The thing of it is, is.

Nooo, nooo, nooo. You don't understand. See, the thing of it is, is...

I'm starting this entry today with something I forgot to mention that happened earlier this week. As usual, I was outside on the balcony smoking a cigarette, texting. I heard people talking and looked up from my phone's tiny LCD blackhole. Two guys were pushing someone in a wheelchair. I stood up at attention, interested. They were all laughing, cutting up with each other. One of the guys walking was dribbling a basketball, as he helped push his wheelchaired friend along. The guy in the wheelchair noticed me looking down from the balcony and looked right at me and smiled and waved. I don't know if it was the fact that he was so confident, but he was gorgeous. He had dark hair, dark eyes, tanned skin and the brightest 1,000 watt smile. Embarrassed I'd been caught people watching, I nervously smiled back and waved. Then they all looked up at me and waved. I quickly returned the greeting again, put out my cigarette and rushed back inside. I don't know why, but that moment stood out in my mind.

~

tell me what you know about dreams
tell me what you know about night terrors
nothing.
you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow
rather lay awake in a path full of sorrow

It's kinda funny. Lately everyone's asked how I've been sleeping. I'm going to bed on time, but I have to be honest. I'm not sleeping through the nite. I wake up at least twice during slumber. I've had fucked up dreams all week, with the nite before last's being the most vivid. I keep trying to remember to write the dreams down, but for the most part I just want to forget them. Because most of them aren't dreams. They're nite terrors. I haven't had them this bad since the summer of '09. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me? Life now isn't as terrifying as it was then. I guess it's still my anxiety of worrying that 2009 might try to make another cameo in 2010. Every time I think I'm good, and it's all behind me, it comes back. If not in person, then in my nightmares.

Despite that, I'm not going to let it hinder my growth. I refuse to. I discussed this last nite with Drake. About how the only way we can justify and redeem tragedy is by not letting it consume us. By taking all the negative shit and turning it into something positive. At least for me, that's redemption. I really believe that if I just keep moving forward, the nitemares will subside eventually. It's all part of a cycle. I also plan to return some correspondence today that I've been putting off, selfishly. I believe that will help clear my thought process as well.





LIZ: I see that it's not filling the right kind of void that it's supposed to be.

DRAKE: That' so cool. I wish I could've seen like that back then.

This is the dream:

Before I get into the amount of strange dreams I had last nite, I want to congratulate myself for not being a total slacker this week. I've gone to bed at a somewhat reasonable hour, and awake by 9am every morning. I have yet to completely waste a day here, and that's a major accomplishment for me.

The dreams I had last nite were several different scenarios that all linked together. There weren't any breaks that I can remember. In the first scene, me and my friend Bear were in a white room with all the windows open, sun shining through. Everything was great until he started yelling at me about, "my pursuit of happiness". Then, from there, I was suddenly watching old tape reel movies with Carson Jobe in a room with shaggy green carpet. He was sorting through a box of old movies when I turned around because I heard a telephone ringing. When I turned back to ask Carson to get the phone, he was gone.

I walked downstairs and out through the front door of this mysterious house where the dream was taking place. My mother was outside waiting for me. We were walking the perimeter of the house on this perfect blue sky, sparse white clouds, afternoon. Suddenly my ex's mother pulled up in a truck, into the driveway, with two other people I've never seen in my life; a man and a woman. I immediately felt this huge pit in my stomach. Not so much because I was afraid to run into her, but because in the dream it was very apparent that my mother and his mother did NOT like each other. I leaned over to my mother and whispered, "I had a dream that this was going to happen". My mother said, "What?!", so I kept telling her, louder and louder, over and over, until I was practically screaming and my ex's mother heard us. She walked over to my mother and me. The man and the woman continued walking as if nothing had happened, off the set of the dream.

"I'm not talking to you while she's here", my ex's mom said, scowling at my mother. "Okay", I replied, "I had a dream--" but before I could finish, my ex's mom started yelling at me. I yelled back in return. I don't even know what either of us was trying to say because there was so much yelling. And that's when I woke up.

