Lemonade or straight whiskey?

Ryan and I are going to see Minus the Bear tonight at House of Blues in Dallas, TX. I'm excited about the show, though the reason we're going is because he bought the tickets a few weeks ago when we were fighting. I remember standing outside on my balcony when he handed me the envelope. I already knew what it was without opening it. "Nice try", I said, and I tossed the envelope aside; "You still have to talk to me."

Sometimes it's frustrating being in a relationship with someone who doesn't speak the same language. I feel like that with Ryan, frequently. I don't believe that we're incapable of communication. We can communicate if he's willing to listen and vice versa. Since the night we hashed out our differences and he gave me the Minus the Bear tickets, we've been working on communicating with each other. Trust that there are still days when I want to scream directly into one of his ears because it seems like he can't hear me. There are also days when I want to erect statues in his honor because he takes the time to talk things out when one of us is unhappy.

Going over it in my head, the central core of our biggest debates stem from growing up in two entirely different worlds. Ryan grew up in a Mormon faith based home where Joseph Smith (and apparently lemonade, as Ryan has confessed to me) ruled. I grew up in a place where no one truly ruled and straight whiskey was my father's drink of choice.

It seems like it wouldn't matter how we grew up since we both claim to be different people today than we were as children back then, but it does matter. The ideals we were conditioned to learn and believe in as children resound in every adult's soul, whether the adult chooses to believe it or not. Don't get me wrong, we discover things as we grow that shape our beings as people, but our upbringing is a key factor in who we are.

I didn't always believe that faith played any sort of role in relationships until a few years ago. A former lover of mine and I were sitting outside on the tailgate of his 1983 Ford pickup truck. We were drinking wine and staring up at the stars in the summer night sky.

"Do you believe in God?" he asked me.
"I don't know. I think it's a possibility", I replied.

The rage that followed from my reply made me wish I never dared to sit outside and stare at the stars in the sky with him.

"How can you believe in God when there is so much science that disproves it?!?!" he screamed at me.
"I don't know? It just seems to me that it's possible and it's not possible", I said.

He stormed off into the house and I sat there on the tailgate of his truck and finished my glass of wine. I stared at the stars alone and realized that our differences of opinions, faith, and beliefs affected more than what went on in our heads, separately. The differences and lack of communication affected us until we were no more.

I don't want that with Ryan. I want something better.

So I don't expect Ryan to learn to speak my language anymore. I don't want to learn his language either. We're making up an entirely new language of our own in order to live in harmony. I think that's part of what love is; starting something new, together.

Lemonade or straight whiskey?
Neither.
Combing the two?

Now we're talking.

Everyone has their obsession
Consuming thoughts, consuming time
They hold high their prized possession
That defines the meaning of their lives

You are mine.

-- You are Mine/MUTE MATH

Everything and everyone happens [and doesn't happen] for a reason. (The "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" Reprise)

"When I was just a little boy standin' to my Daddy's knee, my poppa said, 'Son, don't let the man get you--
Do what he done to me.' "
--Born on the Bayou/CCR


It's been almost a month since my mom moved back to Oklahoma. I've spent this month adjusting to living and settling in with both Adam and Ryan. Admittedly, I will say it hasn't been all rainbows and sunshine. I almost forgot how hard it was to take care of Adam without my mother's help. On the Ryan side, I almost forgot how hard it was to make a true relationship work. But after the past few weeks we've begun to find our niche and started to learn how to live our new lives together, on every level.
(Cue in RAINBOWS and SUNSHINE.)

I'm figuring out how to balance all of the piEces of this new life; my family and art as well. I decided that once November gets here, my second priority will be working on getting my own art career in gear. Until then, I'm exposing my heart, my mind, and my soul to EVERYTHING and becoming inspired by the world around me; gaining inspiration from those close to me and from complete strangers.

October 2010 suggested list of things I should experience

Apocalypse Now - (Patrick and Ryan)
Mayan Exhibit at Kimbell Art Museum - (self-suggestion)
Ansel Adams photography exhibit at Amon Carter Museum - (Patrick)
Road trip to Oklahoma with Adam and Ryan - (self-suggestion)
Minus the Bear show at the House of Blues in Dallas - (Ryan)
[Open suggestions here.]

Wednesday afternoon, on the street, in downtown Fort Worth...
OLD MAN: Are you going to dye your hair purple like that girl's hair?
LIZ: (Smiles at the man) No, I didn't plan to.
OLD MAN: That's good. My hair is brown and gray. Your hair will get gray one day too.
LIZ: (Laughs) I hope it doesn't!
OLD MAN: You just gotta keep waking up. That's the key.You gotta keep waking up. Over and over. Everyday.

