TIME to go HOME.

Why can't I go back to sleep? I'm not stressed out about anything... Maybe I'm just anxious about going to Oklahoma?

Last week, on the night before I left to visit my mother, something woke me up. Not abruptly, but not so easy, either. I sat straight up and got out of bed and headed upstairs. The time on the clock in the kitchen said 3am, exactly. Since I knew I wouldn’t be going back to sleep anytime soon, I found my iPhone and headphones to keep myself entertained and walked into the living room and got comfy on the sofa.

The house was dark because everyone else was asleep except for me.

Everyone slept. Everyone sleeps.
Everyone SLEEPS except for me...

From my spot on the sofa, I lazily turned my head and stared at the front door. Then I remembered a conversation Ryan and I had two weeks ago.

RYAN: I swear I locked the upstairs door before I left to go running and when I came back the door was all wide open and the screen door was swinging back and forth. I swear I shut the screen door too before I left because you know, there’s a special trick to get it closed. And then last week when the window in Patrick’s room somehow opened itself and it was pushed all the way up...I don’t know what the hell is going on, but it’s... I don’t know...

These claims I would've taken with a grain of salt from anyone else, but I know Ryan. He’s OCD about doors and windows being locked and he checks them at least three times before he leaves, so I knew he was telling the truth.

What on earth could be causing the sudden burst of unexplained activity in the house?

Then it dawned on me; I still have dad's stuff here.

Just as fast as I got out of bed; I rose from my horizontal position on the couch after I put it all together. Melancholy and relief rushed over me and sent a shudder that began at the back of my cerebellum and raced down my spine.

I never knew the two feelings could co-exist in one moment; Melancholy and relief. I knew it was time.

My father passed away two years ago, and though that may seem forever ago, it feels like yesterday to me. Only in the past year did I begin to deal with the grief over his loss which was the hardest loss I've ever had to cope with in my life. My dad's sudden illness and death progressed so quickly, I was not prepared for him to leave the physical earth when he died on March 14, 2009.

After his death I held onto the memory of him. This included the material things that made me feel like he was still near; The flag that covered his casket at his funeral, his military jacket, and his favorite ball caps. Even when I moved to Texas in January 2010, the items moved with me. 

The move to Texas was more than just a physical relocation, it was the start of a spiritual journey; my first, true, self-chosen path. This journey led me to what I've been searching for; my purpose in life: ART; but more specifically, writing. This hasn't been a solo journey, though. I believe my father; his spirit; has been with me this whole time. Not just because I had his things, but because he wanted to stay with me and I don't know why, exactly.

Maybe it was because he didn't find his own path in life until it was too late and he wanted to make sure I found mine? Or maybe he wanted to know I forgave him and that I forgave myself; both of us, for taking life for granted, and he wanted to see me do something more than what he showed me while he was alive.

I don't know.

All I know for certain is that I'm not LOST anymore. I've found peace and happiness in my life. Now it's time for my dad to begin HIS spiritual journey...where ever that may lead.

I know it's time for you to go HOME, dad.

The next day, just before we left for the visit to Oklahoma, I packed my father's flag, his military jacket, and his ball caps in the car. I made sure they were safe and secure before I closed the door.

It was nice outside and I looked out at the trees in our neighborhood. Then I noticed someone walking in the street. It was an older man, medium build with white hair. He was wearing shorts and tennis shoes and his socks were pulled up to his knees. In each of his hands he was carrying a brown paper sack and I noticed the tops of the bags. Yep, that's two quarts of beer alright. I wonder where he's going? Would he tell me if I asked him? I wonder if he even knows?

He looked so familiar, with the exception of a missing ball cap, that I nearly ran after him to get a better look at his face but something told me to let it go.

Let HIM go.

The man turned around and spotted me along his path on the opposite side of the road. We gazed into each other's eyes and he smiled softly at me with his lips closed. I returned his soft smile and waved goodbye. Then the man turned his focus back toward the setting sun in front of him and I watched him walk into the end-of-day horizon.

He looked uncertain yet content.

On a dark desert highway
Cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy
and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
I was thinking to myself
"This could be heaven or this could be hell."

--Hotel California/THE EAGLES

SOWING THE SEEDS of a short story.

For my father, Roland Anthony Torralba, on his 2nd year Death Birthday.

 

SOWING THE SEEDS of a short story

When I was around six years old and my family lived in White Settlement, Texas, my father took me with him while he drove around on the outskirts of town... and he drank.