Strange, strange, strange. I heard from my HS BFF last nite for the first time in a few years. Maybe that had something to do with dreaming about the past? Who knows? I'm almost certain this dream was trying to tell me something. I'm not sure what, but I know it has nothing to do with the people in the dream.

~

On a side note, plan; "Convince Patrick to Quit His Job"; is underway. I should probably explain why I think it makes sense that he quit his job. It has nothing to do with the job itself, its merely the hours. I didn't realize how much he worked until I moved here. He never has free time to do the things he wants to do. That's not living. I love my brother, he's my best friend. Because of that, I feel its unacceptable that he's not able to have the time to do even half of the things he wants to do here. So I'm going to help him find another job.

Oh, one more thing. My little brother scored a new nickname last nite.
We'll now be referring to him as, "The Incident".

Friday Mind "Makes Love To You"

Sometimes, when we think we see things so clearly, Friday comes along. Before, I would've said that it comes along and mindfucks you. But let me rephrase that.

Sometimes Friday comes along and mind "makes love to you".

Fuck.

The Pursuit of Happiness and Synchronicity

Oh I got drunk last nite! Oh so drunk!

Seeing it from a symbolic standpoint, it was like our christening; myself and my brothers; in this new city. Despite the hangover I felt for an hour after I woke up, I feel great today. I don't know why, but last nite kind of marked the official start of life here. My writer's block has cleared and I scored an interview with a music promotion company on Monday.

Next on the agenda is convincing my older brother to quit his job. I haven't told him of my plan yet, but yeah, that's the plan. Too bad this isn't 2009. Because if it was, my bad luck could just rub off on him like it did to Jeremy, and he could get fired so I wouldn't have to convince him to quit. (Yes, I'm quite aware of my facetious-isms, thank you very much.)

Speaking of Jeremy, I heard a song on VH1 this morning and thought of him. Immediately, my phone vibrated with a text. It read: "How are you doing today mamacita?" I don't even have to tell you who it was. I love it when little things like that happen. There's a word for it. It's called SYNCHRONICITY.

Thanks for not forgetting me.

This morning, I woke up to a wet feeling on my face. "What. The. Fuck.", I thought, "surely I didn't drool that much in my sleep." I got up and headed straight for the bathroom. Not even caring that I had just woke up and my eyes would hate me for it, I turned on the light to look at myself in the mirror. It wasn't drool all over my face, it was blood. Blood from my nose. "Fuck." Generally speaking, (unless I've been doing coke for a week straight), my nose only bleeds when I'm running a tremendously high fever or I have a sinus infection. No fever this morning. "I need real pseudophed. Not that shitty pseudophed PE." I turned the faucet on, washed my face and brushed my teeth. After drying off, I tore all the bedding up and threw it in the washer.

I started to walk outside to smoke a cigarette when I glanced over on the TV stand, and noticed a vanilla envelope that read: "LIZ [insert private home address here]". There wasn't a return address on the envelope, so naturally, I ripped it open to find out what it was. Inside, I found this:

A Late Xmas/Valentine's Day card from Carson Jobe. It was the first laugh I had all morning. Especially after the whole, "blood all over the place", incident. I immediately sent him a thank you, especially for not forgetting about me. Everytime I hear from Carson, it's like hearing a Weezer song on the radio; surprising, familiar, comforting, sweetheart, safezone.

~

No major plans today. Laundry, obviously. Returning phone calls for work. My brothers and I are supposed to hit up downtown tonite, but we'll see if that happens.


Right now, I just need Pseudophed.

You never told me...

Have you ever thought about how even the slightest little thing we do effects EVERYTHING? (More than just, "The Butterfly Effect".)

You never told me the name of that Stevie Wonder song you heard that day...

I remember your reasoning for not wanting to tell me was
because you said you didn't want me to get a big head over it.