I've also decided to enter an art installation piece into an art show in Fort Worth. The show is themed Dia de Los Muertos, and opens on October 30th. It's my first art show, so obviously I'm excited but I'm also nervous. The installation I'm entering is going to feature a 12ft x 8ft recreation of my parents' dining room, as it would look in the morning, if my father were still alive today. It's sounds vague right now, but once I write out the concept and get the blue prints for the design drawn out it will make a little more sense, visually speaking.

RYAN: What do you think the best CCR song is?
LIZ: That's easy. It's, "Born on the Bayou".
RYAN: (Smiles) See, that's why I love you. Because you know that too.

What do tickets and lions got to do with it?

What's "consumption vs. destruction" got to do with it?

It's Friday! It's also the first day of October! What better way would there be to start off a beautiful Autumn day than a fight with Ryan?!

Oh yes, I'm being serious about that. That's how our Friday morning started.

Lately, (when we actually do spend time together), our time has been littered with countless awkward gaps of silence or bouts of fighting. The silence cuts into us gradually. Since it's not evident to Ryan, I imagine he won't notice until it starts adding up and he can see the empty space silence has filled,  separating us.

When we do talk, we're fighting, and our words become switchblades we use to purposefully cut into each others' flesh, recklessly. I can't help but feel we're trying to prove to ourselves that we're still alive through this grotesque form of blood letting. So what if one of us dies?! At least we'll know we were alive before we destroyed our relationship and each other, right?! This metaphorical comparison is just that, metaphorical, but it rings true, literally, more than you'll ever know. Especially if you've ever been brave enough to enter into a committed, romantic relationship with someone.

I have this theory about relationships. Not just romantic ones but relationships in general. 

The Consumption vs. Destruction Theory in Human Relationships

People are driven by two types of needs. One idea is a natural survival need; consumption. The other is a man-made, material need; destruction. The needs we choose to be driven by are based on our psyche, environment, and physical age.

Consumption, by definition, is the act of consuming. Consuming is thought to be a form of destroying, but that isn't the case at all. Consumption is necessary as a means to survive. Animals consume other animals and plants to live. From death, life is sustained. Once the animals consume, their waste fertilizes plant life so that plants can grow again. Upon the death of an animal, scavenger animals consume what's left and clear space on the planet for the next generation of plant and animal life to be born.

The cycle of consumption is a never-ending circle of life; the infinite; life feeds on life...

Destruction is to annihilate, to vanquish; to kill for the sake of killing; to do something simply for the sake of doing it. Examples of this need exhibiting itself in humanity are best seen through wars, manifest destinies, and imperialism. Humans destroy other humans and plants to gain power. Power is not a survival need. Power is an idea used to mask a fear of being unable to compete and survive in the circle of life through consumption. Destruction, fueled by power, warrants wiping out entire ethnic groups of people, (ie, Native Americans during the age of colonialism and Jewish people during the Holocaust). It is also seen through killing plant life by the masses, (ie, deforestation in South America due to commercial logging and global warming caused by the overuse of burning fossil fuels and deforestation).

When the natural circle of life is disrupted by destruction, everything dies and nothing survives.

Individually, humans approach each other and form one-on-one relationships that are driven by consumption and/or destruction. Again, they way we choose to approach this smaller scale interaction is based on psyche, environment, and physical age.

When a human relationship is formed with the need to consume, the relationship maintains a healthy, organic balance of naturally giving and taking; such as talking and listening, loving and being loved, making allowances and being allowed (AKA patience); all of these actions done to help each other survive.

A relationship that starts or becomes driven by the need to destroy, results in person-to-person battles from trying to force a relationship. The forcing comes from a fear of loss; an idea that says, It's better to have something than nothing. I consider that idea similar to another idea I'm not too keen on,; Doing something simply for the sake of doing it. It's random, pointless, and lacks meaning. When daily fighting starts and equally maintaining the balance in a relationship becomes obsolete, the relationship is eventually destroyed. And for the extremely unfortunate, lovers quarrels have been known to kill and end lives, literally and metaphoriclly speaking, because for some humans, the need for destruction and power goes beyond solely dictating a relationship. 

As of this Friday, first day of October, regarding the consumption vs destruction theory and my relationship with Ryan; I survived another battle. I'm growing tired of fighting because it's unnecessary.

"Love shouldn't be hard." --Anonymous

Meanwhile, we're using the only ten minutes we have in the morning to see each other, tearing each other down, avidly; doing something simply for the sake of doing it.

I can't swallow the idea of spending the rest of my Friday, first day of October, like that.

I can't swallow the idea of spending the rest of the days that follow, like that either.


A warm bed,
well that's something.
But that alone,
just ain't enough.
-- Roll On / DNTEL ft. JENNY LEWIS