trouble left and right these days, huh?", I said to my boss after she pulled me off of the floor during my shift on Friday afternoon.

I thought the trouble would cease after my boss said, "Don't worry, nothing major. It's just protocol that I have to talk to talk to you about deposit drop safety", but we're talking about me and my life. It wouldn't be normal if something didn't go crazy, [myself included]. So in keeping with tradition, I did in fact, go crazy, though only slightly, this weekend.

As usual, where do I begin?

This time it started with a Saturday BBQ. Sounds harmless, right? Wrong. I didn't know any of the young, single, perfect-bodied, tanned girls at the pool party/BBQ. The only two people I knew were Adam and Ryan. While Ryan reconnected with the Hispanic goddesses, Adam and I sat in the living room and played on the random keyboard near the fireplace for...30 minutes or so. Ryan did the obligatory check on us after taking a brief, goddess break, and offered me some wine. I don't think I could ever recreate how excited I was about the idea of having a drink at that point. He could have offered me some dirty, AIDs ridden heroin needle, and I'm sure I would've stuck it in my arm gladly, before he could finish saying, "You're welcome."

Alcohol opened me up a little more, but my social anxiety continued to hold me underwater like a fat bully. If you've never felt what its like to LOVE people and FEAR them at the same time, you're a lucky individual. I felt that for the first time today. Its the most conflicting need vs. phobia. Well maybe not so much need, but want; Want vs. Phobia. The final feeling is a full and disgusting conclusion, kind of like when you eat way too much food and never want to eat again. You feel sick, nauseated and happy, all at the same time.

Somehow, I managed to fake an, "I don't give a f**k", composure until we left. The ride home, I stared out of the passenger window, feeling defeated, though no one knew of my loss[es]. In the course of my self-loathing, I talked myself into rationalizing a break-up with Ryan.

"He deserves a young, perfect-bodied, tanned, Hispanic goddess. He deserves so much more than I can give. He deserves more than I might ever be capable of giving. I should probably be honest and tell him that ASAP before I waste anymore of his time", I said to myself, and to the light window tint that was layered upon the separation glass between myself and the steamy, fuchsia, Texas sundown sky.

We weren't back home for more than ten minutes before I spilled the beans and told Ryan exactly what I thought during the car ride home. He looked at me like I was crazy. He was right in his visual assumption and I let him know that through my words.

"Ryan, I'm crazy. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I don't know if I'm ever going to get better and I don't want to drag you along on this ride with me. I couldn't even tell you if this ride was on an airplane, train, or in a car." With my "would not, could not"s, for a brief moment, I felt like I was talking in the style of  Dr.Seuss in the book, Green Eggs and Ham. "I sound like Dr. Seuss? Jesus Christ, I must be going crazy!" I thought to myself.

"Well you can't just quit, Liz! What makes you think if you're single you're going to ever work through this, and what about the next guy?!?!", Ryan demanded to know, annoyed and hurt by my words at the same time.

"I'm not saying I'm going to stop seeing you just so I can jump into another relationship!" I interjected during Ryan's spiel, angry with him now.

We talked for about an hour and resolved our issue[s]. Truth be told, I LOVE Ryan, completely. He's been the most positive influence in my life, outside of my brother, Patrick. There is absolutely NO REASON  I should not be able to believe him when he says he wants to be with me. Thankfully he forgave my craziness today. I'm almost sure it was strike ten. Why he hasn't thrown me out of the ball game yet, I'm not certain?

Above and beyond, I just want to feel, "okay", again, and truly mean it when I say it.

With your feet in the air
And your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it
Your head will collapse
When there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind?
   --Where Is My Mind/ the Pixies

The lioness has rejoined her cub, and all is right in the jungle.

Let's recap the week, shall we?

In the past (7) days, I've cried more than (6) times, went through at least (5) packs of cigarettes, told (4) people I was, "okay", began counseling (3) days ago, talked about (2) events from the past year that have been lingering in the back of my mind, only to have (1) person make me feel like the past week was worth it just to see his smiling face at my door, today. Of course it was my Adam<3

There was tons more that happened in the past week, but summing it up in the above sequence seemed like a fun way to make light of it all. Well, I say the sequence was the light, but really, it was Adam that was the light at the end of the tunnel. Or in some cases, the light that helps you dig your way out of your own coffin, to be resurrected from [what could have been] your death.