I don't know that it would have changed anything.
Coincidentally, the first Stevie Wonder song I can remember
was from when he hosted SNL in 1983.

That song was called, "Overjoyed".

Lost in the Sauce (DJ_LeezurdkalMD Redo)

In the bath last nite, I came upon a realization:

The four years I thought I had to make something happen is truthfully four months.

My Time Spiel

This couldn't come at a better/worse time. I have the time now, but lately I've been in a sort of writer's block. I hesitate to say that, afraid to jinx myself, but it's true. I can't even return correspondence lately. That's not normal for me. I'm glad I haven't totally fallen off the writing wagon though, thanks to this blog. Then there's The Source DC's play festival that I sent The Insulin Shot script to, but they aren't announcing the scripts until March 1st. I need to fix my laziness before I lose anymore time. Time has proven to be a strictly absolute and confident being. Once it leaves it doesn't come back.

So no more wasting time. With that being known, I just need the motivation to make that happen. I wish I could just buy motivation because that would make this so much easier.





LIZ: I woke up with a fever and I couldn't breathe. I immediately thought of you.

BEAR: That's cute in a weird way.

Roll On

I got in some much needed family time and free time this weekend. I didn't want it to end. My mother and I watched The Hangover and The Inglorious Basterds together. She really enjoyed both of the movies, and I got to spend some one-on-one time with her. Even though we fight constantly, we need our time to be able to reconnect, as women, so we don't hurt each other. This weekend provided that much needed time to bond again. Even if it was only for the weekend.

Got to see Jeremy and Eric as well. Seeing them is kind of like seeing family now. Jeremy showed me some of the buildings he was considering to rent to house his new law practice and DJ/chocolate fountain company. He also instructed and helped me shoot my first real gun, a mini assault rifle. I saved the shell casings to show off to my brothers, in case they didn't believe me. He tried to take me to the exotic wildlife refuge because he's been trying to show me these baby tigers they have, but they were closed. We could still see some of the animals through the fenced areas, and I saw a real liger. I had to laugh about it because all I could think of was Napoleon Dynamite's liger pencil sketch.

After the refuge excursion, Eric made dinner AND baked a cake. Everything about this weekend was blissfully... normal.

I realized from this weekend some of the things I'm appreciative within Jeremy. For starters, his endless amount of patience with me. I'm awfully precocious for 26, I ask 10,000,000 questions, and he never tires answering anything I ask about him, me, or about life, or music...He's by far the most fearless person I've ever met, (and come on, let's face it, you have to be fearless to choose to be a part of my life). But his fearlessness doesn't make him an asshole. He's also one of the most compassionate and empathetic people I know. In my opinion, that makes an interesting balance in personality. (Must be nice to be a Libra).

I'm thankful to know him and happy he's choosing to be in my life.

My brothers and I also went and explored Ft. Worth. We walked around the downtown area, ran into a somber trumpet player, and took a few pics of some of the architecture of the metropolis buildings. We ended the nite at a dive bar called Gators, with Bloody Marys and Miller Lite.

I wish every weekend could be like this.

Tonite on Unsolved Mysteries: UPDATE!!

Made it back to the [817]. Headed to D-Town right now. Update later tonite!



Lions,
Ligers,
Tigers,
and
Bears

Oh My!!

Time to Pretend

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw,
I'm in the prime of my life
Let's make some music, make some money,
find some models for wives

Getting ready to head up to Oklahoma. I'll be back in the [817] on Monday. All these changes and I hope I don't lose myself in between the lines. I've got exactly 4 more years to make something happen.

Make SOMETHING happen.

No one ever tells you that your mid-twenties are time for an identity crisis. Again, I blame this all on astrology.