We listened to the radio on every single one of these joyrides. I wasn't aware that drinking and driving were illegal at this time, so I loved spending the time with my father and never thought anything else of it. As inappropriate as it was, we bonded deeply during these adventures because there were minimal distractions. It was simply us in a car, talking, and listening to the AM/FM radio. He sang-a-long to every random song that came on the radio and I learned the words to nearly every pop song, post 1950, from riding around in the car with my dad.

I remember one song in particular and associate it with the time the police finally caught on to my father's unlawful behavior. It was one evening after my mother came home from work and she couldn't find me or my dad. She called the police and they issued an Amber Alert searching for my father; the accused kidnapper; and me, the alleged kidnappee.

We had no idea we were being searched for. All I was aware of in that moment was the song playing on the radio and the sound of my dad’s voice, as he sang it to me...

Sea of love...sea of love...join with me...

I saw flashing lights flicker on the dashboard of the car and I turned the radio volume down. My father looked in the rear view mirror, still singing along to the song, lightly. "Don't worry dad.  I've got on my seat belt." I assured from the passenger seat.

I had no idea that the seat belt was going to be the least of the officer's concerns during that stop. My dad continued to sing along to the song as he pulled off onto a grassy knoll. He turned the car off but he pulled the key back. I could faintly hear the music from the radio still playing in the background. The officer came up to the car with his gun drawn and I remember trying to figure out what the big deal was. In my head we didn't do anything wrong. We were just hanging out like we always did.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to step out of the car," the officer instructed.
 

It was then I realized that my dad was familiar with this procedure because he did everything per the officer's instruction, like it was second nature. I was embarrassed once I put it all together. My father knew he was in the wrong. Though I was angry at him for misleading me into what I thought was normal adult behavior, I continued to stand by him, literally. My dad had his hands leaned against the car while the officer questioned him and I did the same and leaned my hands against the car too.

"Got any guns sir?"

"Nope no guns", my father replied. Then my dad asked me, "Got any guns Beth?"

"Nope no guns", I assured him.
"Got any knives sir?" the officer inquired.

Again, my father gave his solemn word, "Nope". Then my father asked,

"You got any knives Beth?"
I assured him and the officers, "Nope. No knives, dad."

The officer handcuffed my father and read him his Miranda rights. I remember looking at my dad wondering what was going to happen next and he interrupted my fear with a question, "Are you paying attention to what they're saying, Beth?"

I stopped being fearful and started taking note of every little detail I could.
I gave my full attention to the situation at hand[cuff].

The officer told me to get in the back of his car. I looked at my father and waited for his nod of approval. Once I got it, I followed the officer to the car. From the backseat, I watched a second patrol car drive up and my father was taken away in that car. I still wasn't fearful at this point because I held onto my father's words like gospel, Are you paying attention to what they're saying?  I also found solace in the song my father sang to me. I couldn't get it out of my head.

...Sea of love...sea of love...join with me....

As the officer drove me to the police department, I remained silent, (just as they told my father he had the right to do). The officer began asking me all sorts of questions, but I only answered one of them; 

"Did your daddy take you with him and you didn't want to go with him?"

I glared past the cage-like covering from the backseat and into the rear view mirror. I could see the officer's eyes in that mirror, fixed on me. His face begged for me to oblige him.

“NO WAY!!!! I always want to go with my dad when he rides around! I don't ever want to stay at home!”

That wasn't what the officer wanted to hear but I didn't care because I wasn't going to lie. I knew what kidnapping was and kidnapping was not this case. The officer continued to ask me things but I didn't want to talk to him because I felt like he was attempting to lead me into a falsified story. My father was in the wrong, but not for the  reasons the officers were hoping to discover.

The kidnapping charges against my father were dropped and he was formally charged with driving under the influence. He served less than a month in the Tarrant County jail and his driver's license was revoked. After that incident he never got his license reinstated in Texas, or any other state for that matter.

So that was the last joyride my father and I ever took together.

I had all but forgotten about the incident and the song until recently. I was listening to an internet radio station and I immediately recognized the melody. I haven't heard this song in ages! What's the name of this song, anyway? and I maximized the station's window so I could find out the title. Then, after all these years, shrouded in mystery, I learned the correct lyrics and the name of the unknown song from that incident with my father. 

Hearing it made me feel like I was with my dad again, driving on the outskirts of Fort Worth, TX.