I think its truly amazing how pure, unconditional love really does triumph over even the worst of situations, on the screen and in reality. It's not a dreamy concept; "love conquers all". The only dreamy part is about finding that kind of love within your lifetime. It's a rarity. I feel lucky to have found it in my lifetime, and to be able to share it with my Adam<3.

Now that he's back from Oklahoma, I feel like my universe is centered once again, despite the inner turmoil that I've been dealing with lately. Going to counseling to face and work through my issues seems less scary and feels like it has a meaning when Adam is with me. I feel like I'm not getting better solely for myself, but for Adam too, so we can both live to our happiest, fullest extent. Truthfully, after my first session of counseling, I felt a release of anxiety I'd been holding. However, the cleared out space from anxiety was quickly filled with resentful blame disdain. That isn't healthy either, as it's still a form of carrying negativity, even if the blame isn't targeted at myself anymore.

This is me, still the same
No auto tune, but you can feel the pain
It all comes spilling out like I hit a vein

On another interesting note, the guy that stole tip money from me at work on Monday came into our store Friday afternoon. I didn't realize it was him until he was already at the register paying for a small cup of coffee. I considered calling security, but instead, I stopped mid-latte and stared at him until he noticed me. We made eye contact for what seemed like years. He put his head down and pulled out two dirty, crumpled up dollar bills from his dry, cracked, crippled hand, and he placed them in my tip jar. I wasn't sure what to make of the connection we made, but there was no denying that we had a strange, non-verbal meeting of the minds in another dimension of space and time, outside of the store. One thing was certain though, I forgave the thief.

That's not to say I trusted him, but I forgave him, and that's a start.

Don't believe the lies

Look me in my eyes

I remember you

This feeling isn't new

Please don't be scared of me.
-- Fear/DRAKE

The mind has a mind of its own.

In the recent wake of night terrors and being robbed at work on Monday by a homeless guy, my older brother Patrick sat me down yesterday for a heart-to-heart. More than anything, I think he wanted to figure out what was wrong with me, or at least help me find some direction. But firstly, he helped me interpret the night terrors I've been having lately.

"You're worried you can't save everything and there's no reason you should have to worry about saving anyone, especially me. But I realize that's how you're going to react for awhile. After last year and all.", he said.

"I wish it were that easy, to realize that things were safe now, and everything is okay, but my mind is in a state of PTSD that I can't control. I'm only just now processing half of what's happened to me. I mean, I can tell you how it went down all day long, from start to finish, but I can't tell you how it made me feel, how it affected me. I'm only just now getting into that part myself. I thought the bad luck was all over, but my mind and heart feel differently despite what I tell them to feel." I explained. 

I know it kills him to talk about things like this, but sometimes all it takes is 5 minutes of talking to come to the realization of what I should do next. Even though I'm not fixed, at least I know that the only person in the world I trust knows what's going on with me.

Knowing is half the battle, and the mind has a mind of its own.

You will show up while I'm dreaming
Out of nowhere cross my way
You will ask me not to scream and
You will smile and say
"You're only dreaming you're free."
--K's Choice/ Only Dreaming

Words with fun: RUN

Even when things calm down in my life, I'm not sure why, but night terrors come back and interrupt my peace, in the way of sleep deprivation.

There's nothing like waking up to the feeling of your pulse racing and breathing heavy for, on the outside, what appears to be no reason at all. We went to bed at an alarmingly normal time last night. Things before bed were perfectly fine too. I played one of those iPod app word games with Ryan and we did the crossword by twilight and candlelight. I don't even remember falling asleep, honestly. The last thing I recall was laughing about "words with fun". Next thing I know, I'm dreaming that my brother Patrick and I are having a yard sale at night. This strange guy comes in the house. He's tall and has a military haircut. The strange man looks around in the house and doesn't see anything to buy, so he leaves. Patrick motions for me to close the door and lock it right after the guy walks out.

Before I get the door locked, the guy pushes the door back open and comes in with a gun. He didn't see me, since I was behind the door, and Patrick looks at me and I can read in his eyes, he told me to RUN. I bolt out of the house through the front door, down the stairs and run like I've never ran before. I can hear a gun shot as I'm running, which prompts me to run even harder. I get to a gas station to call 911 and the operator won't take my report because she says she can't hear me. I start crying because I can't get help to my brother and I'm terrified.