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals
and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother
and the weight of the world
I'll miss my father,
miss my dogs
and I'll miss my only one

While I was sleeping

Got some much needed sleep last nite. But I'm really weird when it comes to sleep. I have to get a specific amount or I wake up still tired. The right amount for me is somewhere in between 6 to 7 hrs. The 10 hours I received last nite will come in handy at some point, but right now I just want to crawl back into bed and stay there for the rest of the day.

I made some coffee and logged into my twitter. While I was sleeping, another earthquake hit Haiti this morning near Port-a-Prince. The article mentioned that Haitians in the hospitals began getting on their hands and knees, praying for forgiveness, as the aftershock was felt. I suddenly got a case of nausea. If they were Christian, God fearing people, then okay, I understand that. But if they were praying for forgiveness because Pat Robertson said the earthquakes were happening to them as means of punishment, I want to bust into a live taping of the 700 Club, and personally deliver a punch in the face to Pat Robertson. The earthquakes aren't happening because God wanted the Haitian people to remain slaves forever. It's disgusting that anyone would even fathom that idea.

As I was looking over the different tweets discussing the devastation in Haiti, I stumbled upon Perez Hilton's update: "Gavin Newsom Calls Obama's Inaction On Gay Marriage 'Fundamentally Inexcusable' http://bit.ly/78iDml AGREED!!!" Again, a feeling of vomit collecting in my throat came rushing back to me. In the midst of recession, global warming, and now the earthquakes in Haiti, I'm sorry Perez Hilton, Obama has yet to rush to the aid of putting gay marriage at the top of the nation's agenda. Don't get it twisted though, I'm all about some gay marriage. I was one of the only two people who voted for it when I resided in Oklahoma. I highly doubt Obama is ignoring the issue to be a dick to gay people (no pun intended). Give him some time and once we've addressed the other pressing issues, I'm sure he'll do what he can for gay rights.

Sometimes, the ignorance and selfishness of people abounds me.

For those that have the means, you can donate to help Haiti here. I signed up a few days ago to volunteer with the local Salvation Army for work they are doing to help Haiti. I received a notice in my email yesterday to complete a form for a background check as well as identification proof. I suddenly realized I may have signed myself up to GO to Haiti...Oops. My younger brother and I are type O-, so I'm trying to talk him into going to donate blood with me to aid in the relief efforts. When I asked him this morning, he just stared at me with no response at all.

Today I'm hoping to finish up the contract for the Jager job. Thankfully Jeremy said he would volunteer his super awesome lawyer skills and look over it for me. Yesterday when I talked to him, he said he found a way to finance the office he's opening, so now he was working on his to-do list for everything else he needs to do to get it running. I'm extremely proud and inspired by his, "I can do it", attitude. I wish I could be my own boss.

Other than working on the contract, I'm hoping to establish contact with the ex-inlaw family, in regards to Adam going up to Oklahoma for visitation. Since we live right next to the Amtrak station, I've decided to give it a try if we go. I know Adam would love riding on a train, and I've always been curious as well.

Cherry Blossom Girl

Another awesome day here in the great state of Texas. It was like living to the tune of AIR. The weather outside was amazing, everyone was in a good mood, and I received a job offer to work as a promo girl for a company that represents Jagermeister liquor. I'm working out the details on the job tomorrow before I officially accept the offer.

Patrick was off work too, so that made it all the better. My brothers, Adam, and I [a*k*a "The Whitewolf Pack"] spent our MLK Jr. holiday listening to music, watching music videos and soaking up sun rays on the balcony. I had so much more to post, but I'll play catch up after I get some sleep tonite. I'm completely exhausted.

Oh, before I say goodnite...I made a new friend in Texas.
His name is Drake.

= )

Of sci-fi stories and lazy Sunday.

I was walking out to the balcony of my house to smoke a cigarette when my phone rang at 2:30am. I froze dead in my tracks. "Fuck", I thought to myself, "who's dead this time?" It was Brandi calling to catch up, which was extremely welcomed as opposed to the death notice I thought I was about to receive. "Jimi and Tim just left", she said. My Oklahoma nostalgia kicked in when she said that, and I started to miss Oklahoma even more. I'm glad that she and Jimi made up and I got to see that before I left. I don't have to worry about my friends when I know they're all taking care of each other. But still, I miss my friends most of all today.