Feel the pain
Talk about it
If you're a worried man
then shout about it
Open hearts
feel about it
Open minds
think about it
Everyone
Read in the books in the crannies and the nooks
There are books to read!
Time to eat all your words
Swallow your pride
Open your eyes

-- Sowing the Seeds of Love/TEARS FOR FEARS

Dear Dad,
I never got to tell you this when you were here so I want to tell you now, THANK YOU FOR YOU. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be who I am, today. I love you and I miss you even more. I don't know if there is an afterlife, but I hope there is so I can connect with you again; somehow, somewhere, someday.
Love always,

Beth

I'm okay with that. pt.IIII [The one with all the Acceptance]

A few days ago I had a dream.

The dream stood out in my memory long after I woke up because it was an actual dream, it wasn't a nightmare or night terror. The latter is what I usually experience and wake up from violently in the middle of the night. But not a few days ago. No, nooo, this was quite the opposite. The dream didn't wake me up in any manner of hostility. In fact, the dream I had restored my faith in myself, my relationship with my son, my family bonds, and in my ARTwork.

In the dream, I was running toward my house. It was a perfect day. The sun was out and the sky above me was clear and blue. I felt my heart speed up in a good way and my adrenaline was pumping, releasing feel good endorphins into my blood stream. Once I saw Patrick's car and Ryan's car parked out in the driveway, I sped up and darted inside the house and ran up our spiral staircase. I was slightly out of breath but I didn't feel anything except gratitude for the opportunity to be out of breath from my run.

Patrick, Adam and Ryan were standing in the living room. When I made eye contact with them they each smiled at me.

LIZ: Guess what?!
PATRICK: What's that?
RYAN: What's up?
LIZ: I can run again!

They didn't respond with anything except for nods of encouragement and smiles.

When I woke up from the dream my opened eyes met the already risen morning sun that shone through the cracks of the blinds on the windows downstairs, in our bedroom. I looked at the metal staircase and smiled as I remembered what it felt like to run up the stairs in my dream with good news. Then I rolled over in bed and saw Adam waking up. He shot me a soft smile while he rubbed his eyes. Then he crawled over Ryan and kissed me.

LIZ: I love you more than you will ever know.

Adam hugged me and fell into my arms and we cuddled. Then Ryan woke up.

LIZ: Good morning...
RYAN: Hey....
LIZ: I love you.
RYAN: I love you. (To Adam) And I love you too!

Adam took both Ryan and I into his arms and he kissed us each on the forehead. Then he jumped back to his side of our shared bed and began searching for an iDevice on the night stand.

LIZ: How do you feel this morning?
RYAN: Better. How about you?
LIZ: I feel great.
RYAN: Good.

Of course I realize every day of my life will not begin as dreamy as that day began, but experiencing those few minutes of happiness reminded me of why I love my son and my boyfriend, and also, why I enjoy living. After I got to work later that morning and made lattes and frappuccinos for the masses, I deciphered the meaning of the amazing dream I had.

It had something to do with getting back to being honest with myself, my ARTwork, and being honest in my relationship with Ryan. Of all of the previous listed, hashing out the differences and issues Ryan and I have faced lately helped me the most in my path back to my pursuit of happiness; my path to making my good dreams my reality. After I came to terms with the fact that our relationship was out of my control, other than being the best possible partner I could be, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Somewhere in the past couple of months I lost my true self. It wasn't Ryan's fault. It was my own fault. I got caught up in trying to be someone I wasn't in an effort to fit into Ryan's life plans. And though I do believe that love is all about learning to compromise, I started to compromise on issues I didn't feel were right for me at all. The longer I kept my mouth shut and kept agreeing to things I didn't want, the further away from my true self I wandered.

I wandered off so far that I almost forgot what it was like to even be me:  The young woman who is fierce, witty, happy, intelligent, generous, and most of all; GRATEFUL for every happy moment and every not-so-happy moment of her life.

The fact[s] of the matter, or rather, the lessons I learned on this detour in my pursuit of happiness were:

You can't make anyone happy if you're not happy yourself. 
 
Compromise is important in love as is communication. 
 
No matter how much you fear letting someone down or fear scaring them away, you have to be honest with them and you also have to be honest with yourself.
 
It's okay to have a bad day and you're not a total failure at life if you have one or even more than one bad day. Life's a bitch, but she's a pretty bitch, so it evens out in the end.
 
If you feel like you're spending too much time, too much money,
or too much energy, you most definitely probably are.
 
Acknowledging what you think and how you feel is proof of  your existence. 
 
The best way to pay homage to your own existence is to be yourself, truthfully, always.
 
Take time to check out the grand things life has to offer and when you can,
take time to notice the slightest things you encounter along your life's journey.