"Ryan, Ryan, wake up, wake up!" I said, when I opened my eyes.
"What is it?" he asked me, barely awake.
"I had a night terror and I'm kind of freaked out", I said to him, heart still racing, breathing heavy.

I told him about the dream, then he held me to calm me down. I wish I could say that was the end, but of course it wasn't. I went back to sleep and continued on the same theme, though this time I dreamed in real time, meaning I thought the dream was happening in the present. In the next dream, I was asleep in bed with Ryan at my house. I had a gun holster on, which fit around my leg. I was also wearing stilettos. Ryan woke me up because he heard something and he realized I was sleeping with a gun. "Why the hell do you have a gun holster on?!" he asked me. In the dream I didn't care that he was mad at me, but I panicked because I knew I couldn't run in heels. I woke up; Terrified pt.II.

"Ever since last year, I'm always running in my dreams." I admitted to Ryan, "I don't know what's wrong with me."

It's exhausting physically and mentally; running endlessly.

All these things that I keep
When I cared too deep
Gonna put it to sleep
I can RUN much faster
When nothing weighs me down.

--Peter Bjorn & John/ It Don't Move Me

A Wall of Sadness

"I hit a wall of sadness I wasn't prepared for."

                                              -- Drake Darko

Dream Synch

My heart was pounding fast when I woke up abruptly from a dream around 7am this morning. I immediately threw my arm over to feel Ryan sleeping next to me, but he wasn't there. I tuned into the sounds of the house and heard the water running. "Okay, he's in the shower", I said to myself. With my heart still racing, I laid in bed, still, and began to survey my surroundings. The sunlight that came in through the blinds on the windows made long geometric shapes that together, stood up like a golden castle kingdom against my bedroom wall.

I wasn't sure if I was awake or still dreaming until I rolled over and pulled back the blinds on the window and looked outside. To my surprise, the sky was blue, not gray and stormy. I took a deep breath to let my heart know it could stop racing, and that the coast was clear. Despite the dream, there was nothing I needed to find or run from. 

Waking up like this was a familiar occurrence when I lived in Oklahoma. It hasn't happened much since I moved to Texas.

Before I had time to process the dream, Ryan walked out of the bathroom, kissed me goodbye for the day, and dashed out the door to work. I wanted to stay in bed for the rest of the day, but I took a cue from Ryan and forced myself to get up. Even though I knew it was just a dream, my heart continued to wander the house, searching, like I did in the dream.

The dream I woke from this morning took place in the strangest of venues. The dream was set in a Wal-Mart. Adam, my mother, my father and my Aunt Rhonda were in the store with me. I had my acoustic guitar and I was showing my dad a melody I was working on. He started humming the melody and added to it. My Aunt Rhonda chimed into the music talk, telling me her favorite band was Heart. My dad said to my aunt, "No no. Beth's my voodoo child." Then he insisted that we buy Adam a guitar while we were in the store. Both Adam and I were excited, and we darted off to the musical instrument section.

Adam wanted to buy a drum set instead. When I turned around to ask my dad if that was okay, he was gone. I started looking for him, up and down the aisles, calling, "Dad, dad, where are you?!"  I could hear him calling back out to me, "Beth, I'm over here! I'm over here!" but I couldn't see him and I never found him. That's when I woke up. In a way, I think I forced myself awake because I couldn't separate the dream from reality. I thought if I woke up, I could find him.

Instead I woke up, said goodbye to Ryan, and paced around in the kitchen for a few moments, then eventually walked outside. I did find a pack of Marlboro Smooths and lighter sitting in a fold up chair on my balcony. I suppose it was the next best thing to find, at least for the time being. I went back inside the house, grabbed my laptop, then back to the balcony to keep the cigarettes and lighter company.

When I logged into my email I found out I wasn't the only person who dreamed last night. My little brother Joey wrote me an email:

Sitting on the balcony, I realized what Joey's dream was saying. It has something to do with bad experiences from the past and those events repeating in our lives. I lit another cigarette and decided to stop searching. Then it felt like an alarm went off inside my head and my brain woke up. I remembered the melody my dad was humming last night in my dream. I went back inside the house and grabbed my acoustic guitar and started playing. It took me a few minutes, but I figured out the melody. It became a new song with my father's input from the dream.

