I'm okay with that. pt.II

So, I put writing aside this week. I ate and I slept, just as Ryan asked me to do. I even threw in something from my own brain and went on a solo excursion to the Modern Art Museum of Fort Worth. The trip to the museum was the highlight on the week because I was able to find some artistic inspiration from Ed Ruscha's On the Road exhibit that accompanies Jack Kerouac's book, also titled, On the Road.

I understand what Ryan was after last week, when he asked me to do the normal things human beings do, (eat, sleep, etc...). He was trying to get me to relax for a minute, which is something I forget to do often. I'm glad he suggested some time off because it gave me a chance to come up for air, and during my brief break I was reminded of the seamless complexity of life through it's combined simplicities. If that makes sense.

It either does or it doesn't.

______________________________

LIZ: I really enjoyed this week

but I think I'm ready to start back

on the book this weekend.

RYAN: I'm okay with that.
______________________________

I cried myself to sleep last night
I was hypnotized
To improvise
On the attitude, the regret
Of a thousand centuries of Death
Even in my best condition
counting all the superstition

I am riding all alone.

I am writing all alone.

Even with the rest belated

everything is antiquated
Are you writing from the heart?

--Come on Feel the Illinoise/SUFJAN STEVENS

I'm okay with that. pt. I

RYAN: You're exhausted. You need to eat and sleep. I don't know if you should
continue working on the memoir.
LIZ: Asking me to stop writing is like asking me to give up on myself.
RYAN: I already knew you wouldn't stop writing.

A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.

-- Mahatma Gandhi

When Ryan left for work this morning, I stayed in bed for a few minutes and pretended that I had the option to go back to sleep. Nope. Work today. I got out of bed and jogged up the spiral staircase in our house so I could gauge what type of conditions Mother Nature brought us. From the balcony I studied the partly cloudy sky and noted the mild temperature of the air. The spring like weather I woke up to gave me hope that the ice and snow storm from a few weeks ago would be our last one for awhile.

Then again, the forces of nature are always game for unpredictability.

The TRE train from Dallas made it's presence known as it passed by the neighborhood, blowing it's ridiculously loud whistle several times. The sound mixed with the moderate climate reminded me of the days when I first moved to DFW, last spring 2010. I arrived in Texas alone, with a bag full of clothes, a couple of notebooks, a handful of Bic ballpoint pens, and an Acer notebook.

Fast forward to the present, and it's been a year since I left Oklahoma. Adam has settled into school and into our life together. I still handwrite these days, but now I use gel ink pens. I also received a brand new HP laptop from my younger brother, Joey. The gel ink and the new laptop have definitely increased my writing productivity at 110%.

Everything has changed.

There's more to add and subtract from my life story, circa 2011, than the things I mentally listed. The realization made me feel grateful and mournful. Experiencing the two emotions together was like watching them dance with one another in my mind and in my heart while they fought over which one would take the lead. Instead of giving into their conflict, I turned around, walked back into the house and left the two emotions to hash it out. Once inside, I wondered if I would come home from work later and find either of them, gratefulness or mourning, laid out in the front yard, tossed over the balcony, because I left the two feuding unsupervised?

Meh. It's not a long fall to the ground anyway. They'll survive.

But will I ever be strong enough to survive without them?
Would I miss their presence if I ever left them for good?

Do I even want that?

I question myself and the world around me on a daily basis. Sometimes I get answers and other times I'm not so lucky. The outcome is unpredictable, just as the forces of nature are.

I'm okay with that.

If I could
I'd fold myself away like a card table
A concertina or a Murphy bed
I would 

but I wasn't made that way
So instead

I'm open all night
and the customers come to stay
Everybody tips
but not enough to knock me over

I just worked two shifts
and I'm so tired.

-- Oh My God, Whatever, Etc.../RYAN ADAMS

Give or Take

Finally! The stupid Superbowl is over!

I was excited a few months ago when I found out north Texas would be hosting Superbowl XLV. However, working in downtown Fort Worth during the game left me with mixed emotions about the whole ordeal once it was all said and done. Not to mention the winter storm that arrived and camped out in our town last week. Between the on-edge east coast tourists and iced over streets, I applauded the terrible reviews I saw on the 10pm news tonight, regarding the Superbowl festivities.

I guess that makes me a Texas traitor for having nothing super great to say about the Superbowl?
Yeah? Fuck all that.

My bloodline runs deep, unless
I don’t sleep.
Figure it’s my POPS keeping me awake
Help me keep my mind off the clouds for reality
These mothafuckas can’t fathom the wizardry
Slow mo' brain that's backwards cowards
"Take a shower your attitude stinks."
Wanna know what I think?

Outside of the Superbowl, I found out that my 10 minute script wasn't accepted into the Source D.C.'s 10 minute play festival for 2011. This bothers me because I was able to make it into the theatre's semi-finals when the contest was a global endeavor, but I haven't been able to make it anywhere close to that level since they revamped the qualifications and made the contest a nation wide search, only.

I wasn't counting on getting a script into the contest, but regardless, it's been a hard pill to swallow that the theatre overlooked my entry. I chalk it up to, "everything happens for a reason", and I'm trying to keep my eyes forward, toward the ultimate prize; the completion of my personal manifesto/memoir project. Between the Superbowl, family, Ryan, and myself, it's been hard to schedule time to devote to my own art work.

Something's gotta give or I'll be forced to take. One way or another.

This is almost embarrassing to admit, but I miss the shit out of Oklahoma.

You must understand when I speak
This is how I really am
This is how I really think
Yes, I really do drink
I really do rage my demons out the cage
Before I became the age to even rage
I was drowning them sorrows with some OE...
--Mojo So Dope/KID CUDI

You shall receive.

**This update is dedicated to my BFF Brandi Van Alphen and my biggest fan, Ms. Amy Brantley.


Obviously, Old Man Winter was offended that he didn't win the Ass Punch Award for a consecutive year, since he's ruining the vibe here in DFW. Everyone expected Sundance Square to be Super Bowl XLV, party central this week, but since the latest winter storm moved in and shutdown the city, it's been more like a ghost town. I was indifferent about the whole thing, til I started to realize how much the event, or rather the lack of events, affected businesses downtown. From the individual standpoint, the vibe of the city's residents has been affected and everyone is operating on sluggish mode, either grumpy because they have to travel to work in the subzero temperatures or they're getting cabin fever from being stuck indoors.

The weatherman said we have one more day of snow then the storm system is moving out and by Saturday the temperatures will be in the high 50s and low 60s. I hope so, because life in DFW feels frozen in time at the moment.

Despite the shitty conditions, Ryan, Patrick and I are venturing over to The Loft in Dallas in a few hours to check out The Flaming Lips and Neon Indian. If anyone is capable of boosting morale, it's Wayne Coyne from the FLips. When I lived in Oklahoma I followed the FLips to all of their events, kind of the way Deadheads followed the Grateful Dead. I miss those days of living from one FLips event to the next. Unfortunately, time doesn't allow for such debauchery in my life like it used to when I lived in Oklahoma.

When people ask me these days, "How's life in Texas?", I tell them all the same thing. 

I need a break. The city [DFW] is constantly moving, and if you don't move with it, you will end up ran over by bus, train or crazy commuter on the interstate.

Maybe life in DFW being frozen in time at the moment isn't such a bad thing? After all, it's provided everyone, including me, a break from the non-stop hoopla of the metroplex. At least for one more day.

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
-- Do You Realize/ THE FLAMING LIPS