It's kind of funny but in this very moment as I wrap up this blog entry, I realize that I've come to the stage in my grief from losing my father, my grandfather, and a family member to homicide in 2009, that I've been trying to reach for a while now.

Acceptance.

For the first time in my life I'm not afraid to be who I am. I'm not fearful or embarrassed to share the story of who I am, where I have been, and to indulge in my plans for my life journey; post grief. I'm not afraid to be depressed, or angry...nor do I feel overwhelming guilt for becoming a better person from the tragedies I've seen and lived through. I'm not afraid of the good things that come my way and I'm not afraid to fail.

Most of all, I'm not afraid to let myself be happy alone or in the company of others.

Acceptance.

It finally found me and I didn't even realize it was near.

ACCEPTANCE: Now that we're face to face, what do you wanna do?
LIZ: I don't know for sure. Probably continue finishing the book/script and do my damnedest to get it stage ready this year. I'm happy that you found  me! Right now I really wanna get this project off the ground so is it okay if we get together and catch up a little later? I'm trying to stick to my schedule so I can stay on track!
ACCEPTANCE: Girl, I just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing! You look great! Call me when you get back into town and we can catch up then. No worries!
LIZ: I'm okay with that!
ACCEPTANCE: Me too! And look, you were in the process of accepting that entire time and you didn't even realize how close you were, girl!
LIZ: I have a tendency to do that, to overlook what's in front of me, all around me!
ACCEPTANCE: No sweat girl we all do it! Just be safe and have fun working on your writing project this summer! I hope it all goes well!
LIZ: Thanks! I hope you have a good summer too!
ACCEPTANCE: Adios!
LIZ: Bye!

Our meeting wasn't quite as long or dramatic as I thought it would be. I expected it to be more drawn out, more teary and mournful but it wasn't. Sometimes what we expect is the last thing we receive and I'm happy to say that I've learned that lesson on this early morning: Sunday, March  6th 2011. I'm also happy that running into acceptance didn't veer me off my path or distract me from my goal to get my ARTwork ready for a new level.

All in all;

I'm okay with my family and my friends.
I'm okay with you
and not knowing how you are
or what you're thinking
Exactly
I'm okay with where I'm heading artistically.
I accept all of the places I've been
and haven't been
with and without you
with and without my dad
with and without him & she...
I accept all of that.

Most importantly
I accept all of my life

and all of your life
+ the loss of life
x1
x2
x3
Divided both you and me.

The good and the bad
every godforsaken moment
of sanity
and insanity
the dirty
and the clarity
I see it now
and I accept it all

Entirely.

LIZ: I'm starting to think my soul is nomadic for
all of eternity.
RANDALL: No way. No nomadice souls allowed.
LIZ: Tell me whyyyyy
RANDALL: In a fully lit room: CLOSE YOUR EYES
LEAN YOUR EYELIDS ON YOUR FIST WITH
PRESSURE FOR 20 SECONDS, LIFT UP, OPEN YOUR EYES, AND SEE THE SPARKLES. That is why.
LIZ: Ughhhh that makes no sense lol and now my eyes
are all fucked up.
RANDALL: Think about it.
LIZ: Okay, give me a minute to wrap my mind around it.

One minute later...

LIZ: I think I just got it.
RANDALL: What did you take from it?
LIZ: That I'm searching for things that are already around me.
RANDALL: Not so much that are all around you but are out there.
LIZ: I see. Pun intended.
RANDALL: Nice pun.

Prone to wander, I feel it.

Here's my heart, take and seal it

seal it for thy courts above.

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing.

Tune my heart to sing thy grace.
Streams of mercy, never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it

Mount of thy unchanging love

-- Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing/SUFJAN STEVENS

I'm okay with that. pt. III

I did something all by myself.

I didn't plan to do it alone but on that day, roughly three weeks ago; it seemed like a good thing to try. Once it was all said and done, I wasn't sure if I did it right.

What the hell? I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

I could go to jail? Highly unlikely. Then again knowing my luck...

Nearly a month later and I can tell you the good news is, I wasn't arrested. I did it right.

I'm free.

However, the 2,765.00 I planned to get back from my 2010 tax return was not as lucky and unfortunately, it was apprehended by the Oklahoma Student Loan ASSociation. I use the word apprehend but allow me to face the fact: The money went back to OSLA because it belonged to OSLA, not me. I owed them and repaying the debt was the right thing to do.