In a way, it felt like I found my dad.

The Meltdown

It happened yesterday. I had an official

m
   e

     l

       t

         d

           o

             w

                n.                                

I knew it was coming, though truthfully I didn't expect it to happen in the company of a co-worker.

Oh, where do I even begin?

We weren't busy and we were zipping through our closing duties, tag-teaming the register and hi-fiving each other. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. The sun was shining bright and high. Our customers were feeling our energy too and we were making awesome tips, which is a rarity on a slow day. Then an hour before closing time, my co-worker's mom came into the store.

Just like that, my co-worker's attitude went from daydream to nightmare.

The hi-fives ceased and turned into my co-worker ordering me to do things. The sound of her voice reminded me of the tall, lean black doberman that barks at me everyday I walk home from work. Its barks; sharp, piercing, and to-the-point. My co-worker's vocal tone matched the doberman's, and I pleaded the same question to myself in that moment at work as I do every time I pass the mysterious house surrounded with bars, where the guard dog resides.

Why are you barking at me??? I'm not purposefully trying to bother you
or disturb you. I'm just trying to get home.

I also used the same conflict-resolution strategy with co-worker that I use with the doberman and ignored the barks and sped up my pace so I could get home faster. Five minutes before close I thought we were in the clear to get out of the store on time. I started drying off the dishes my co-worker just finished washing and two of our regulars walked in. No big deal, and I walked over to the coffee bar, pulled a gallon of milk out from the refrigerator and started making their drinks.


My co-worker stepped out from her side of the imaginary boundary fence between us, and onto my side. She leaned against the counter I was working at, arms crossed over her chest. I continued making the drinks and pumped coffee syrup into the blender.

"You're not supposed to pour the milk first. You pump the coffee first," she said to me, annoyed.
"*Lacie taught me to measure and pour the milk first, then pump the rest of the ingredients into the blender so it doesn't make a mess," I replied.
"Oh I highly doubt that", my co-worker snapped back at me.

Mistake #1- I should have kept my big mouth shut.

But yesterday was different, and some days at work I encounter co-workers who take their bad attitudes out on me, passive-aggressively. Most days I don't say a word because its not a big deal. I've had bad days where I take out my frustrations on everything and everyone within arm's length. I get it. It's a forgivable offense. There are also days at work when I don't get drink orders right, so when a co-worker offers advice to teach me, and for the sake of good coffee, I listen to them.


This day, however, didn't roll off of me so easily. I quietly calculated the situation in my head as I put the lids on the cups and sent the customers on their merry way. I secretly wished I could leave too, and considered giving the customers their drinks for free if they promised to take me with them. After careful evaluation, I came up with the following formula for the problem and solution:

 

co-worker's bitchy attitude
+
my overflowing anxiety
/
her mother waiting on her to get off work
June 1, 2010 @ 5:00 p.m.
x
none of the "some days at work..." spiel circumstances to be true
=
my excuse for ZERO TOLERANCE

I rinsed the blender out in our coffee bar sink and my co-worker began locking the front door. I returned the blender to its home on the drying rack and turned off the water faucet, then turned around.

"Why would you say, 'I highly doubt that'? That's how Lacie taught me to make drinks," I explained to my angry co-worker.
"I highly doubt Lacie would teach you to make a drink the wrong way," she barked back.
"I don't think she was teaching me the wrong way, we just poured the milk into the cup first as a way to measure it. Then we added the coffee pumps," I continued in my explanation.

Apparently my answer wasn't what she wanted to hear and her defensive-ness over coffee pumps returned in full effect. "That's not the right way though! Look at the steps!" she yelled at me from across the store.

"I don't understand what you're saying!" I yelled back, as my tone began to match her's so I could get in tune with her barking.
I walked up to the front counter so she could hear me better, "Do you think I'm lying about the way Lacie taught me? That would be stupid for me to lie about! Why would I make something like that up?!"
"I'm not calling you a liar!" she screamed at me.
"Well what are you trying to say?!" I asked, now extremely annoyed with her attitude. "If you highly doubt that Lacie taught me to pour milk first! Why would you say that?! And what's with that? What does that even mean? 'I highly doubt...' That means you don't believe me! Jesus Christ! Do you--"
"I didn't say I didn't believe you!" she interjected. 
"If you doubt something that means you don't believe it." I said in a slightly calmer tone.

