All I did last night was walk into the living room, and my brother Patrick
snarkily declared, "You're a hater!" My response? "I am sometimes actually. I'm working on it though." He looked at me, confused that I even acknowledged his comment. I knew he was joking. However, it wasn't long ago, I came to the conclusion that yes; I can be a hater at times.
Allow me to elaborate.
One of my favorite mottos in life; "If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself." A recent ex-boyfriend of mine often jested that the song
Short Skirt, Long Jacket by Cake was written for me, because of the lines; "I want a girl that gets up early. I want a girl that stays up late."
He was right. That describes me to a, 'T'. I'm a go-getter. In the past 365 days, I've only become more ambitious about living life to the fullest extent.
This amplified way of living for me came from experiencing the death of three family members [losing one to alcoholism, one to homicide, and another due to natural causes], as well as cut off ties,
100%, from the most hazardous relationship I've ever been involved [which was a first for me]. Yep, all of that happened in one year, 2009. But don't get it twisted. In no way, shape, or form, do I or will I allow
myself to stop living because of things not working out how I wanted them. Witnessing the unpredictably of life, how it can be taken from a person, pulled out from underneath them like a rug; its made me realize how much I want to live.
I WANT TO LIVE.
So to honor that belief, I try to live every day like there's no tomorrow. I try to make a point of keeping out unnecessary negativity in my life. I try to open myself up to new experiences, keeping my, "regrets", count at a minimum. I also try to practice minimalism by not allowing myself to become centered around material possessions. I use the word, "try", because I slip every now and again. I fall into the cycle of old habits sometimes. I'm learning how to admit my imperfections, and move on from them so I can continue living in the present; not dwelling in the past.
This mentality of mine has been known to diffuse, and I try to inspire the people in my life to share this way of living. I came to the realization that not everyone has the want to live their life in that manner. I learned this lesson in the past few months, through my relationship with my friend, Drake.
Drake is twenty-eight. He is currently serving in the Army while attending college, majoring in CIS, (computer information systems). He and his family endured tragedies throughout his life; including the kidnap, and years later, the rescue and return, of his younger sister. During his military training, he was involved in an accident with a Humvee that left him near paralyzed from the waist down. After he spent six months in the hospital recovering, he received orders to go to Iraq. The three tours he spent in the war-torn country total up to nine years of his life. Then when he came home, he and his spouse divorced. Anyone would agree, his struggle has been a long, hard road.
In the past few months, he's spent his days in lethargy, unmotivated to get out of bed and go to class. "I can't even find the energy to go out and drink with my friends", he confessed to me this week. I laughed at his statement about not drinking, then asked why he felt that way. His reply? "I can't feel anymore. Nothing moves me to live." The instant dismay I felt when I heard him say those words forced a hostile reaction from me, "What do you mean you don't want to live?!" I demanded. We've gone through this discussion before, though this was the first time he told me he didn't feel moved to live. "My entire life has been an uphill battle dealing with shit. Every time I start dealing with one thing, something else comes up. The journey hasn't hit the down slide yet and I'm starting to think it never will. I give up."
That was his answer.
I suggested several options to him; counseling, medical advice, living a healthier lifestyle, talking through the issues with me or any of his other friends and family. Each idea he opposed, stating he's tried each of them and none of the options helped. I told him he was just stuck in a rut, that it would pass, and to just give it time. We sat in complete silence for a few seconds. Then he pierced the tension; "When's it gonna stop, Liz? Huh? I've been waiting twenty-eight years for it to stop. It never gets better. Never." His words sounded hauntingly familiar. They forced me into a flash-back, where I heard a boy from my past life utter those same [last] words. Though Drake and I were not boyfriend and girlfriend, I felt our surroundings begin to shift, chaotically. Suddenly, through deja vu, time travel became possible.
Twenty seconds to the last call...
My eye contact darted from his. I lowered my head and shook off the ghostly moment. I didn't have a rebuttal, nor the words he wanted to hear. "All I can do is be here for you, Drake. I care for you, unconditionally." That was my answer. To care for someone unconditionally means to accept someone as they are, and not expect anything in return. Therefore, even though Drake doesn't share my outlook on life, I cannot hold that against him. My former self would've made it my goal to make his life better. In my opinion, that's a judgmental thought, and a narcissistic one at that. Who was I to decide that his life should be better? And who was I to gauge his happiness or unhappiness with life?
A wise man once told me, "No one man's problems are bigger than any other man's problems." I had to remember this when trying to decide what would be the right thing to do. I didn't compare my problems and issues with the experiences and stresses Drake was dealing with. I didn't pretend to understand what it was like to spend nine years in Iraq either. I listened; and he continued to feel the same despair. I felt sympathetic for him, but I trust that he will find his own path, whatever it may be.
Drake isn't the only person I've come across on my pursuit of happiness that didn't agree with the viewpoint. He's just the first person who's opposed the idea, entirely. I have to accept that people will not always agree with it. To attack them, or their opinions would make me a "hater". When I reacted in anger at first, to the way Drake felt about his life, I realize that wasn't a forward movement in his pursuit or my own pursuit of happiness. The last thing I want to be is a hater, but I admit, I can be a hater.
I'm working on it though.
U.S. 4th Infantry Division Patrols In Samarra
SAMARRA, IRAQ - AUGUST 12: U.S. Army 4th Infantry Division, 1st Battalion, 66th Regiment Specialist Brandon Drake from Killeen, Texas provides cover for a convoy as it passes the ancient stone minaret tower of the Great Mosque, which dates back to 847 A.D. Convoys and tanks from the 1-66 regularly come under fire from rocket propelled grenades and small arms as they patrol the streets of this ancient Iraqi city.
Photo: Scott Nelson/Getty Images
Aug 12, 2003