In the past, after finding out about the financial set back, I would've thrown a Morrissey worthy pity party, complete with razor kits and smeared black eyeliner.  And in all honesty I wanted to cry yesterday morning once I learned why the money hadn’t been deposited into my bank account yet.  I had a feeling some of the money would be intercepted, but I most definitely did NOT anticipate the entire sum to be applied to my loan balance.

This time there was no dramatic celebration. In fact, it’s been nearly 24 hours since the let down and I concluded there are several reasons I haven’t relapsed into my former self destructive behavior.

1.         1. I was in a restaurant eating breakfast when my mother called to deliver the news, [which she read to
          me from a letter I received at her address]. 

2. I wasn’t alone when I found out. I was in the company of a co-worker [now friend]; Chloe.   
3. The moment I felt like crying over the loss of a material object; currency; the feeling of vomit
    forming in my stomach took over everything else. 

When my eyes swelled up with tears, I was confused and embarrassed. Why did the money suddenly matter to me when my life wasn’t depending on it?  I admit, I wanted to buy tickets to the Austin City Limits Festival and I wanted to buy Adam a brand new play set for the backyard but I could still do both of those things. It would just take a little longer now. So why am I so upset? Oh yeah. I realized that my relationship with Ryan depended on the money since I promised to use part of it to take care of our bills so he could get out of Dallas and find a job closer to our home. But without that promise he isn’t leaving Dallas anytime soon.

I don’t want to lose Ryan.

Next was the issue of crying in front of Chloe. That breakfast date was the first time Chloe and I got together outside of work and I didn’t want to bring down the positive energy we were creating over coffee, solid art talk, eggs, and toast. So I refused to let the sadness get to me, at least for the time we were together.  I wanted to continue our good vibes by taking the news in stride.

Choose the cycle of good energy over the negative.

Lastly, the whole crying in public thing is something I haven’t done since ….Never. 

Well, only once.

I can’t remember a time when I ever thought crying in public was a good idea, except for when I was pregnant with Adam.


After going around in circles over these realizations in my mind and through talking with my new friend, I felt the fierceness I had a year ago begin to fill up my soul again . I didn’t realize my braveface had even left me until yesterday, when it returned in the form of a real smile and boisterous laughter as Chloe and I sat on the floor of the dank basement at the Fort Worth Public Library.  

LIZ: …so yeah, that’s the story of Bonnaroo. My boyfriend—well ex now, R-U-N-N-O-F-T’d because of a bad acid trip and he thought everyone was trying to kill him. And before he realized it wasn’t real he called me and threatened to find someone to rape me with a broomstick.

CHLOE: [Laughing profusely] WOW. Just wow. And you stayed with this guy after that?

LIZ: You don’t understand. I LOVED this boy. I just thought he was going through a rough patch. I didn’t realize it was a rough life.

CHLOE: Wow. You’ve lived through some crazy experiences.

LIZ: Indeed. Indeed.

___________________________________

I'm not afraid of Nichols Park
I ride the train and I ride it after dark
                                                                 I'm not afraid to get it right
I turn around and I give it one more try
                                                                I go out to the golden age

                                                                                                            The spirit is right and the spirit doesn't change

_________________________________

I get wound up from time to time in the present so much that I forget just how far I’ve come from the places I’ve been. The weakness I felt once I realized I was going to have to let things happen between me and Ryan, instead of forcing him to be with me, reminded me of the last time I went searching for a boy who I thought was lost in the woods in Tennessee. But he wasn’t lost. Or maybe he was and he wanted to be lost? I don't know? I do know that I didn’t want to run after that boy in the woods but I did because I thought I was in love. And the relationship blew up in my face. I don’t want to lose Ryan but I refuse to chase him. 

I refuse to chase anybody.

I also don’t want a relationship built around a money scheme either. That’s not who I am and unfortunately I don’t plan to change anytime soon.

My name is Liz Sweetly.
Most of my friends either call me Liz or Sweetly.
I don’t like running unless I have to for vanity issues.
I like to write. I love my son, my family, my friends and ART. 
I like talking and listening, and I’m learning how to do the latter better every day.
I’ve seen a lot of life for 27 years old and I can’t wait to see more.

Even if the something more I see is something I do all by myself.

I don’t plan to see it alone but even if I do, I’ll know I did it right. 

I'm free.

                                                                                                                  
Finally; I’m okay with that. 

I don't care what the captain said
I fold it right at the top of my head
I lost my sight and the state packs in
I follow my heart and it leads me right to Jackson.
-- Jacksonville/SUFJAN STEVENS