After catching up with Brandi on the phone, I realized the sound of my phone ringing had become a trigger for a panic attack. I had to reassure myself that every time my phone rang did not necessarily mean a signal for impending doom. This is a new year, its not 2009 anymore. Its time I start living like that.

I made a fire and watching it burn
Thought of the future
With one foot in the past
Now just how long will it last?
Have you no ambition?

Sunday was amazing here. The sun was out in full bloom and we left the windows and doors open all day. Adam and I spent a lot of time outside on the balcony. His new favorite pastime is throwing things off the side of the balcony and watching them break once they land in the front yard. Thankfully, Elmo's life was spared this Lazy Sunday. However, Patrick's shoe, a potted plant, and three Matchbox race cars were not so lucky. They're still laying outside on the front lawn.

I tried to work on the sci-fi story to send to that publication place, but I still can't think of anything to submit. I wanted to give up on it all together and tell them that sci-fi isn't really my thing. Then I started to think about how it may possibly be a test just to see if I am capable of writing anything. And I believe in myself; I know I can do it. I just need a fresh starting point.

Dear God, I hope I haven't caught writer's block. That's like having AIDS in the literary community.

Fuck.

Don't go wasting your emotion...

Today was officially the first day I started to feel like myself, and less like a displaced Cherokee on, "The Trail of Tears". Waking up was awesome because the sun was shining in through the windows in the bedroom and I swear that I could hear The Beatles whispering, "Good day, sunshine..." in my ear as I did my usual feline-esque stretching to psych myself for waking up. Adam was 10 minutes ahead of me, wreaking havoc in the living room. I woke up just in time to save Elmo from being tossed to his death, down the stairs where my brothers sleep. (Which my little brother, Joey, refers to as, "The Mausoleum").

Joey was bored enough to allow me time to answer job emails, while he took Adam and Elmo outside to play. I replied back to the event/promo company in Dallas. The guy setting up my interview, Evan, said he chose my resume out of all the others because I ended my email with; "I hope you're having a great day!" Kind words really do go a long way.

Talked to Brandi for a bit to catch up on her and Oklahoma. She is addicted to twitter again, as my brother Patrick and I are, and she was telling me how her Twitter update this past Friday made it onto a billboard in OKC. We talked about Twitter for over 15 minutes straight.

What the fuck are we doing with our lives?!?!?!?

Just as I was about to sit down and start writing that sci-fi short story for a publishing job I'm applying for in Dallas, Jeremy text me. Of course I got side-tracked. Sometimes I want to tell him that I can't talk to him because I have shit I need to get done, but I just don't have the heart. And sometimes, I take the hit of falling behind on my to-do list because even though we don't see each other often anymore, he still makes me smile. I'm telling myself that its okay to smile because of something fleeting, or something serious he says or does, because its okay to be happy. Even if its not forever. Once I finally decide to fuck everything up with him, I have this feeling he still won't be going anywhere. With us it was kind of like, "right place, wrong time". Then shitty situation in Wichita. Then it turned into "wrong place, right time", after I moved.

Tomorrow I have to work on getting that story done and sent out by the end of next week. Sci-fi isn't my area of expertise. I mean, have you met me? My real life is scarier than science-fiction! I'm struggling to come up with ideas to submit to this publishing company. Funny, but Jeremy gave me a good idea for a plot...something involving Eric buying drugs from strippers, but instead, the strippers turn out to be aliens... and they abduct Eric.

LIZ: I think sci-fi means something that isn't real.

JEREMY: You're right. That probably is something that actually happened to Eric at some point in time, huh?

What's with today, today?