I changed my tone because I realized that my co-worker had set me up for this entire scenario. This is how misunderstandings always start, where someone says something, and the meaning of the words and phrases they choose to use they don't entirely understand. Or sometimes they do understand what they mean and they think you don't. I've come to learn through writing and also through life experience, that words in a misunderstanding can be used like masks, to hide the identity of true feelings.

Unfortunately for my co-worker and me, I took her all of her words, phrases, sentences and dialogue to my mind and my heart. There wasn't much space in either of those places for the stress of arguing over coffee to be dealt with, and my eyelids, which I had shut like flood gates, opened up to ease the cramped quarters inside of my body. The flood of tears came rushing out, followed by hyperventilation, then into full blown and highly embarrassing panic attack mode.

My co-worker grabbed a raft and paddled around in my meltdown flood, continuing on her rant;
"I'm a supervisor at my other job! I don't short-cut things! I do things the right way!"
I wanted to scream back at her, "Well you're not a supervisor at THIS job, so stop talking down to me asshole!"

I didn't though. I could barely calm myself down to breathe, much less to resume fighting. It was a set-up trap of negativity, our yelling match, and a complete waste of her time and mine. Still, I knew the argument did not deserve this reaction from me. The reason for my meltdown was because I've been keeping my stress, my anxiety and my worry to myself. After a while, holding everything inside adds up and has to be let out. 

 

the size of my inner stress
+
the set up
/
past, present, future
x
0 room to hold things inside
=
my meltdown

It took roughly 15 minutes for me to enter the post-panic attack phase of my meltdown. All the while my co-worker was still rambling on. I managed to pant out, in between the short breaths I was taking,

"I'm sorry--this has--nothing to do with you.--I'm just--still upset--from people dying--"
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked me, now snotty in her tone.

If I had more breath to laugh in that moment, I would have. My mind resumed back to a somewhat homeostasis, and I thought to myself, "Yeah I want to talk about it. Just not with you, coffee nazi."


I politely responded, "No, its okay. I'm sorry, let's just get the rest of the closing duties finished." We went back to work in silence. I finished mopping the front of the store then grabbed my cash deposit and left immediately after I was done. I made the drop, clocked out, and headed downstairs to the locker room in the basement under our store. I sat down on the wooden bench in front of my locker and took a deep breath and let myself cry again, minus the hyperventilating.


I realized the next step would be to talk to someone, first a friend or family member, then make arrangements to start going to grief counseling. Its pretty disheartening to feel like the progress you thought you were making was avoidance. Avoidance has become my survival tactic. I knew there was no way I could have dealt with my grief while still experiencing death after death last year. I avoided dealing with it to keep my strength as pieces of my life were torn down and wiped out, like the way buildings fall and get demolished by implosion in seconds.

No one ever sees it coming until after the implosion and the structure has already begun fall. Then just as fast as it happens, its over. There's nothing you can do to rectify the building. But you can rebuild. Before you rebuild, however, you have to clear the space and clean up the pieces of the demolished buildings that stood before.

Twice yesterday, I found myself facing abrupt confrontation because I do things out of order; the coffee pumps and the process of rebuilding my life.

*Name has been changed for privacy.

JUNE 2010

current book
i WOULD have a current book
if the ft.worth library would
give me a library card.



current playlist
1. Lasso -Phoenix

2. True Love Waits - Radiohead

3. A Song for Sleeping - STP
4. Runnin' up that Hill (Kate Bush cover)- John Forte
5. It Don't Move Me - Peter Bjorn and John
6. Your Heart is an Empty Room - DC4C
7. Speak - Nickel Creek
8. So Happy I Could Die - Lady Gaga
9. Going Back to Cali - Notorious B.I.G.
10. After All These Years - Silverchair
11. Strange Magic - ELO





current shame-inducing guilty pleasure
texting



current color[s]
grey and denim blue



current fetish
Marlboro Smooths



current drink
Miller Lite



current favorite favorite
Adam II and Ryan<3



current indulgence
frosted flakes



current link
[none]

current triumph[s]

not losing my mind [yet]



current bane of my existence

the memoir and coffee



current celebrity crush
[none]

current movie
The Pink Panther

current excitement
June 2010

current mood
anxious