I was happy to be home, but a few hours before I left Oklahoma, I felt a flame of melancholy start to warm the inside of my chest. It felt dreadful and I started to miss my little brother [AKA Joe Darkly], though I hadn't even left yet. He had to work the first night I got there so we didn't get to talk much, but we made up for it the night before I left. I complain about my little brother's lack of respect for anyone including himself, but I still love him. Maybe distance really does make the heart grow fonder and he and I just needed some time apart in order to appreciate each other's existence?
If I thought we could get along, I would love to get him out of my mother's house and bring him back to live with us in Texas. Our sibling Holy Trinity isn't complete without him.
Ugh.
I think this sudden need to kidnap Darkly is part of the whole pseudo-support cycle I said I would stop relying upon. I know he's content with the time we spent visiting. In that same thought, I would be willing to put money on it that he would be just as content if he and I never had that time together. Truthfully, my little brother's ability to cope with life without ever needing anyone is something I've been jealous of, for all of my mine.
I also just realized that I forgot to add Darkly to the list of the unstable things in my life. I suppose I didn't add him because I'm not sure which one of us is behind the reason for our unstable relationship.
I bet it's a 50/50.
Oddly enough, the person I'm least concerned about these days is my mother. She seems to be doing really well which is awesome. I believe that when she moved back to Oklahoma this year, she was able to find some solitude after my dad's passing. I know she's not 100% content because she's never 100% content. It's her nature to be more than 50% dissatisfied with the world at all times. But after seeing her on the visit and feeling the confidence she exuded, I know she's feeling better these days. I just wish she had more to do with her time. The woman is intelligent and she has a degree that's just dying to be used. Not because she needs the extra income, but because I think it would secure her confidence if she was doing more.
That's another thing I need to work on letting go; letting go. It's not my job to save everyone, despite the past record. It's difficult learning to let go. But my mother and my brother have made the task of letting them go as easy as humanly possible.
This is the part where I accept their want to be alone because it isn't meant to be taken personally.
That was my last visit to the Sooner state for 2010 and for awhile, since I made the decision not to go back to Oklahoma until I get the first volume of my memoir finished. Through this written agreement with myself, I will make sure to utilize my time in Texas, without interruption. I'm not too far behind on the book and most of it is written. It's the format of the book I'm having issues with. It's proven to be a challenge because I don't want the book to be merely a book. I want it to be an experience that the reader; that the audience experiences as I did, so we share the experience, together.
On another note, I had a series of random dreams last night that I remembered vividly when I woke up this morning.
The dream began with my shift manager from Starbucks asking me to pick her up so she and I could go to work together. We both ended up running late and we got in trouble for opening the store late. Then all of my co-workers showed up and we went on a field trip and had a picnic out in this open, outdoorsy type place. The dream took a random turn and suddenly I was at A Perfect Circle concert. Paz Lenchatin, [their former guitarist who now plays with ZWAN], spoke to the audience.
She said, "Yeah, Maynard took a picture of me and this Mormon guy backstage before we came on. Remember not to live your life on your knees."
Strange, strange, strange.
In true dream fashion, I was suddenly teleported to another scene at Ryan's dad's house. Ryan and I walked into the house and his step-mother was laying on her bed next to a girlie magazine and a nail file. Ryan asked if he could have the magazine and she gave it to him. He walked out of the bedroom and left me with his step-mother, alone. I asked her if I could have the nail file and she handed it to me and started crying. I could hear loud music coming from somewhere in the house and his step-mother said, "That's [Ryan's dad]." I started to get the vibe that they were fighting and she wanted to be alone.
From the bedroom, I walked out and found the hallway staircase that led to the guest room. I heard a door slam shut from somewhere in the back of the house, which I assumed to be Ryan walking outside. Then the music coming from the room where Ryan's dad was at became louder and louder until it was all I could hear.
I stared up at the hallway staircase and felt a dreadful, warm feeling return to my chest. It felt similar to the feeling I had when I left Oklahoma this weekend.
"Life is not a dream when you can't wake up from the dream you wanted."