The rain outside made me feel nostalgic and comfortable at the same time. It was like a reminder that spring isn't too far away. My older brother, Patrick, informed me earlier that it will be 70 F next week. That news was like a life saver to my soul. Winter and autumn used to be my favorite seasons, but in the past two years, I've come to love and appreciate the spring months more than the cold, dreary ones. I'm talking weather, I realize. What an avoidance technique!

Jeremy text me earlier today. At first I wasn't sure who the text was from because I erased his number. I've erased his number from my phone at least three times in the past two weeks. I think it's my way of trying to protect myself against the impending fall-out. If he doesn't contact me, then I won't have his number to try and re-establish contact after he's rejected me. Every time I think we're on the verge of final communication, he calls or texts, and I wait until we engage in lengthy conversation before saving his number again. Why I self sabotage on a daily basis is still beyond my comprehension.

I have to admit, I'm somewhat sad I'm not in Oklahoma right now because Jeremy's decided to open his own law practice. I love watching my friends and family evolve into independent, successful, happy people. I know he will love being his own boss, doing something he's passionate about. I tried to tell him I believed in him earlier tonite while we were talking, hoping it would bridge the gap of emotional clarity between us that's been there since we went to Wichita for NYE. His response: "We'll see."

Maybe I'm not the only one who practices self sabotage?

On a different subject, I finally got a response back from an event job that pays $20-$30/hr. I'm going to work on trying to get the interview set up next week.

But today's Friday. I should honor that by cutting this short tonite, and following up later this weekend.

Be safe everyone <3

This World

Another child is born
Another race is won
Another dream is shattered
Another day has begun
This world is still afloat
No, not in Noah’s boat
We’ve only lost the vision
Of the stars we’re meant to be

I made it home. After 18 of the longest years of my life, my time spent in Oklahoma makes sense. Everything I experienced there, the good and the bad, was a preparation for my next chapter in life. I decided to start a blog site as part of a campaign I've created along my accidental spiritual journey .I believe having a site dedicated to recording my daily life, including both the simple and grandeur events, will help me reach my ultimate goal: To write and publish a literary work that lives on even after I pass.

My Notice of Disclosure

With this blog, I'm hoping to become more honest with myself, with others, and within my writing. I've learned the past few years that everything and everyone is edited. The things I've said and done in my life have always been filtered, and it shows in my writing. Worrying about ridicule is like living in fear, and I've resigned to not live in fear ever again. It hinders growth and after having an insane 2009, I realize there's not enough time to hold back anything. You just never know if today will be your last day, and I don't want to leave this planet with regret of any kind.

My goals with this blog are to deliver the truest and most genuine accounts of my life, from now until January 15, 2011. This gives me a year to catalog my exodus out of Oklahoma and to begin exploring the destiny of my return HOME. I will do my best to open up about myself and my life, in hopes that I can find some solace within my restless soul and become a better writer through this project.

I don't wish to offend anyone with the contents of my blog project, (that's Eminem's shtick, not mine). It should be known though, that in order to begin breaking the walls I've built around myself and my writing, I have to learn how to deliver and communicate raw thoughts and ideas in their natural state, regardless of other people's reactions.

Your part in my blog project

If you're in my life, especially on a daily basis, surely you will be mentioned in this blog at one point or another. Relax though, because this is my project, so your personal life will not become the subject of my writing, nor will I ever use this blog as a means to attack my friends, family, and those I love. If you're still up for tagging along with me on this impromptu spiritual journey, that's awesome!

I hope everyone who reads this will at least be entertained with the accounts from my life. It will be neat to read the January 15, 2011 post, just to see where I am, spiritually, mentally and physically; because with me, there sincerely is no predicting where I'll be in a year. I'm hoping to stay here, since its taken me 18 years to get back, but I know myself all too well.My life is in a state of endless construction zones. Fortunately, for me and YOU, these never ending construction zones lead to interesting detours along the path.

For now, "Salud! Baila!! Baila!!!" I'm just happy to finally be HOME.

This world is full of love
we still have hope♥